


Never what you're looking for

by ladeusa



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-07-04 16:53:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 59,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15845430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladeusa/pseuds/ladeusa
Summary: Ashlyn was cheated.Ali was hurt.





	1. What's better for you back

**Author's Note:**

> Be nice.

Ashlyn was sitting in the fire escape ladder outside her soon to be ex-condo. The night was chilly, autumn had just started. Trees were beginning to turn yellow. Everything was calm. 

She couldn’t stop thinking about the turn things took, in a few days she’d be moving out of that apartment, out of that relationship, of that life, the only one she had known for the last few years. Ever since she graduated college, she lived there with her now ex-girlfriend in the condo they bought together.  
And now she had to go. After years filled with love and support, fights became more and more frequent, like routine. Stupid things that would be forgiven in the past, like a wet towel left on the bed or socks left on the living room, became an excuse for 3 hours long arguments that usually resulted in Ashlyn sleeping in the couch. 

And now, the couch wasn’t an option anymore. She had to go for good. 

In truth, even though she paid for one-fifth of the apartment, most of the money came from Steph’s parents, who were so proud of their Harvard-law graduate daughter they pretended to forget she was going to use that money to live with another woman. And that’s why that woman was the one that had to go apartment hunting with the only friend she made in New York after 5 years living there. 

Impressively enough, she didn’t have a hard time trying to find a new place to live. After just two weeks, she became the proud owner of a condo in Upper Manhattan, spending every single cent she had ever saved. She always imagined it would go their kid’s college fund, but that was before everything went downhill. 

She was moving out tomorrow morning, these were the last few hours she would ever spend in that ladder that had become so known to her in the last months, during the nights she just couldn’t shut her mind down. Sitting on this ladder, she decided that the situation wasn’t sustainable anymore, nor healthy. She always thought love was always worthy of a fight. And that’s why the fought for so long, she persisted and tried so hard to make things right.  
The thing about love is that it always takes two. She thought their love was worth a fight, Steph decided that finding love somewhere else was a better idea. 

And she did find, over and over again. Ashlyn only found out when their 6 years relationship was already replaced by a new one in Steph’s heart. So Ash paid a visit to the ladder, and as she sat there, all the memories they shared together replayed in her mind, eventually resulting in all the yelling and offenses and tears and heartbreak. So she decided to leave and let Steph move on without the guilt. 

The very next day she and her friend Whit were sitting in a Starbucks with their MacBooks open, going through the pros and the cons of every place Zillow had to offer. They ended up settling in a condo in Midtown Manhattan, close to The City College of New York where Ash was teaching a class, and not too far from her office. 

This night was the first one she didn’t spend thinking of where she was going to live. Obviously, that was her first concern when they officially broke up, and she used it as an excuse not to think about her broken heart. But now that this topic was settled, she couldn’t help but let the sadness take over. 

Years ago, she had realized that she wasn’t in love with Steph. She loved her, that’s for sure but wasn’t in love with her. During that time, that realization made her a little anxious, as she always thought they would end up together, and the thought of marrying someone you aren’t in love with just didn’t feel right. 

So when they broke up, there was some kind of relief. But still, she had spent years investing in this relationship, this project of a life together, and had failed. She wasn’t enough anymore, Steph had found someone better. 

Ashlyn took a deep breath and went back inside, to lay on the familiar couch one last time. She only hoped this new start would bring her good things. What she knew for sure was that her back could use some “sleeping in a bed". 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

The next morning, on the other side of town, Ali Krieger was getting ready to leave for work. Her morning have been nothing short of chaotic. She had lost the first alarm and woke up almost 30 minutes late. Because of the time, she got ready quickly and went straight to the kitchen to prepare some coffee while calling an uber. Somewhere between the lines, she spilled the whole mug on her suit and had to get changed. Her uber canceled on her because of her delay and now she was trying to get another one.  
That’s not how things usually work for Ali. She was, more often than not, on time. She was the type of person that chose her clothes the night before, had her suitcase ready by the door and would check her alarm at least 3 times before going to bed. But today she was late.  
What happened was: last night, her brother face-timed her to talk about the upcoming family reunion event. He wanted to let her know that their father would not be going, so he wanted to check with her if she would go. Any conversation that involved her father was rather disturbing for her.  
After their talk, she lay in bed for hours, trying to decide whether she was going or not.  
Her relationship with her father was great until she came out during her college years. Ali was the perfect daughter: she was a straight-A student, was always doing what her parents expected of her. Her room was tide, her bathroom was always clean, she would be home precisely at the time she told you she'd be, and whenever she was out with friends, she was doing exactly what she told them she'd be doing: nothing illegal.  
That was Ali Krieger, the perfect everything. Her brother Kyle was having troubles at the time she got accepted to Yale Law School with a scholarship (as she was expected to). So when he came out, everybody was already too disappointed with him to care. His sexuality didn't even play a big role in the great scheme of things.  
So all their parent's expectations were directed towards Ali. If Kyle was falling, at least Ali was thriving. And she just didn't feel like disappointing them, but she couldn't control everything.  
The first disappointment was when she chose to become a criminal defense lawyer. Her father was so mad she'd be defending criminals. It didn't matter how many times she told him she would never defend someone she didn't believe was innocent, he would still affirm that she was wasting her intelligence. No conversations after that were easy, so she avoided them.  
But nothing compares to when she came out.  
Ali already knew she was gay since her freshman year at Yale. She had one "boyfriend" in high school, she was the perfect girl, he was the captain of the basketball team. The most obvious match. He was nice, a gentleman during their firsts dates. But she wouldn't let him kiss her, she didn't feel remotely attracted to him.  
One night they went out to catch a movie. He again tried to kiss her when they went back to his car, but she refused. He then asked her if she would be at least up for giving him a blowjob as if that was less intimate than a kiss. She walked her way back home. The other day, he told his friends he wasn't interested in her anymore because she had small tits. She was 17 at the time and realized she couldn't care less about what any boy thought about her boobs size.  
Ali went to Yale haven't kissed anyone. Her first year of college was a year of discovery. She went to every party she was invited and kissed at least 1/10 of the guys that asked her, considering that most guys tried to kiss her, 1/10 was a decent number.  
If you asked her if she liked them, she would tell you that it was decently enjoyable. She didn't particularly like any of those kisses, but she also didn't have anything to compare to.  
That was until Helena came into her life.  
Helena was an exchange student from Spain that convinced Ali, with her irresistible Spanish accent, to give her a shot during a cold night at a house party. Ali, who wasn't exactly drunk but enough "happy" to let a desire for girls come to surface, wasn't even hard to convince. That was the first kiss Ali got lost in.  
They saw each other every day after that. Their make-out sessions never turned anymore intimate than that, but Ali fell for her hard. When Helena's semester abroad was over and she had to go back to Europe, Ali made her promise they would try to talk every day. Helena, older and wiser and more experienced, made the promise, but as soon as she got into the airplane, Ali knew Helena wouldn't really try. They never talked again.  
While Ali was beginning to think about her sexuality in a more fluid sense, she went back to kissing some boys here and there, but it soon became clear that girls were more her thing. After a few dates here and there when she was 20, and a disastrous decision with one specific boy, she decided to never go down that path again. By this time, Kyle was working on getting sober and Ali felt like she could be more open with her parents again. But her father was so disappointed with this news, they never spoke again if not extremely necessary.  
She had a few other relationships with some women throughout the years, but nothing too serious. One girlfriend broke up with her because she wanted an open relationship and Ali was just not interested in that. Another because Ali didn't want to move to LA. The last one didn't work out because the woman didn't want kids, and Ali still nurses the dream of building a family in the future.  
So that's how Ali got to the place she is now: 29 years old, single, living in an apartment in upper Manhattan, extremely dedicated to her job, and currently late.  
Ali's dedication to work usually resulted in her leaving the office hours later than when she was supposed to, but her best friend from college, Megan Rapinoe, was hosting a party in a few days and Ali had offered help with planning, they were meeting at the Starbucks close to her work later, so she had to get her job done on time today.  
This morning's obstacles led her to be 30 minutes late to her first meeting of the day, and that only turned into a snowball that made her 2 hours late to her last meeting. She left the office at 18:45 pm, while she was supposed to meet Megan at 18 o'clock.  
She rushed into Starbucks and spotted Megan right away  
"Man, I thought you weren't coming anymore!" - Megan said as she stood up to hug her friend.  
"I'm so so sorry! my morning was a disaster and I got caught at work because of that, but I'm here now and 100% focused on your party!"  
"I'm happy to hear that because I have absolutely nothing done yet" - said Megan taking a sip of her iced coffee.  
Ali giggled "Well I'm sure you have at least your guest list planned"  
"Calling it 'guest list' makes it seems way more formal than it actually is but sure, I know who I'm inviting" Pinoe admitted.  
"See? That's a start. We can arrange the rest based on how many people you're inviting, like how much food and alcohol we have to buy" - Ali said as she took her little notebook from her bag, ready to start writing down all there was left to do, which was basically everything.  
"I have this one friend, Ash, have I told you about her?"  
"Hm, no, I don't think you have"  
"Well she's not actually my friend, she's friends with Whit and also teaches at the university. Anyway, she's a psychologist from Florida, she went to Harvard, met this girl there, and they moved to New York a few years ago. They seemed to be this super stable couple that was for sure going to, I don't know, buy a freaking house together in a couple of years, white fence and all, but turns out the girlfriend was cheating her for a few years now! almost 2 I think, and they had been together for 6. Can you believe that?"

"Wow! I mean, for starters I'm impressed with the whole psychologist that went to Harvard but-"  
"Yeah yeah yeah, she can be your Ivy League sister!" - Pinoe said joking.  
"Shut up, Pinoe! Anyway, but I feel so bad for her! Is she coming to the party?"  
"Ohh I just remembered why I started telling her story in the first place! So, she has the most useful hobby ever: she knows how to make cocktails. I met her and Whit for lunch the other day, that's when I invited her by the way because, as I said, we are not that close. But Als, I'm telling you, the girl looked miserable. We had met a few times before and even shared a meal here and there, so next thing I know I'm inviting her and making plans. She seemed so grateful! She offered to make cocktails and even said she'd take her own booze, so that's already arranged."

"Oh! Great, maybe we should buy a few beers and some other things, just so we don't depend 100% on her, but I guess we can already cross that from the list"

"Yeah, thank god for Ashlyn haha" 

They resumed making plans and almost an hour later, everything was set. Megan thanked Ali a few times before they parted ways, praising her organization skills every time. Ali could only laugh.  
She went home and went on with her normal routine: cooked a quick dinner, watched some TV to catch on the news, had a nice bath, chose her clothes for the next day of work, set her bag with all the documents and files she would need, brushed her teeth and lay in bed.  
After a few minutes of trying to find a comfortable position and falling, she rolled over to fetch her phone that was charging on the nightstand. She scrolled down Instagram a few minutes when she had an idea. She opened the facebook app and searched for Ashlyn. There was only one Ashlyn how had Megan as a mutual friend and had studied at Harvard, so it could only be her.  
She thought twice before touching her name. Most of her profile was public, so Ali scrolled down a few text posts about politics, a cute cat video, some pictures of landscapes, no pictures of another woman, she probably had deleted it by now, Ali assumed.  
She swept the profile pictures: On the first one, the stunning women was rocking a short light-brown hair, perfectly coiffed forming a high wave. On the next one, she was standing by the beach, wearing swimming trunks, a tank top, and a dad-hat smiling to the camera, showing a single dimple on her cheek. On the third, she had a long bleched-blond hair falling on her shoulders and was wearing an all-black look, smirking to the camera. That had to be one of the sexiest pictures Ali had seen of a "regular" person.  
She locked her phone and threw it on the nightstand again. Before falling to sleep, Ali thought: "Who would cheat on a girl like this?"


	2. Who owns this place?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language BTW. I'm doing this to improve my writing skills. I won't be editing any chapters, so no need to point out mistakes or anything. I wanna compare the chapters when I'm finished and see how much I improved.  
> Again, be kind :)  
> I have some chapters already written so I plan on updating a few times a week.

t wasn't even 12 am and Ashlyn had already three coffees from three different Starbucks. Her office was close to her new apartment, and that's where she met with her patients. Ashlyn was currently treating 10 patients, 3 of which were pro bono. She used to have more, but after deciding to accept the offer from the university to teach a class there and deciding to reinvest in her academic career by taking a research grant at Columbia University, she simply didn't have the time anymore.   
For starters, the commute felt eternal. In theory, it's just 30 minutes from one university to the other but that's just in theory. She ended up arranging her patients and classes in a way that she didn't have to go to both universities during the same day.   
But today was different. Her research group had a problem with one specific data they had collected last week, and she had to go to Columbia after her class in the evening. That was after spending the entire morning in the office.   
That's why Ashlyn was spent. And to make matters worse, she had a party tonight. A party she not only promised she'd go but would also be responsible for making drinks.   
She was honestly so surprised when Megan invited her to the party, she doesn't know anyone who's going besides Whitney. But she figured it would be a good opportunity to meet new people, especially because throughout all the years she has been living in NY, she only made friends with the people from work, and all she wanted was to get her head out of psychology and Steph for a while.   
The party was scheduled to start around 7:30 pm. That meant that Ash had to get home around 6 to grab a shower, change her clothes and get the stuff she promised she would take.   
She left Columbia and took the bus to her new apartment. This didn't feel natural yet: the bus, the view, the people. She always rode the bus with the same commuters but still didn't feel right. For 5 years she took the subway with 100 different people every day, seen a familiar face was rare. This new life didn't feel wrong, just not right.   
Around 30 minutes later, she arrived at the apartment, it was 6:23 pm. She chose her outfit and got into the shower.   
The shower didn't feel right yet.   
They had a bath at her old - now Steph's - apartment. She wasn't crazy for baths, that's why she didn't look for them while searching new places to live. But still, she wasn't used to showers anymore.   
She opted for cleaning her hair, seeing as she wanted to style it again. She got dressed and went searching for the things she would need at the party. The thing is: some of her things were still in boxes, and she had no idea how to search for them, as the labeling wasn't really specific - a mistake she only acknowledged now. It could be in the "kitchen" box or in the "random" box, or even in the "living room" box.   
After 15 minutes of searching, she finally found it - in the "random" box after all. She called an uber immediately after putting her stuff in a bag.   
Pinoe's condo was only 20 minutes from her apartment, she only got there a bit late, some would say she was just fashionably late. She pressed the interphone, and Pinoe's voice came through it:   
"who is it?"  
"Hey! It's Ash!"   
"Oh, I'm gonna buzz you Ash, we're on the third floor, the only door that's open" 

The steel-door made a buzzing sound, and Ash pushed it open. She climbed the three sets of stairs. The door didn't even have to be open for her to guess where the party was, she could follow the music and loud conversations.   
She stood by the threshold, not knowing how to announce herself, or if she had to in the first place. Just by taking a quick look around the full living room, Ashlyn got anxious. She couldn't spot Whitney right away, or any familiar face at all. 

"Glad to see you didn't get lost on the stairs!" - a familiar voice shouts from her right. She saw Pinoe approaching her with a big smile on her face. 

"Well, if I did, I'd just follow the music, right? Sorry, I'm late, had a hard time finding my stuff" Ash replied raising the bag she was caring as to prove her story. 

"Nah, it's fine. Do you want me to introduce you to everyone?" 

"Hm I think I'll just introduce me as the party goes"

"Ok, suit yourself, let me take you to the bar so you can do your thing" 

Ashlyn followed Pinoe through the room until they got to a small bar by the corner. She settled her things while Pinoe talked to a few people that were standing around them, telling how Ash had this amazing talent and was going to make them the best drinks they ever had, acting like knew what she was talking about, making Ash giggle.   
Just as the prepared the first drink for a girl called Samantha, who Ash could swear was trying to flirt with her, a small crowd gathered around her. Before she knew it, she made small talk with at least half the people at the party, making drinks for a Kelley, two Alexandra's, a guy called Jose, a Toni, a David, a Tobin, and two Samanthas.   
She was handing a Brazilian drink she learned how to make during her and Steph's last trip to Brazil to a girl called Taylor when Whitney set on the barstool on her left.   
"So, I see you've been busy"   
"I didn't even see you! Yeah, they're keeping me busy here"   
"I told you your drinks would be a success"  
"Ha! They only like it because I'm pouring more alcohol than usual."  
Whitney chuckle: "Nah Ash, you know you're good"  
"I'm just glad I'm not disappointing Pinoe, I think she had high expectations"  
"Well, considering how close she was while talking to me and especially how loud she was shouting, I think you did a good job"

Ash laughed throwing her head back a bit and scanned the room, finding Pinoe leaning on a brunette, looking like she should only have water from now on. Ash would probably answer Whitney with a joke, but she was too mesmerized by the brunette to even think about.   
She was what Ash could only describe as stunning. Her dark hair, her dark eyes, her tanned skin. Everything. Ashlyn just couldn't take her eyes off her. She didn't even remember the last time she found someone so unbelievably beautiful.   
She was so hypnotized that it took her a least a few seconds to noticed the girl was looking back at her, a little smirk on her lips. Ashlyn couldn't help but smirk back. The girl then went back to her conversation with Pinoe, and just then Ashlyn realized Whitney was still talking to her.   
"Sorry, did you say something?" - she asked her.  
"Lots of things, but you were either drooling over Pinoe or that other girl, and I'm choosing to believe it is the later"  
Ashlyn turned red and chuckled nervously. "Do you know her?"  
"No Ash, hence the use of "other girl" and not a name"  
"Oh yeah"  
"Jesus, I forgot how dumb you get when you have a crush"  
"Ouch, first: no need to get so harsh, I simply didn't pay attention. Second, I've literally first laid eyes on her for the first time like, 30 seconds ago, that's the definition of 'too soon'"  
"I don't think there's a rule for this things but I'm pretty sure that if you've spent 70% of the time you've known the person drooling over them, it's called a crush"   
Ashlyn smiled at her friend. "Well, you have to agree with me, she's stunning"   
"Whatever, not my type. I don't judge before getting to know the person, but if I had to guess, I'd say she's missing the extra appendix for me."   
"HA! I think that's my clue to go catch a break from this bar, too many drunks making inappropriate jokes, you know?"  
"Byee Ashlyn, go talk to your crush"

Ashlyn laughed and left the bar. She went to the restroom to freshen up a bit and went back to the party, opting to sit by an open window to catch a bit breeze. While sitting there, she watched the people interacting around her. Since her childhood, she always enjoyed trying to imagine what the people around her were like, what were they going through, what they were talking about.   
She has always been a people's person. She was interested in the complexity of human beings, their facial expressions while telling stories about something they loved, or something they hated. When she chose to attend psychology school, she wasn't thinking about analyzing people or understanding more about them, she was looking for a job that included dealing with and helping people every day. It didn't take long for her to realize that she had made the right choice.   
She was so deeply invested in an interaction between an early-20s looking girl and a mid-30s looking guy that she didn't even notice someone sitting on the stool beside her.   
"You know, you don't dress like a psychologist"   
She was surprised to see who the voice belonged to. She girl from before was looking at her with a warm smile.   
"Oh, and why is that?"  
"Well, no psychologists I ever met wore Doc Martens"  
"I'll have you know that Freud a huge enthusiast of combat boots just like this. The only difference was the concept of fashion… and probably the price"  
"Well, the more you know, right? I bet he was visualizing the psychology students of the future buying overpriced boots on their first day of college when he wrote 'The Uneasiness in Civilization' because he probably predicted the inflation"  
Ashlyn laughed "It's mandatory uniform in college. And I think it was during his work on 'Hysterical Phantasies and their Relation to Bisexuality'"  
The girl smiled widely at her "Well thinking about it, most bisexuals I know do have a Doc Martens"  
Ashlyn smiled back at her "I'm Ashlyn, and I don't even like Freud" she said offering her hand for a shake.   
The girl shook her hand and said "I know who you are. I'm Ali and I only read "The uneasiness in civilization" for a philosophy class in college, but I can tell he was a pretentious asshole."  
"That he was and I really wanna make a stupid and humorless joke about his obsession with ass but I'm also interested in this knowledge you have about me"   
"Tell me the joke and if I like it I'll tell you everything I know about you and how I know it"   
"Oh C'mon! i already told you it's a stupid joke" Ashlyn fake-protested, to which Ali just shrugged her shoulders.   
"Well, it seems like he never left the anal stage, " Ashlyn said with a half-hopeful half-ashamed smile, and Ali smiled too. She couldn't help but notice how much smiling they were doing.   
"You know, it's not great but it's definitely smart, so I like it. Pinoe told me a bit about you"  
"She randomly told you things about a random person?" Ash asked with a bit of sass.   
"I may have asked for a bit of info on the cute girl with bartender skills" Ali winked, and Ashlyn blushed. She wasn't used to this kind of interactions anymore, it's been a while since someone called her cute. Ali noticed her uneasiness.   
"Just kidding! I was helping her plan the party and she told me a friend of hers was helping with the drinks. And she mentioned a few things about you, but not much, nothing shameful"   
"Oh, that's fine. She seemed really excited about my bartender skills, right? I was so scared I'd disappoint her, it's not like I'm a pro anything"   
"she was! tell you what, why don't you make me a drink and I'll grade your abilities?"   
"Sounds good to me"   
They moved back to the bar. And Ashlyn asked what kind of drinks Ali liked, she only got a "surprise me" in reply.   
Ash considered herself good at reading people, but Ali was different. Maybe her obvious crush was clouding her senses, but Ali was a mixture of sweet and wild. She seemed sweet, her scent was sweet, but she was shamelessly flirting with Ashlyn. She was wearing a dress that was the definition of not-sweet without being inappropriate to a house party, and she seemed to have a sharp intelligence and a fun sense of humor.   
Ashlyn decided to make her a strawberry caipirinha with vodka. Caipirinhas were a mix of fruits with alcohol that was typically Brazilian, another drink Ash had learned in Brazil. This was a dangerous choice, she had no idea if Ali would like but she was one to "play safe".   
"I really hope you like it..." she said while handing Ali the cup.   
She watched as Ali took a sip from the straw, mentally crossing her fingers. That was a girl she didn't want to let down.   
"Hm, this tastes interesting… and tropical. I love it! What is it?"   
Ash could feel the weight being dropped from her shoulders. She felt like a 5-years-old trying to impress a pretty girl.   
"It's called caipirinha, it's a Brazilian drink"  
"It's really good. Surprisingly sweet considering it's made with strawberries. I was expecting something more acid I guess. Have you been to Brazil?"   
"Yeah, I spend a vacation there with my ex-girlfriend"   
"I see, I always wanted to visit Brazil" Ali said, trying to avoid the cheating ex-girlfriend topic.   
"I definitely wanna go back there. The country is huge and I only visited Rio. Steph, that's my ex-girlfriend, she loves the beach and had no interest in other cities so we only stayed there, but I wanted to visit some other places. Call me crazy but I wanted to visit the Amazon and maybe their mega-city… I don't recall the name now but I swear I knew it before"  
"You know, if you play your cards right maybe we can go there together someday" Ali smiled. The thing was, even though the phrasing suggested something more, her tone was sweet and innocent. Ash was about to answer when Pinoe interrupted them,   
"Als! I see you met Ash! This is the girl I was talking about, she went to Harvard so she's totally your type" She tried to whisper the last part but failed miserably. Ali could only laugh over her friend's antics and Ashlyn was blushing deeply.   
"You know Pinoe, I was checking your theory right before you arrived with your drunk ass"   
"Ohh sorry Als. YO ASH, are you enjoying the party?" She asked, snapping her head towards Ashlyn.   
"No man, it sucks. I mean, look at all this!" she said gesturing to the living room. "Who owns this place?! It can only be someone with a terrible sense of interior design"   
Ali laughs but it took a solid 5 seconds for Pinoe to sense the joking tone. She laughs a bit and said "You see what I meant Als? Totally your type."  
"That might be right, Pin"   
Pinoe winked towards Ash and went back to the rest of the party, Ali watching her for a few seconds. She then looked back to Ashlyn, who was full-on staring at her.   
"So Ash, where were we again?"  
"I believe I was going to ask for your phone number."  
"Is that so?" Ali asked a bit surprised. She knew the girl had just ended a long-term relationship, and in a very traumatic way, but she couldn't help flirting with her.   
"Yeah. I'm gonna be honest Ali, I've been through some not-really-pleasant events lately and it made me rethink some things in my life. Right now, I really wanna meet new people and make new friends. From our small talk so far, I wanna get to know I bit more, at least as much as you seem to know me..." She paused and smiled, nodding her head to where Pinoe was sitting, apparently telling some jokes based on how much the crowd around her was . "it may seem a bit to forward" she continued "but I'm not in a position where I can not take some chances, and I'm gonna stop rest my case here before I say something embarrassing or share too much"  
"I was going to give you my number anyway but thanks for sharing a bit of your mind" Ali said while offering her hand, prompting Ash to give her her phone. She typed her number and contact name and texted herself. "Now we tell Pinoe we exchanged numbers"   
Ashlyn took her phone back and put it in her pocket.   
"Well Ashlyn, seen how much alcohol you poured in that drink you made me, I'll have to uber my way back to my house now," Ali said while ordering a car.   
"I'm not sorry you know, you better get used to it if we're going to Brazil"  
"You'll have to make me some of these again then," Ali said while standing from the stool.   
"My ride is here. It was nice meeting you, Ashlyn..."  
"Harris"  
"It was nice meeting you, Ashlyn Harris. Text me whenever you want" Ali got closer and left a kiss on Ashlyn's cheek. She turned and walked towards the door, waving Pinoe goodbye. Ashlyn followed her all the way with her eyes. 

"I see you listened to my advice," Whitney said approaching her  
"What?" Ash said snaping from her trance.   
"I told you to go talk to her, and you did!"  
"More like she came to me"  
"Well, and how did it go?" Whitney asked, honestly interested.  
"I think it went well, Whit. I think it went really well"


	3. Coincidence… or Freudian Slip?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's taken me a while to post this one because I honestly don't like it.   
> I had an idea for all chapters except for this one. I took last week to work on this and try to improve it, but it didn't get much better. Anyway, I chose to accept this as it is and move on lol.   
> I'm much more proud of the next chapter, so bear with me!   
> I'll update on Wednesday! 
> 
> Again, be kind <3

It's been three days since Pinoe's party and Ashlyn haven't texted her yet.   
After the effects of alcohol and adrenaline left her body, Ali was a little bit embarrassed over her forwardness, the girl has just ended a relationship after all and they shared one conversation, at a party. She did ask Ali's number tho.   
Since her college years, Ali's propensity to date had decreased significantly. Meaning that she didn't just randomly give her phone number to strangers at parties anymore. Not that she ever did, she'd normally just kiss some people here and there and then leave. But now, giving her phone number seemed way more inadequate than it did back then.   
The thing is: Pinoe was right, she had a thing for smart girls. She expected any psychologist to be able to make Freud-themed jokes. But there was something about Ashlyn, something about the way she was looking around the people at the party. She just seemed to emanate a good aura, the way she carried herself gave a sense of intelligence that was just so irresistible to Ali. And that was why her silence was driving Ali crazy.  
Lucky for her, today she had her weekly coffee date with Pinoe after work. The unlucky part was that it was still only 8:30 am and she was on her way to work.   
She got to her office 15 minutes before she had to, as usual. She was currently working on a case that was the type of case that got her into this career in the first place: a 16 years old girl teenager got pregnant and didn't want to tell her parents. She did her research on pregnancy pills and vitamins, falsified a prescription and mugged a drugstore. Despite her efforts, her face was caught on camera. While some would say she had a predisposition to being a true criminal in the future, all Ali could see was desperate and scare 16 years old.   
Truth to be told, Ali always felt entertained with work. She felt just like she was reading a police novel, every page could have an unexpected twist of plot. Also, she wanted to help her clients. She never took a case if she didn't trust 100% in her client's innocence.   
By lunchtime, Ali had finished all her paperwork and was feeling pretty positive about her winning odds. 

_________________________________________________________________________

"Ok, so your friend Ashlyn is interesting," Ali said as she approached the table Pinoe was sitting, she was looking at her phone while sipping her iced coffee.   
"Look who's late! As expected! Oh my god!" - Pinoe said.  
"Ok first of: I'm rarely late"   
"Yeah, but considering our few last dates..."  
"Oh shut up"  
"yeah yeah, so what were you saying about my friend Ash who I must refresh your mind isn't exactly my friend?"  
"She's interesting," Ali said while taking her phone from her purse.   
"She definitely is but I'm waiting for an explanation you know… kind of like how normal conversations go"   
"She asked for my number," Ali said like it wasn't a big deal at all.   
"Oh, so not what I expected but certainly a good thing, right?"  
"She hasn't texted me yet."   
"Oh," Pinoe said  
"Weird right? I mean, I was totally hitting on her, way more straightforward than what I usually am but I guess she was fine with seeing she did ask for my number but three days later and here we are!" Ali said moving her arms as if trying to demonstrate where they were.   
"Girl calm down! if it makes you feel better I know for sure she's super busy with her research and work and stuff, she was complaining the other day in our department's room, and honestly, she's not one for talking much so… I bet she's overloaded"   
"Urgh, I'm frustrated" - Ali said, covering her face with both her hands.  
"I've never seen you like this, this feels like an anthropological study that I should be documenting to show our friends later"  
"Well, she's truly interesting, I'm interested in find out more about her"  
"In other words, you have a crush! For the first time since I met you! I'm totally taking notes on your behavior, for science obviously" - Pinoe said while pretending to take her notebook from her backpack, making Ali give her an eye roll.   
"Asshole" 

_________________________________________________________________________

After her coffee date, Ali decided to stop at a bookshop on her way home. One of her work colleague's birthday was coming up and she had seen a book the woman was going to love for sure.   
She was browsing the store, already had picked up the book and was looking for something for herself when she spotted the one and only Ashlyn Harris, reading the back cover of a thick book.   
"Fancy meeting you here, Harris"  
Ash look up a bit abruptly.  
"Oh, hi Ali!" she said smiling.   
"Sorry, i didn't mean to scare you."  
"You didn't! I was just reading.. hm, well I was just reading this" Ashlyn said pointing to the book's title 'How to sleep alone in a king-sized bed", a little bit embaresed.   
"Ha, I bet that's on a least one 'ten books you should read after getting a divorce' list" Ali said trying to make Ash laugh, and it worked.   
"Acctually, my aunt texted me a '22 books everyone should read during divorce', eventhough I was never married. That's how I found this one, but It's not my kind of book" Ashlyn said tossing the book back to a pile made of other copies.   
"May I ask what's your kind of book?" Ali said leaning on one of the shelves.   
"Police novels" Ashlyn answered without wasting a second.   
"Oh really? I'd never peg you as a detective girl."   
"You also said I don't look like a psychologist so… But really, during college, I took a few classes related to criminal psychiatry and I don't know, I don't have the stomach to work with It but I enjoy investigating serial killers.. in fiction. I'm that kind of reader that tries to figure out the murder before the detective" There was something in the way Ashlyn spoke that made Ali feel weak on the knees.   
"I'm totally that girl too! I was actually looking for a new book, do you have any suggestions?" Ali said a little too excited.   
"Hm not that I can think of, but maybe we can browse together? see if there's something we both like?"   
"Yeah, let's go"  
They walked together around the store for a while, stopping every time one of them liked a cover or wanted to share an opinion on a book they'd read. After awhile, they fell into an awkward silence, both wanting to find a topic to discuss but not knowing how. Ali, being more anxyous than Ashlyn, tried to break the tension  
"So, I came here looking for a gift but what were you doing?"   
Ashlyn tried to joke "It's a bookstore, I was looking for a book haha" but Ali only felt stupid. Sensing her discomfort, Ash didn't waste time on completing. "I'm just joking Al if you want the truth, I left work too early today. I just moved in to a new place and it still feels too lonely and didn't want to go back there yet. I'm not hungry so that rules out restaurants, I don't really like shopping for clothes, so I couldn't go to any of these stores. The only place I could think of was the bookstore, and I just finished the last book I was reading so... " Ashlyn told her, feeling strangely at ease of sharing so much with a basically stranger.   
Ali didn't know what to say. She knew Ashlyn had just ended her past relationship but that hasn't been a topic of discussion between them yet. Still, she wanted to comfort the girl, she couldn't imagine how lonely she felt, and hearing her use the shortening 'Al' made her feel fuzzy inside.  
"I'm sorry, Ash. Pinoe told me about your break up"  
"It's fine, I'm fine! Just not used to being alone most of the time" Ashlyn said genuinely.   
"Can I tell you a joke to make you feel better?" Ali said giggling. To be honest, she had a searched a long list of jokes after the party, thinking she could eventually use them with Ash, but she never texted her.   
"I'm fine but please tell!"  
"Ok so how many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Ashlyn was already smiling as she could hear Ali's excitement in her voice.  
"I don't know, how many?"  
"Just one, as long as the light bulb wants to change"   
Ashlyn laughed softly, having heard this one before, but she didn't want to disappoint Ali, ever.   
"I have another one, why did Winnocott leave his wife?"  
"I don't know, why?"  
"Because she wasn't good enough." This one made Ashlyn laugh louder.   
"That's a good one thou, where did you learn this?"  
"I just came up with it, honestly," Ali said shrugging her shoulders.   
"So your hobby is to make 'dad jokes: psychology edition'? You read a lot about psychology theories?"  
"No! I read that Freund book I've mentioned and a bit of Winnicott, unfortunately, used all my knowledge to try to impress you but it didn't come out my way."  
"You impressed me! I mean, some people do read Winnicott to try to understand their mommy issues, some read it to impress girls they meet at parties... "  
"Ha! I'm definitely the second case, my mom was good enough"  
Ashlyn had a smirk on her face and stood there staring at Ali for a good 5 seconds, not knowing how to lead the conversation to where she wanted.   
"Ash, you ok?" Ali asked, snapping Ash out of her trance.   
"Oh! Yeah! I'm so so sorry, I was trying to come up with a smart way of flirting back but I guess I'm a bit rusty" Ashlyn said scratching the back of her head.   
"flirting back kind of implies I was flirting with you in the first place" Ali replied with a bit of sass, throwing Ash off guard.   
"Oh, wait… It's just that the way you said and… I just thought... I don't know! I'm sorry!" She said embarrassed, leaving Ali feeling a bit bolder.  
"I'm kidding, Ash! You're right, I was flirting… after all, I gave you my number, you're the one that never reached out."   
"It's the same situation as before! I've been trying to come up with something to text you and not sound like I'm the type of person that reads 'How to get use to sleeping in a king-sized bed' or whatever was the title of that book" She said laughing. "I meant what I said at the party, I wanna get to know you better and-"  
"Are you free on Friday?"   
"Hm yeah, sure! why?"  
"Wanna come with me to a soccer match? It's in New Jersey" Ali asked hopefull "I don't even know if you like soccer but it's the only event I have this week that I could invite you to, that and my court day on Wednesday so soccer game it is"  
"I didn't know you were a lawyer! See? so many things I could learn about you, I could have been making lawyer jokes this whole time. More importantly: I'd love to come to the match with you!"   
"Ok so I'll wait for you to text me first and then I'll text you the details," Ali said walking over to the cashier.   
"Ok WAIT, why do I have to be the one to text first?" Ashlyn said while trying to catch up with Ali, that was already paying for her things. She opened the store's front door and looked back to Ash  
"I don't know, just because I want you to," She said with a wink and left the store, leaving an smiling Ashlyn behind. 

_________________________________________________________________________

Ashlyn got to her apartment around 8:30 pm. She ate leftovers while watching the news, then got ready to bed.   
Before she fell asleep, she unlocked her phone and wrote a text to Ali and they laid on her back. 

Ashlyn: What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? 

After waiting a few minutes, she feels the buzz against her stomach. 

Ali: She knows how to use the phone after all! What's the difference? 

Ashlyn: A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats… And I had to read the manual. 

Ali: Ha! I'm gonna write this one down to use with the next psychologist girl I try to impress.   
Ashlyn: Next psychologist girl? Am I sensing some kind of behavioral pattern here? Also, aren't you moving on too fast? I thought good lawyers were supposed to drag your case on forever. 

Ali: oooh, she knows lawyer jokes as well! I may keep you for a while, Harris. 

Ashlyn: You know how this works: at least 9 sessions to decide if we're compatible. 

Ali: Lol! Ok, so first session scheduled for Friday, right? 

Ashlyn: Right, Al. Good night!

Ali: Night, Ash. BTW, can you analyze my dreams? 

Ashlyn: Anything you want, Al :)


	4. The one about crushes and secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a while to update because I decided to rewrite a few things.  
> I'll probably update again between Friday and Saturday, hopefully, Friday (AKA today - at least here).
> 
> Be nice :)

Ali had a crush. Pinoe was right: Ali never had crushes, but she had one now. Calling it an anthropological study was definitely an overreaction, but it wasn't much less deserving of attention. 

She texted Ash telling her previous dream every morning and, being true to her word, Ashlyn did her best to analyze them. She came up with some crazy ass theories more often than not, making Ali laugh right in the morning, setting her day off to a great start. Today - Wednesday - wasn't much different. Ali was already on her way to work and Ashlyn was still trying to convince her of her theory. 

Ashlyn: All I'm saying is that dreaming about food is a sign that you should eat before going to bed. 

Ali: Ashlyn, I had dinner. 

Ashlyn: Ever heard of SUPPER? 

Ali: No, I not Canadian. Besides, I dreamt about eating a donut. Maybe it just has been a long time since I last had one, right? 

Ashlyn: Americans have supper too! And maybe, yes. But consider this: maybe you haven't had much sweetness in your life. Maybe the sweet is just a metaphor for needing more kindness in your relationships. 

Ali: Sometimes I can't believe you actually have a degree. 

Ashlyn: And you've only known me for a week. 

Truth to be told, Ali never believed in dream analysis, mostly because she always understood dreams as being the result of everything you saw or thought about during the day. When she asked Ashlyn to analyze her dream, she was joking, and she planned to use this as a premise to text Ashlyn again in the morning. 

She had two days until their date, meaning she had to days create a comfortable place in which things between them don't get too much awkward during the game. 

Ali: Yeah, and my first impression was that you were smart. Now I see how wrong I was. 

Ashlyn: dream analysis isn't my forte, I'll have to agree with you on that. But I'm really good at other things. 

Ali: Like what? 

Ashlyn: I'll show you on Friday ;) 

That last text made Ali blush. All their interactions so far have been fun and kind of flirty. They haven't mentioned Ashlyn's recent breakup and Ali knew nothing beyond what Pinoe had told her, which wasn't much at all. 

Ali: weren't you supposed to be working? analyzing your real patients? 

Ashlyn: I had two last minute cancelations. I'm sitting all alone in my office, bored to death. 

Ali: take a nap on the divan. 

Ashlyn: I don't have one! 

Ali: what kind of therapist are you? Are you sure you have a degree? 

Ashlyn: a non-Freudian/psychoanalyst one. As a matter of fact, I have three degrees: BA, MA, and Ph.D.

Ali: what type are you then? And how did you fool them 3 times? 

Ashlyn: I'm not a regular therapist, I'm a cool therapist. And I can't tell you my secrets before the first date, but I can anticipate that it had something to do with the dimple. 

Ali: soo cool that you quote 'Mean Girls'? 

Ashlyn: It's a classic, Als. 

That was something that Ali didn't know how to feel about yet, the 'Als' Ashlyn kept throwing here and there. Just thinking about Ashlyn sitting in her office, with her perfectly coiffed hair and her perfectly styled outfit, with that perfect smirk on her lips, typing 'Als' and knowing exactly how much she was making Ali fuzzy with that.  
The conclusion was: Ali had a crush. A big one. It felt too soon, a little bit disrespectful to the past relationship that just ended, but the real disrespectful one was the girl that cheated, right?  
Ali got to the courtroom 30 minutes before she was supposed to, as usual. 

Ali: just got to the courtroom, wish me luck? 

Ashlyn: As if you needed it. 

Ali: You don't know me much, how can you tell I'm good and don't need luck? 

Ashlyn: It fits your profile. But if it makes you feel better, I'll be sending you 'good vibrations'. 

Ali: You're stupid, but thank you. TTYL. 

Ashlyn: OK! GL, DSTM A DFTTMA

Ali: What?

Ashlyn: I decided to use abbreviations as well. 

Ali: As I said, you're stupid. Bye! 

That last interaction made Ali smile. Ashlyn seemed like such a good person and talking to her daily felt good. She could only hope their date would go like their conversations had been: easy. 

_________________________________________________________________________

It's been a few hours since Ali left the courtroom. As expected, she won the case. She went out to a bar to celebrate with some colleagues from work, and already had a couple of beers when her phone buzzed in her back pocket. 

Ashlyn: Als, you're killing me! How did it go?! 

Ali: I'm sorry! I ended up going out with some friends. I won! 

Ashlyn: It's ok, sorry to interrupt. I'm happy for you, I knew you'd win! Tell me about your dream tomorrow :) 

Ali didn't know what she was supposed to answer. She wanted to tell Ashlyn that she wasn't interrupting anything, tell her to come to meet them, but she didn't know if that's what Ashlyn wanted.  
She ended up not texting her back and leaving the bar way later than she planned. 

_________________________________________________________________________

Ali didn't remember her dream. She considered coming up with a fake dream to text Ashlyn, but she figured the girl would know she was lying.  
Today was Thursday, and she left work earlier to attend her support group meeting.  
Ashlyn hasn't text her either, but she was the one that texted last. And she did ask Ali to tell her about the dream. Not dreaming was definitely not on Ali's plans.  
She went to the meeting and did what she always did: listen to every single one of the other members talk about their week, feels happy for the ones that were doing well, gives a comforting smile to those that weren't, and after everyone gave their statement, she'd go to the table with coffee, have a cup, and would leave. She never talked.  
Most people she knew had no idea about the incident. Her mother knew, so did her brother. She assumed her father did as well but not because she told him, just because she thought her mother did. None of her friends knew about it, or any co-workers. The closest she ever told anyone was when she had to explain to her boss that she would need to leave early every Thursday, for medical reasons. 

In the beginning, some people from the office speculated the reason. Some thought she had a chemotherapy appointment, some thought she was having laser hair removal. She never spoke about it, never gave any clues, no one had the courage to ask. Eventually, they lost interest in it. 

Today, a 54 years-old lady called Elizabeth gave a heartfelt speech about finally coming feeling comfortable with her body. Ali cried a little. The woman was 25 years older than her. What if it took her that much to feel comfortable again too? Ali felt helpless with the prospect of having a 25 years journey ahead of her. She felt sad. She felt robbed. But at the same time, the lady seemed so happy, so free, that Ali couldn't help but feel happy for her.  
Maybe waiting 25 years would be good for her too. 

She was standing by the foods and beverages table, choosing between red velvet cake or chocolate cake when Sharon came to her. 

"Hey Ali, it's nice to see you here." she said with a genuine smile. 

"Hi Sharon, I'm here every week!" Ali said smiling back at her. 

Some weeks Ali didn't feel like coming. She lived a normal life, she could ignore the incident and pretend it didn't happen most of the time. Having this meeting was a weekly reminder that it did in fact happen. 

But at the same time, she knew it was a lie. She'd go to bars and never flirt back with anyone that approached her. She'd always hold back in relationships. She had a hard time letting people get close to her. Everyone the knew her, knew that Ali didn't take. She let them think it was because she wanted to focus on her career, not because she was terrified. 

So that's why Pinoe was right, maybe more right than she knew. Ali willing to go on a date with Ashlyn and more importantly to actually connect with her in some way could be the subject of an Anthropological study. 

That's where she felt coming to these meetings had helped. Most members had normal healthy relationships that they would talk about every meeting. That made Ali feel like she could have that too someday. It's been 9 years, after all, she had to get better. 

"I know you are, that makes me happy. I'm happy you're here every week" Sharon said taking a piece of the Red Velvet cake. Ali ended up choosing the chocolate one. 

"Honestly, with every week it gets easier to come. I'm happy with my progress." 

"I'm glad to hear that, Ali. Maybe one day you'll feel comfortable with sharing with us… no pressure!" Sharon said supportively. 

That's what made Ali doubt her capacity of having a relationship: she had to share. If she eventually has a girlfriend, she'll have to tell her. The idea of being this vulnerable someday made her want to puke. 

"Maybe," she said dryly, putting the cake back on the table. She was ready to leave. "I'm gonna go now, Sharon. See you next week" she said while picking up her jacket and walking towards the door. 

She was on the subway going back home, and some bad thoughts were flying over her mind. She tried to calm herself down by thinking that she didn't have to tell anyone now. She was only having her first date with Ash tomorrow, that's not a first date type of conversation. If they had more that's, she bet Ashlyn wouldn't be mad at her for not telling right away. 

But Ashlyn was a Psychologist, she could read people, right? What if Ashlyn could tell she was hiding something? Maybe there was something in the way Ali talked that could give her away, or even in her dreams! She had told Ashlyn about 3 dreams already, by now she probably had already figured out.

She knew she was having the beginning of an anxiety attack and tried to calm her mind down. There's no way any of this things were real. Ash was a therapist, not a mind reader. Ali decides to text her.

Ali: what's your field of study?

Ashlyn: Oh there she is! I was wondering if something had happened to you. 

Ali instantly relaxed after reading Ashlyn's response. All the bad things were only happening inside her mind, not in real life. Ashlyn was a good person, Ali didn't feel nervous talking to her, she felt safe. She assumed Ashlyn was really good at her job, she probably had this calming effect on everyone. 

Ali: Sorry, I had a busy day. 

Ashlyn: It's ok Als, just joking. To answer your question: I studied mostly social psychology and cognition, brain and behavior - that's the name of the field, not three separated topics. And I'm currently studying the psychology of close relationships. 

Ali: It's funny because you send all these stupid texts about my dreams but then you sound so smart when talking about your researches - not that you talk much about them, but when you do you sound like a genius. 

Ashlyn: definitely not a genius lol and about the dream stuff: I'm kind of skeptical. I don't think we dream of random things, but I wouldn't look too deep into them. Why do you ask? 

Ali: I'm leaving therapy and it made me wonder. 

Ashlyn: You see a therapist? 

Ali: Yeah… are you judging me? lol 

Ashlyn: No, not at all, obviously. I just didn't know. I see one too. 

Ali: every day when you look yourself in the mirror? 

Ashlyn: Ha! Yeah, that too. But for real, I have a therapist. It's cool that you see one, most people think they don't need when in reality everyone does. 

Ashlyn was right. Ali always thought that seeing a therapist was a sign that something was terribly wrong. She only started therapy when something did go terribly wrong with her life. She wouldn't tell Ashlyn this, not now. But after starting, she understood the importance of taking care of the mind just as much as the rest of the body. 

Ali: It's good that you already see a therapist, you'll be traumatized after you see how much fired up I get watching soccer. 

Ashlyn: Everyday you raise my expectations on this date. I honestly can wait. Who are we cheering for? 

Ali: This is a hard one for me. I'm from Washington, but I don't really like the spirit, so I think I'm going with Sky Blue, they really need support this season. 

Ashlyn: Yeah, I read they haven't won any games this season yet, right? 

Ali: Yeah, it's sad. 

Ashlyn: maybe we become their lucky charms. 

Ali: And then we'll have to go to every game.

Ashlyn: I wouldn't complain. My team is in Florida, I miss watching live soccer. 

Ali: Are you a Pride supporter? I love them. 

Ashlyn: Oh yeah, gotta cheer for the gays, right? 

Ali: They are really that gay, aren't they?

Ashlyn: Girl, they're purple. 

Ali: oh yeah, purple is the color of the gays. 

Ashlyn: Yeah, but tomorrow we're blue.  
Ali: Yeah, we are. Do you want me to pick you up? 

Ashlyn: What time is the match? 

Ali: 7 pm

Ashlyn: Hm, can you pick me up at Columbia? It's the Morningside campus, 1190 Amsterdam Avenue. 

Ali: Sure, Ash! I'll text you when I'm close. 

Ashlyn: Ok, I'm going to bed. Text me your dream! Good night, Als. 

Ali: Night, Ash 

Ali was too excited to sleep. She prepared a hot bath to help her relax, prepared a sandwich and hot chocolate. She sat on her couch and turned the tv on, surfing through some channels until finding some that didn't demand much attention. 

She woke up around 4 am and realized she had fallen asleep on the couch. She took the dishes to the sink and went to bed. After a few minutes of tossing and turning, she wasn't able to fall back to sleep.  
She grabbed her phone and texted Ashlyn. 

Ali: Are you there? 

She had absolutely no hope that Ash would be awake, but she had to try. To her surprise, her phone buzzed a few minutes later.

Ashlyn: Yeah! Are you ok? 

Ali: Yes, it's just that I slept on the couch and now that I moved to the bed I can't fall asleep. 

Ashlyn: I hate when that happens

Ali: Why are you awake?

Ashlyn: I wake up a lot during the night. I guess I'm still not used to sleeping with space to spare. 

Ali: Do you miss her?

Ashlyn: It's hard. I don't miss her, but I got used to sleeping with someone. It's just weird. 

Ali: Maybe you should have bought that book, 'sleeping in big beds' or something.

Ashlyn: Yeah, maybe. Or maybe I should have bought a single bed.

Ali: You'd be uncomfortable.

Ashlyn: I know, I bought the best bed for my back. 

Ali: And you still can't sleep.

Ashlyn: You know what I'm doing? I'm watching a show on Netflix. 

Ali: What are you watching? 

Ashlyn: Abstract, the art of design. Wanna watch it?

Ali: You're ahead of me! 

Ashlyn: Yeah but it's not chronological. Just pick an episode and I'll change to it. 

Ali: K, wait a sec. 

Ali got the remote control and turned the tv on. She found the series on Netflix and quickly read the episode's description.

Ali: Can we watch the fourth? 

Ashlyn: The one about the architect? Sure! 

They watched two episodes 'together' until Ali felt asleep.  
That night, she dreamt of Ashlyn.


	5. A Psychologist and a Lawyer walk into a bar...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of hours late but here it is... 
> 
> Warning: the last scene at the bar may be a bit disturbing to some. It involves sexual harassment, but nothing too graphic. If you choose not to read, let me know on the comments so I add a quick explanation on the beginning of the next chapter so you're not lost on the story. 
> 
> I'll take this opportunity to warn that there will be mention of rape in the future. Again, nothing graphic. When we get to that point, I'll let you know on the notes again. 
> 
> Please be kind :)

Ali retyped her text to Ashlyn three times, she wasn't sure she should tell her about the dream. It wasn't a big deal, they were just eating at her kitchen table. Something more was happening around them, but she didn't remember the context, she just remembered Ashlyn. At the same time, she wanted to text her. They were meeting later today, Ali was going to pick her up and then they had an hour-long drive down to New Jersey. 

Ali had a few dates after the incident, she dated 3 women and found something wrong with all of them before they had a chance to get any more serious. None of them got the official status. It's not like she didn't want to date or have relationships, it's just that something inside her wouldn't let her open up or be vulnerable. 

The thing is: she was tired. She wanted to get married and have a family and she felt like her anxiety was getting in the way. 

She had 5 seconds of courage.

Ali: I dreamt of you. 

Ashlyn: wow! what were we doing?

Ali: We were eating on my kitchen table. 

Ashlyn: Als, you HAVE to start eating before going to bed. What were we eating?

Ali: I don't remember! Anyways, I'll pick you up around 5 pm, ok?

Ashlyn: Sure, can't wait! 

Ali went to work but her mind was already at the game. She couldn't stop thinking about, she felt like she was buzzing. Janice, her colleague, had trouble with her office - apparently, there was a leaking on the roof - and had asked Ali to share hers for the day. They were sitting on opposite sides, but Ali was constantly tapping her pen on the table, and Janice couldn't help but notice. 

"Ali, are you nervous?"

"What? No, why?"

"You're causing an earthquake with that pen."

She hadn't even noticed she was doing it. Ali had a few coping mechanisms, like fidgeting or drawing simple figures on a blank piece of paper.

"I'm sorry, Janice."

"It's ok, Ali!" 

They fell back into silence, but now Ali was completely aware of how nervous she was and started debating whether or not should she tell Janice about it, ultimately deciding on telling. 

"Actually, I'm kind of nervous. I.. I have a date today." - She said smiling, already anticipating Janice's reaction. They've known each other for a couple of years, and all this time Ali hadn't had any dates and probably never mentioned her love life. 

"WHAT? are you serious? You know my heart ain't strong, you can't mess with me like this. Tell me about him!"

That's a sign of how much talked about her relationships: Janice assuming it was a "him". 

"I'm serious, Janice. I'm gonna start by telling you that it's her-"

"Oh god, yes!" - Janice said fist-pumping - "I'm sorry but I just won 10 bucks. I know it's terrible, but I made a bet with Owen from HR that he had 0 chances with you." 

"Janice that's terrible!" - Ali said laughing. That's probably something that would have made her mad in the past, but today she didn't really care, she was just excited to talk about Ashlyn. 

"Don't change the topic, Ali, tell me about her."

"Well, we met at a friend's party. She's a psychologist, really funny and super stylish… and cute. Oh, and smart. I don't know, she's a really nice person. We have known each other for like, a little more than a week I think, and have been texting non-stop for the last few days and I invited her to a soccer match today down in New Jersey."

"Show me a pic."

"Don't judge me but the only one I have is a print screen from her facebook that I got when I was social-media stalking her" - Ali said opening the Galeria app on her phone. 

"Girl, like I'm anywhere near a position to judge you." - Janice said taking the phone Ali was offering her. - "Oh god, she's not cute, she's gorgeous. Now I get the whole pen tapping" - She said gesturing to the area of the table Ali was tapping on. 

"You're not helping" - Ali said giving her friend an eye roll. 

"I'm sorry, Als. But hey, there's nothing to be nervous about. I'm mean, you said she's nice and you're gorgeous too, so she's probably a bit nervous as well. Relax and just be yourself!"

"Urgh, I'll try. It's just that… it's been a while. I really want it to go well." 

"Ali, it's going to awesome, I can feel like."

As if Ashlyn knew Ali was talking about her, Ali's phone buzzes on the table. She picks it up, smiling when she sees Ashlyn's name. 

Ashlyn: I forgot to bring a change of clothes to work. Am I going to embarrass you if I go wearing fancy clothes? 

Ali: Define 'fancy'

Ashlyn: Nothing much, just a button down shirt, slacks, and social shoes. 

Ali: Anything blue? I'm trying to imagine the outfit to measure how I'm going to feel about. 

Ashlyn: the slacks are blue… wait. Are you trying to bring the "what are you wearing" vibe into this conversation? Cause if so I can do so much better… 

Ali: ASHLYN! Have I ever called you stupid? Or annoying? Anyway, as long as you're wearing something blue, you're fine. 

Ashlyn: Stupid yes, but annoying is a new one! I just assume it's your way of showing affection. 

Ali: Bye Ashlyn 

"Is that her?" - Janice asked trying to see Ali's phone. 

"Yeah…" - Ali turned the screen to Janice so she could read it. 

"She seems fun!" - Janice said sitting back in her chair after reading the little interaction. 

Ashlyn: Bye Ali, can't wait to see what you're wearing ;) 

"She's insufferable, that's what she is" - She said smiling down her phone. 

She was ready for it to be 5 pm already. 

_________________________________________________________________________

Ali arrived 15 minutes early, and it wasn't even because of her anxiety, but because she knew that if she waited any longer, something would happen and she would get stuck at the office, that's how usually Fridays went.  
She drove around the block a few times, not really knowing from where Ashlyn would come. 

Ali: I'm here and a bit lost, I can't see any doors. 

Ashlyn: If you drive a little more down Amsterdam, you'll see a big iron gate. I'm the one being held captive by an old lady wearing purple that looks straight from a Harry Potter book. 

Ali laughed at the image and followed Ashlyn's instructions. Not too distant from where she was originally waiting was the iron gate Ashlyn described, a few students were gardened in front of it, and a bit to the left she saw Ash, talking to an old lady that seemed like a professor from Hogwarts. 

Ali: I can see you, I'm on the white land rover. 

She watched as Ashlyn took her phone from her back pocket and read her text, clearly doing her best not be disrespectful to her 'friend'. She raised her head and searched the street for Ali's car. 

Ali watched her point to her direction and say something to the old lady, who seemed unfazed, mostly bored and not disappointed at all that Ashlyn was leaving, already looking for someone else to talk to. Ashlyn waived her goodbye while walking towards Ali. 

"I'm glad you're early, you just saved me from one of the worst interactions of my life" - Ashlyn said getting into the car. Ali couldn't help but notice how much her shirt hugged her biceps. She sleeves were rolled up, showing her tattoos. 

"I had to leave earlier or I'd never leave. What happened?" - Ali said putting the car on the drive, after waiting for Ashlyn buckle the seatbelt. 

"That old lady used to be head of the department of biological sciences. She got too old and retired, I don't really know what happened because that was way before my time but apparently things didn't go so smooth between the parties involved in that decision. Anyway, she spends a good part of her day in front of the gate, talking to strangers and pretending she's still the head of the department. We talked before, but she always forgets me. Today she thought I was a guy." 

"Oh my god, that's terrible" - Ali said glad that Ashlyn was leading the conversation from start. 

"Yeah, I feel bad for her though. She spent a good part of her life here, It must be hard to just leave. It doesn't surprise me she comes every day. Some people call her crazy but if you try to see things from her perspective, it makes sense."

"How come?"  
"Well, she used to come here every day. It's only natural that she keeps coming, right? Yeah, the official link she had with this place doesn't exist anymore, but the emotional link is still there."

"But like, shouldn't she move on?"

"Probably, but at the same time, what difference does it make? she's not hurting anyone. She's like, 89 years old I think, what other options of entertainment does she have? She goes to the bingo with her friends every Saturday, she has a crochet meeting every Monday, a book club meeting every Wednesday, and is still bored. There isn't much left for her to do."

" What surprises me the most about this is how much you know about her!" - Ali said laughing of Ashlyn's knowledge about the old lady. 

"We had a few conversations! I don't know, people tend to open up to me" - Ashlyn said shrugging her shoulders. 

"It's unfortunate that talking to people isn't your job, right?" - Ali joked. 

"Yeah, imagine how much rich I'd be if it was!"

"Probably richer than the Kardashians."

"I wouldn't say richer, but maybe as rich"

_________________________________________________________________________

A little over an hour later, they were arriving at the Yurcak Field. The drive down there was filled with their usual banter: jokes after jokes, smart comments, and laughter. Ali was relieved it's was pretty much as she wished it would be: easy. Ashlyn made everything easy, not letting it become weird, she'd talk about every topic Ali came up with and even sang to some songs that came on the radio. She seemed comfortable, which made Ali feel comfortable as well. 

They parked on a parking lot 5 minutes walking from the field. 

"Can I leave my bag here? I only have to take my wallet." Ashlyn said getting off the car. 

" Yeah, we're inside the university, I think it'll be ok," Ali said getting off as well. They started walking towards the stadium.

" I don't have anything valuable in here besides most of my research so…" 

That last statement made Ali wide her eyes, she didn't want to be responsible for Ashlyn losing all her work.

"Ash, I don't think we should-"  
"I'm joking Als! I'm mean, there's a good part of the results in there but we have a digital copy. In fact, I'm the only old person that keeps a physical copy as well" - Ashlyn said throwing her arm around Ali's shoulder and giving it a squeeze as if to assure her. She then took her arm back. 

It was the first time Ali had heard her calling her 'Als' in person, and adding that to the arm thing, Ali could feel the butterflies on her stomach. 

"We should try to get you a scarf or something, so you look more soccer game appropriate." - she said trying to clear her head from the last interaction. 

"Oh, I really want one of those!" - Ashlyn sounded like an excited child whose mom promised sweets. 

"haha, you're cute when you get excited" - Ali said without thinking and immediately getting red of embarrassment. 

"I like to think that I'm always cute, but thank you Als, you're cute too." - Ashlyn replied smiling right away, not wanting to give time for Ali to get more uncomfortable. 

"thanks, I think I saw a stand there, we should go check" - Ali mumbled walking to a stand the sold some Sky Blue jerseys and scarves. Ashlyn mentally giggled at Ali's willingness to change topics. 

They bought a scarf for Ashlyn and moved to inside the stadium to grab good sits. Ali could see how Ashlyn was trying to make her comfortable by avoiding anything related to what she had said. 

"So, should we make bets? - Ashlyn suggested." 

"On the score? sure. What are we betting?"

"A beer. Whoever loses buys the winner a beer after the game… if you're free of course!"

"I'm in! So… I'm betting it's 0-0"

"Ok, I'm gonna go with 1-0 Sky Blue"

"It's on! - Ali said excitedly."

_________________________________________________________________________

Ali won. As she usually did. But the promise of having beers and a few more hours with Ashlyn made it all much more special. 

The game went very well. The made comments all the time and Ali found out that Ashlyn was as much of a loud supporter as she was. She also noticed the small movements she made to get closer to Ali. They weren't touching in any "intimate" way, it's just that Ashlyn had started the game being at least a palm away from Ali and now they were touching arms. Ashlyn even leaned a bit closer to Ali's ear a few times to talk because of the loud noise around them. Right now, Ali didn't dare to move much. 

\- I guess I owe you a beer then! - Ashlyn said still looking over the pitch. 

\- Yeah, that was fun, right? - Ali said looking over at Ash. 

\- Oh, so much fun, it's been a while since I last got to watch live sports, I missed. I'm glad I came with you. - Ashlyn squeezed Ali's forearm quickly - So, do you know any good bars? 

\- Hm, I might have a place. 

_________________________________________________________________________

They drove back to New York and Ali took them to a bar close to her apartment. She chose this one because it usually didn't get much crowded, which was good for two reasons: One because she didn't feel comfortable in crowded spaces and two because it wouldn't get so loud that they couldn't hear each other. She really wanted to get to know Ashlyn more. 

\- You know, i think I've heard this joke before - Ashlyn said following Ali inside the bar. 

\- What? - Ali asked confused. She was usually good in following Ashlyn's jokes, but this one made no sense. 

\- Oh you know, a psychologist and a lawyer walk into a bar… 

Ali threw her head back in laughter.

"You're really good at this, Ash" 

"At what? Making you laugh? I try" - Ashlyn replied smiling and moving over to the bar. She ordered two beers and Ali guided them back to a free booth. She set first, expecting Ashlyn to sit in front of her. To her surprised, Ash opted to sit beside her. 

"So, now what?" - Ashlyn asked seemingly expecting Ali to give her a chore. 

"I don't know!" - Ali laughed - "Tell me something about you" 

Ashlyn pretended to think deep before answering. 

"I take two showers a day" 

Ali laughed loud. - "You thought that hard for this? More importantly, why two?!" 

"I don't know, I feel dirty both in the morning and before going to bed so one shower before leaving for work and one before sleeping. Your turn, tell me something good" 

"Something good like yours?" 

"Nah, mine was terrible." - Ashlyn winked. 

"Urgh, you're insufferable… I don't know, why don't you ask me something?" 

"Ok, why law school?" 

"I wanted to help people. Why psychology?" 

"I like people-watching." 

"Why are all your answers so unusual?" 

"I don't know, I guess I'm unusual. You said it yourself, I'm a therapist that wears Doc Martens." 

"And goes to soccer matches wearing formal clothes" - Ali tilted her head to see Ashlyn better. 

"Not my fault. But ok, I'll give you a better answer: I do love people-watching. since I was a kid I'd go to school by bus and love it, I'd spend the whole drive observing people and imagining what was going on with their lives. But I had a lot of problems growing up. My parents had problems with abuse and I don't know, I didn't have many friends or adult guidance. Luckily I liked to study, or I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today. Anyways, I was bullied in school and had no one to help me, so I grew up with a lot of anger. For some reason, when I was a teenager I looked back and realized that things would have been way easier for me had I had someone to help me, or an adult that saw how much I needed therapy. I don't know, I kind of wanted to be that person to someone else." - she took a sip of her beer - "Anyway, at the end of the day, I wanted the same as you, to help people. But I do love to watch them." 

Ali stared at her for a solid 10 seconds. The woman beside her was exactly what she thought she was: incredible good. Ali wanted to learn more about her, make some questions, but she also didn't want to be inappropriate. 

"You're impressive... " she said truthfully "I can totally see why Harvard picked you" she completed joking. 

"Ha! I know how to sell my fish, I just had to play my cards right." Ashlyn took another sip "Anyway, what about past disastrous relationships? Everyone has them"  
"I don't! Well, besides my first - and only - boyfriend. I didn't want to kiss him, so he thought it would be appropriate to ask me for a blowjob" - Ali said laughing at the memory. 

"What? That's nuts. I mean, when talking about men I expect all kinds of crazy but still..."

" I know! And I didn't do it, of course. So the next day I find out he told everyone he broke up with me because I had small boobs."

"Oh god, what a jerk" - Ashlyn said laughing but just because she saw Ali found the memory funny as well. 

"What about you?" - Ali asked. 

"Disastrous relationships? Well, besides the one that the girl was cheating on me for two years…" 

"Oh god, Ash I'm so sorry! That was insensitive" Ali said nervously and beating herself for not remembering. 

"Hey Ali, I'm just joking! I'm fine, really. It's not like I was completely clueless for two years." 

"You knew she was cheating?" 

"No, but I knew she was 100% on it, and I wasn't either. I just never cheated. It's funny because when I found out, somehow I was already ready for it. Anyway, the break up was very amicable. It's always bittersweet, but I was ready for it to end" - Ashlyn told Ali honestly. 

"I'm still very sorry" - Ali said giving her a comforting smile. 

"No need to be sorry, I'm happier being here with you in this bar than I was for the last 2 years or so" 

"Is it insensible if I say I'm glad for that?" Ali asked carefully. 

"Probably, but I won't tell anyone" Ashlyn giggled at Ali's antics. She was being honest, this date was the best thing that had happened to her in a while. 

"Do you feel like dancing a bit?" - Ali invited. 

"Sure!" 

They moved to the dance floor and danced together but not too close. The distance between them was enough to keep things platonic but also to show that they both wanted to be closer. Ashlyn even dared to put her hands on Ali's hips during a few slower songs. 

Ali was laughing at some stupid dance moves Ashlyn was making to entertain her. Being in front of her gave Ashlyn the position to watch everything in almost slow-motion. She saw the guy getting closer, staring at Ali. She knew right away what he wanted and tried to anticipate his moves, but he was faster. Next thing she knew, he was trying to grind his hips against Ali's, placing his hand on the front of her hips and pulling her towards her, trying to whisper something on her ear. 

Ashlyn saw Ali's body frozen, her eyes stopping immediately on an unfocused position. She saw the fear. 

She quickly moved to free Ali from the men's threatening embrace, shifting their positions so she was between Ali and the men, who immediately lost interest and went on to look for another woman. Ashlyn turned her full attention to Ali. She saw how much she was sweating and that her breath was short. She looked for a quick way out but saw that there was a lot of people between them and the door. She moved them to a quieter corner with a little bit of space. 

She placed her fingertips on Ali's forearms, kneading them, then moving their way softly to her hands, trying to open them as they were clenched stiff. 

"Ali, I'm here with you. Can you open your hands for me?"

Ali didn't seem to hear her, and she was ready to try again when she felt her hands opening flat. She moved her finger all over Ali's palms, first in circles and then all the way to her fingertips and back to her wrist. She then laced their hand together. 

"Ali, can you hear me?"

Ali nodded her head. 

"Great! Can you feel my hands?"

Ali nodded again. 

"Can I move them to your arms?" She asked waiting for Ali's consent, which was granted with another nod from the girl. 

Ashlyn moved her hands back to her forearms slowly, then to her biceps and shoulders, following to her back. She kept the space between them. 

"Ali, can I hug you?"

It took her a few seconds, but Ali nodded. Ashlyn them moved her body closer to Ali's, hugging her tight enough to make her feel protected, but loose enough so she knew she could get out of it anytime. 

"Ali, I'm here with you. Can you feel my body? I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." 

Ali rested her head against Ashlyn's chest. Ashlyn felt Ali's heart beating fast against her chest. 

"Can you take a deep breath for me? Just a couple so we can calm your heart"

Ali nodded and did as told. That's when she felt the tears falling, she couldn't control them. Ashlyn felt it on her shirt and saw it as a sign that Ali was coming back, her body was responding to the shock in more ways than just freezing. For some, crying could be a bad sign, but Ashlyn understood it was Ali's body and mind coming back to an agreement: they were scared. 

"It's ok, Als. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you" 

Ali hugged her tighter, feeling like she needed to anchor on Ashlyn to survive. Feeling this, Ashlyn started to move her hands in circles on Ali's back. 

"You're safe, Al. I'm here with you, you're safe" She rested her head on Ali's lightly, not wanting to put any more pressure on the girl's body. All she wanted was to make the fear go away. 

"I promise you, you're safe" 

For the first time in what felt like ages, Ali believed.


	6. Safety & Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I have some chapters ready but because this one is a little "slower" than the others I decided to make it longer. 
> 
> TW there's a brief mention of rape on this one, during Ali's group meeting. Just let me know if you chose to skip it so I can add a recap on the notes in the next chapter. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience and as usual, be kind :)

The first thing Ali noticed when she woke up was that she was on her own bed, wearing her sleeping clothes, facing towards the window. She had no idea how she got there.  
The last thing she remembers from last night was being held by Ashlyn. She remembers the guy, the feeling of being trapped, and Ashlyn. Her smell, her arms around her, her fingertips on her arms and hands. She remembers Ashlyn bringing her back to reality.   
Ali thinks that it's pretty much impossible now that Ashlyn doesn't know she's damaged. What kind of person freezes when touched by someone? She could have moved away from him or said she wasn't interested, but she just froze. 

She tried to stop the tears from falling, but it didn't work. She cried softly for a few moments, feeling helpless and so so mad. Going out with Ashlyn had been such a big step towards her ultimate goal of regaining control over her life, and now she felt like this was a major step back. Maybe she wasn't meant to be happy after all, maybe her story didn't have a happing ending. 

Ali was so focused on her thoughts that she hadn't noticed yet the presence of a body behind her until now when she felt the body moving. During the 5 seconds that Ashlyn took to say something, Ali tried to move away from the bed the faster she could only be stopped by an arm that held her by the waist. 

"Ali, it's me, it's ok!" - Ashlyn said moving closer to Ali. 

"Hey, it's ok! It's only me" Ashlyn saw how Ali physically relaxed, but she was still crying.   
"Come here, can I hug you?' She said opening her arms. Ali nodded and Ashlyn pulled her gently into her. Ali rested her head against Ashlyn's chest, a bit scared. 

"You asked me to stay the night, I figured it would be better if I slept over the blankets. I'm sorry if I scared you" 

Being calmer now allowed Ali to notice that Ashlyn was wearing the same clothes from yesterday and was laying over the blankets. Ali also noticed that she was wearing her usual sleeping clothes. 

"Did you change my clothes?" She said against Ashlyn's chest.

"No, you changed on the bathroom. How are you feeling?" Ashlyn's answer made Ali feel way more comfortable. 

"A little bit better now," she said honestly, being held by Ashlyn did wonder to calm her nerves. "About last night: I'm so sorry. What happens is that… I, well. The thing is-"

"Hey, Als, you don't have to tell me. It's ok! Really, whenever you're ready to talk, I'm here." Ashlyn said massaging Ali's back with her hands. Truth to be told, she had a guess on what had happened to Ali, she was a therapist, she could recognize the signs of trauma. All she wanted was to make Ali feel safe. "Just focus on sleeping a little bit more, you had a rough night. I'm gonna be here when you wake up" 

Ashlyn's comment about her night made her realize how tired she felt. With Ashlyn's hands drawing circles on her back, Ali quickly felt back to sleep, feeling safer than she did in at least 9 years. 

_________________________________________________________________________

Ashlyn woke Ali up an hour later to ask what she wanted for breakfast. The girl was still sleepy and said something about bagels and cappuccino. Ashlyn soothed her hair until she was sure Ali was sleeping deeply again. She left Ali's apartment and walked to the closer coffeeshop, getting some bagels, muffins and two cups of cappuccino, stopping at the market on her way back to quickly get some ingredients for lunch. Ali hasn't said anything about Ashlyn spending the day, but she had a feeling the girl wasn't ready to be alone yet.

Ali woke up with Ashlyn carrying a tray with breakfast into the room. 

"I didn't understand what you said so I kind of guessed, I'm sorry" 

"You're bringing me breakfast in bed, Ashlyn, that's way more than I could ever ask"

Ashlyn sat beside her on the bed. She positioned the tray between them, took one of the cups and handed it to Ali. 

"Thank you," Ali said taking a sip of the coffee. Honestly, she didn't know what to say, she felt like she owned Ashlyn some kind of explanation, but she had no idea how to start. 

"I bought some groceries so we can cook lunch later, I hope you like chicken pasta with salted mushrooms" 

"Oh that's great, but you shouldn't have bothered, Ash." 

"I wanted to, I wanted to do something nice for you," Ashlyn said this so casually that Ali couldn't even respond, Ashlyn made things so easy for her. "This is a great apartment, Als. I love the decoration and the open kitchen concept." 

"Interior design and architecture are some of your areas of interests?" Ali said giggling 

"Not really, but I have been thinking about it a lot since I moved into my new apartment. I'm not feeling very comfortable there yet, it still doesn't feel like home and I think part of it is because I haven't decorated yet." 

"How come?" 

"I don't know, most of my not-necessary to day-to-day life things are still on boxes. I got my kitchen utensils out, most part of my clothes and sheets and the books I'm using as well. But most decor and shit are still in the boxes. And it's not like I have much, most parts of the things from the old apartment were Steph's so..."

"If you need help taking your things out of the boxes, I love decorating and organizing." 

"I can tell," Ashlyn says looking around Ali's room. Except for a chair by the corner that had her last night's clothes hanging, everything was in place. 

"I actually cleaned up yesterday! I'm not a cleaning freak or anything" 

They finished breakfast while talking about decoration and making plans of buying more furniture for Ashlyn's apartment. Ali decided to take a shower after they were done, leaving Ashlyn to explore a little bit more. 

She was looking over the books on Ali's shelf when she came out of the bathroom. Ali stood by the threshold that led to the living room, watching Ashlyn move around the room. She wanted Ashlyn's company more than anything. She knew Ashlyn planned on staying for lunch, so Ali tried to come up with something for them to do until then that could be extended to after lunch as well.

"Do you feel like watching some movies, or maybe a show?" Ali asked.

"Sure, what kind do you like?" Ashlyn asked still looking over Ali's books. She knew some of them and was amazed by her interests. On the same shelf, Ali had 'Thus Spoke Zarathustra' by Nietzsche, 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' by Kundera, all volumes of the Harry Potter series, some books by Woolf and 'Missoula' by Krakauer. The later had Ashlyn thinking. "It's funny how you go from Harry Potter to Kundera and Nietzsche." 

"I'm versatile," Ali said sitting on her couch. She got the tv remote and turned it on Netflix. "How do you feel about starting a new show?" 

"I'm into it. It's been a while since the last time I started one that wasn't exclusively to help me sleep." 

"Ok so what about Murder mysteries, do you like them?"

"Yeah but I'm not sure you'll find one I haven't watched yet." Ashlyn sat beside Ali on the couch. Even though she was trying to keep some distance to make sure Ali was comfortable, she still wanted to be close to the girl. During the night, she had a hard time keeping a respectful space between them, as Ali constantly got closer, almost pressing her back to Ashlyn's chest. Considering how Ali got scared when she woke up and found someone on her bed, Ashlyn knew her efforts were for the best.

"What about 'Mindhunters'?" Ali said browsing Netflix. 

"I haven't watched it but I read the book."

"Urgh, you're boring…. Oh, this 'Dark' seems nice" Ali said pointing to the title. Ashlyn seemed to be reading the synopsis so she waited a bit.

"Yeah, it does. How many episodes? I like the long ones"

"10, and they are like, an hour long. Can we watch it?" 

"Sure! Press play"

They watched three episodes non-stop, initially keeping the original distance, but Ali ended up laying her head on Ashlyn's tights, with Ash playing with her hair. She liked this feeling of being comfortable with someone's touch, it was all part of the effect Ashlyn had on her. She ended up falling asleep after the end of episode three. 

Ashlyn decided to use this cue to start preparing lunch. She put a pillow under Ali's head and a blanket over her and watched the girl sleep for a while. During the night, she noticed how restless Ali's sleep was, it seemed like she was having nightmares, always tossing and turning. At least now it looked like she was sleeping well. 

Ashlyn had to guess her way around the kitchen, but for her fortune, Ali was very organized and it made her work easier. About 40 minutes later, lunch was ready. She used the same tray as earlier to take everything to the couch. She left the tray on the coffee table got on her knees to get to Ali's level, gently touching her arm.

"Hey Als, lunch is ready" Ali stirred a bit, taking a while to open her eyes. A smile came to her face when she smelled the food.

"I might keep you around if you wake me up with food every time," 

"Good, that was the plan," Ashlyn said taking her previous spot beside Ali.

They ate together making comments about the show they had watched. Ali was trying to make sure Ashlyn was staying after lunch.

"Maybe we can watch a few more episodes of these and then switch to a movie, I really don't feel like going out"

"We can, but I should probably go home to change my clothes," Ashlyn said finishing her food. 

"Is your apartment too far from here?" Ali asked, but what she really meant was if it would take long for Ashlyn to be back. 

"No, and I'll get an Uber. I should probably be back in half an hour, tops." 

Ashlyn took the dishes to the sink and went to the bedroom to get her phone.

"I'll be back soon, Als. Don't watch any episodes while I'm away" She said opening the door. 

It wasn't even 5 minutes after Ashlyn left and Ali was already feeling too lonely. She didn't want to think about yesterday, about how scared she felt. All these bad thoughts had been dancing around her head, only waiting for Ashlyn to leave so they could settle on her mind.   
On an impulse to stop them, Ali got her phone and dialed Ashlyn's number. It rang twice before the girl picked up. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Ali could hear the worry in her voice. 

"Yeah, I was just wondering. Maybe you should get work clothes" 

"Oh, and why is that?" Ashlyn knew what Ali meant, but she wanted to hear her saying it. 

"So we can have a sleepover weekend," Ali said trying to sound nonchalant. She didn't want Ashlyn to pick up on her fear, she didn't want to make her feel like she had to stay with Ali.   
"Oh yeah, I should have thought about from start. I'll get some of the files I have to take to work on Monday as well. I'll be back in 30, bye Als"

She rushed back and they stayed on the couch the whole day, almost finishing the first season of 'Dark' and watching a couple of movies. Ashlyn made them some sandwiches for dinner and even convinced Ali of having supper later. 

"You won't dream of food tonight, you'll see. It'll give you 'space' to dream of something else, more important" Ashlyn said cleaning the dishes. 

"Says the girl that can't even analyze dreams." Ali was sitting on a barstool, watching Ashlyn. 

"I can! It's not like that thou, we don't have a dictionary with every meaning, it changes from person to person, everyone is unique" Ashlyn said turning back to Ali. 

"That's exactly what someone that can't analyze dreams would say to justify their inability" Ali responded with a smirk. 

"I'll analyze the heck out of your next dream… that's totally not going to be about food." Ashlyn said throwing the towel she used to clean her hands over her shoulder. "Speaking of dreams, do you mind if I take a shower?" 

"That was probably the worst segue ever, Ashlyn. And please do, you're kind of smelly." Ali said dramatically holding her nose. 

"It's not! I'm gonna take a shower so we can go to bed and you can sleep and dream of something that it's not food. It's an obvious connection." 

"I'm gonna grab you a towel," Ali said rolling her eyes

She layed in bed waiting for Ashlyn to come out of the bathroom. When she first invited Ashlyn out, she knew where she wanted it to take them, and it wasn't the bedroom. Her biggest hope was for a kiss maybe, but she never expected she'd be laying in bed waiting for Ashlyn so they could sleep.

Of course, there was nothing sexual or explicit romantic about the whole thing, but there was plenty implicit. Ashlyn had taken the whole Saturday to take care of her and agreed to sleep there until Monday, she didn't ask Ali for any kind of explanation or anything, in fact she gave her space and time to decide whether she wanted to tell her something, and that was everything Ali could ask for, someone who respected her. 

Ashlyn came out of the bathroom wearing a simple white t-shirt and sleeping shorts. 

"It's funny how we didn't do anything but I feel tired. We literally spent the whole day sitting and I can't wait to be laying down." She said getting on the side of the bed she slept on the previous night. 

"How come you have such defined arms if you're so lazy?" Ali asked sitting against the headboard, holding the magazine she was reading against her bended knees. 

"I'm not usually lazy, I go to the gym and everything. But I have to say, lazy weekends like this are my favorite. You could totally pick something for us to do tomorrow, but spending it just like we did today would be just as great" Ashlyn said lowering her head on the pillow. "Do you want me to stay over the blankets? I really don't mind" 

"Nah, it's okay. Just don't come snicking behind me out of nowhere or you'll get punched" Ali joked. 

"Ok, what are you reading?" Ashlyn said as she pulled the sheets over her, still keep a decent space between them. 

"An interview with Kristen Stewart" Ali said not taking her eyes away from the page. 

"That's what lesbian moms read for their children before tucking them in bed" Ali laughed loudly, playfully slapping Ashlyn's arm. 

"Stop making fun of my interests"

"I'm not making fun, it's the truth! Maybe you can read it for me so I can sleep" 

"Are you calling me your lesbian mom? That's so weird!"

"I'm not, I just trust you to take care of me in such a vulnerable moment. You read "The unbearable lightness of being", right? I saw it on you shelve" 

"Yeah, the biggest demonstration of trust is sleeping with someone," Ali said, kind of quoting the book. The original quote said "love" instead of "trust" but she chose to ignore that. 

"Exactly. Some people think he meant sex but I read the Portuguese version and they don't translate it like us. He meant just sleeping, I think he actually says something like 'the biggest demonstration of love isn't the desire of sex, but the desire to share a bed' "Ashlyn said already getting sleepy. 

"That's so true, especially because I'm such a heavy sleeper, a burglar could break in and I'd never wake up. I think we all make that trust jump when we choose to share a bed with someone" 

"I think so too, and that's why I'm asking you to read me about the former vampire lover, so I can go to sleep peacefully while you take care of me" At this point, Ashlyn already had her eyes closed. 

Ali felt giddy, she wanted to hold Ashlyn and tell her that she would protect her no matter what, just like Ashlyn had done to her yesterday. She read the interview until she heard Ashlyn snorting softly. 

She placed the magazine on her bedside table and, laying on her pillow, turned to look at Ashlyn. She studied her features, the freckles on her nose and cheeks, her messy hair, the soft lips that were slightly parted. Everything on Ashlyn screamed good. Ali felt comfortable, safe, protected even though she was the one awake. 

Watching Ashlyn sleep made her decide to take that trust jump. 

 

_________________________________________________________________________

Their Sunday went pretty much like Saturday, except that they decided to have brunch at a café. They finished Dark and watched some other movies. Ali cooked lunch, they order pizza for dinner, and they slept together again, just a little bit earlier because of work.

When Monday morning came, Ali was already missing Ashlyn. 

"You know, I giving a talk on Friday, you should come!" Ash invites her, as they have coffee together, both ready for work. 

"Oh, I'd love to. What is it about?" 

"I don't have a topic or anything, I just answer a few questions from students about any topic. It's on Columbia at 4:30 pm" 

 

"Ok, I'll be there".

 

They hug in front of the building, it lasts a little longer than a normal hug normally would, and they part ways. Ali took her usual way to work, feeling sad that she wouldn't see Ashlyn until the end of the week. 

When she got to her office, Janice was already there. 

"OMG what took you so long? I'm here dying to know how your date went" She asked, making Ali laugh at her friend's antics. She didn't know how much she should tell her. 

"It went well. We had fun at the game, went to a bar and eventually to my apartment. She just left this morning, but don't get too excited, nothing happened, we just watched tv and ate a lot."

"Oh Als, this is great! But do you feel like something more could happen in the future?" 

Ali replayed the events of the weekend in her head: Ashlyn helping her, they sleeping together, having fun cooking and watching the series. She felt in her heart that there was a lot to happen between them in the near future.

"Honestly? Yes. I really hope so. " She said smiling. 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

On Thursday, Ali went to her group meeting again. She and Ashlyn had been texting each other every day just like they did last week. Ali would recap her dream in the morning, they'll share funny stories from their day, pictures of their meals and even of their outfits. On their weekly coffee date, Pinoe had even shared that Ashlyn couldn't stop talking about Ali and smiled every time she received a text from the girl.

Ali sat on her usual chair and listened to all group members talk about their weeks. Everything was going fine until a girl that was probably Ali's age or a few years older stood up to talk. 

"My name is Evan, and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We live together and plan on getting married soon. I've trusted him deeply since our second date, he knows everything about me and my past and I love him very much. Everything was amazing with us, including our sex life. We usually keep things simple and very old-fashioned, but last week he asked to tie me" The girl started crying, shaking her hands so hard that the woman sitting next to her held her hand to calm her a bit. "I didn't want to disappoint him, so I said yes. It drives me angry that he thought this would be a good idea. He tied me to the headboard, and up until that moment I was feeling calm, but the minute he got over me, I completely lost it. I don't know what happened, but the weight over my body not being able to move my hands made me feel trapped, just like I felt back when I was raped. I begged him to release me and he did right away, but I haven't been able to keep things 'normal' between us. I just keep thinking of the moment, the feeling. I really don't know what to do" 

Everyone in the circle was crying, including Ali. She could feel what the girl had felt, that kind of claustrophobia that only those that had been in this position before knew how it felt like. She didn't know what it was like to be able to build a relationship with someone, but she knew how it felt to be doing well and suddenly have it all collapse right in front of you. 

She stood up and left, almost forgetting her jacket again. On her way home, she scrolled over her phone, reading the texts Ashlyn had sent her.

Ashlyn: I'm so hungry and the line to order is HUGE. 

Ashlyn: FINALLY! - attached to this one was a picture of a plate of salad and a sandwich. 

Ashlyn: Is it bad that I kind of miss doing nothing with you? 

Ashlyn: I'm sorry if that's too much, I just had a stressful meeting and all I wanted was to lay on the couch and watching some not-stressful at all murder mystery. 

Ali didn't have the heart to answer. Was it fair to herself to start a relationship that she knew could collapse at any time? Was it far to Ashlyn to have a relationship with someone that could collapse at any time just after she was cheated? She didn't deserve this, she deserved someone that was normal, someone that could give her their 100%, someone that could make her happy.

She got to her apartment and went immediately to the bathroom. She filled the bathtub with hot water and took off her clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. She plunged into the water, staying under it until she felt her lungs burning for air. Her entire body was burning, reacting to the water temperature. She needed this, to feel something besides the numbness that this kind of bad thoughts brought her. 

She only left the tub almost 45 minutes later, when the water was already getting too cold for her. 

She put her pajamas on and layed in bed. It was too early to sleep, but she didn't feel like doing anything else. She plugged her phone to the charger and read the last texts.

 

Ashlyn: I'm sorry if I'm too much sometimes. 

Ashlyn: Als, are you ok? You don't have to answer any of my previous texts, just let me know if you're ok/need something. 

Ashlyn: I'm here for you if you want it. 

Ali couldn't ignore her, she couldn't ignore someone like her. 

Ali: You're not too much, Ash. I'm sorry it took me so long to answer, I had therapy today and I was kind of rough. But I'm ok now! 

Ashlyn: I'm sorry it was rough. Do you need anything from me?

Ali: Maybe some virtual company? I could really use some stupid show right now. 

After a few minutes, Ashlyn texted her back. 

Ashlyn: I browsed on Netflix and what about 'Nailed It'? Sounds funny. 

Ali: I'm in! Episode one?

Ashlyn: Press play in a minute! 

They watched together just like they had done last week, texting their thoughts on each participant and the cakes. All bad thoughts were forgotten for now.


	7. The Social Study of a Lesbian Bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be a lot of mistakes on this one because I didn't edit it at all. School started so I didn't have time and really wanted to update. I promise the next one will be better.
> 
> I study psychology, so everything written here is either my opinion or I heard a teacher/one of the doctors from the hospital I volunteer in saying. In case you know more than me - which is very likely to happen because I'm mostly starting my studies now - feel free to comment and express your point of view, I might even edit the chapter or change something in the future chapters. 
> 
> And yes, Ashlyn's experience on the hospital is based on mine. Her speech regarding the patients she worked within the hospital is based on the one the head doctor gave me when I started volunteering there. 
> 
> Anyway, any opinion is more than welcome as long as it is presented in a respectful way. 
> 
> Be nice :)

Ali was sitting at the Davis Auditorium, at Columbia University, re-reading the texts she had exchanged with Ashlyn this morning.

**Ashlyn: Are you coming today?**

**Ali: Yep. I kind of can't wait.**

**Ashlyn: Glad to hear that. I was wondering if you'd be up for grabbing some drinks after it.**

**Ashlyn: There's this bar, that it's kind of a café that serves drinks, near my new apartment and I really like. They're hosting an event today that I was super interested in and I think you'd like as well.**

**Ali: Oh, sure! What kind of event?**

**Ashlyn: It's something like a gig. People can recite poems and sing songs, this kind of things. I thought it was kind of romantic.**

**Ali: It sure sounds romantic haha**

**Ashlyn: So how do you feel about it?**

**Ali: Excited :)**

She had spent the morning wondering if this could be considered a date. They haven't discussed the official status of today and it all seemed too informal for Ali to be considered a date. She had no idea why Ashlyn had invited her to this and even had a conversation with Janice during their lunch

 

_"So, you're seeing the therapist again today?" Janice said as she took a piece of her salad._

_"Yep, I'm going to a talk she's giving"_

_"A talk? that's like, the least romantic thing I've ever heard"_

_"I think so too! but like, she's so smart I could listen to her talking for hours. And there's no topic, she just answers question's from students" Ali says honestly. Since the minute Ashlyn had invited her, all she could think about was how much she'd love to listen to Ash talking about the things she's interested in._

_"If you say so… just don't wait the entire weekend to tell me how it went, unless there isn't at least a kiss, in that case, don't even bother telling me anything at all."_

_Ali could only laugh at her friend's antics. "You know what? I'm really really really hoping for a kiss this time." She might have been dreaming with a kiss for a few days now, but she wouldn't tell Ash this… or anyone besides Janice._

_"I'll be cheering for us then," Janice said nonchalantly_

_"Us?!" said Ali laughing_

_"I like to live vicariously" Janice answered shrugging her shoulders._

But after the promise of drinks later and an invitation to a more romantic event, she was starting to believe that this was definitely a date, and this realization made her nervous, in butterflies in the stomach kind of nervous. She retouched her makeup twice before leaving and Janice made fun of her over how many times she asked if she looked good.

She left the office an hour earlier and had to waste time going through shops and even having an ice cream. She decided to start her way to de auditorium about 30 minutes earlier, figuring she had time a lot of time in case she got lost.

She got into the auditorium and it was 70% full. Considering it was Friday noon, she felt proud of Ash, betting most part of the students would normally prefer to go out and start the weekend but that much actually chose to watch Ashlyn talking.

She sat in the back because the front rows were full of students chatting, getting their notebooks and laptops ready. This kind of environment was what she missed the most from her time in Yale, the moments she spent only worried about learning the most she could from fantastic classes. Some of her memories of that time weren't good, in fact, they were terrible and still haunted her. But overall, she knew that being able to attend such a great school was a privilege and an opportunity that many desired.

She had amazing teachers in school, you inspired her to be a better version of herself every day and use the opportunity she had to help others. She figured by the number of students in the auditorium that Ashlyn was one of these teachers that students admired.

**Ali: I'm in the back, just so you know where to find me after.**

**Ashlyn: Ok! I'm almost there.**

She entered the room about 3 minutes later, wearing her usual work clothes: black slacks, a white dress shirt, and dress shoes, and a messenger bag made of leather with the Harvard logo imprinted on it.

Ali watched her crossing the stage to put her bag on a chair. The moment she arrived, the whole auditorium felt into silence, all Ali could hear was the noise of notebooks being opened and the clicks of pens. Ashlyn walked to the front of the stage, staying a bit closer to the students. She then sat on the edge, her legs hanging on it, and held her hands together.

"Ok, so let's start. If you have read some of my publications that's great, but if you haven't, it's fine. I know we have some new students here that have absolutely no idea what we're talking about so please feel free to ask anything you want, even if it seems too simple for everyone else. Everyone here wants to learn, no one will make fun of you and I'm a really patient person" As Ashlyn finished the sentence, Ali saw some students agree with her, and even made some encouraging comments to some colleagues. Ashlyn continued when the voices stopped again

"We only have few rules: Raise your hand if you wanna ask a question, wait for me to point at you and stand up to speak. If you don't agree with something I or another student said, wait for your time to respond and keep it respectful. It's ok to disagree with someone but the minute you become somewhat aggressive I'll kick you out of the auditorium, Ok?"

Ali could see some students nodding their heads in agreement.

"Ok, so… who has a question?"

She watched as at least half of the students raised their hands, some even trying to get up a little so they seemed higher. Ashlyn scanned the room, ultimately choosing a shy girl in the third row. The girl stood up, visibly embarrassed and cleared her throat softly.

"Hm, I'm one of the new students and I tried to read some of your articles but I think I didn't understand what's considered part of the 'close relationships' concept. I was wondering if you could give me a brief explanation?"

"Yeah, sure! So, it's actually pretty simple if you have someone to explain it to you instead of just googling, so don't feel any less intelligent than you probably are because of it. Basically, it's interdependence. It's different from other relationships because of the way psychological processes on individual A resonate on the same processes on individual B. There's a kind of a tie between them, like a force. There's a high level of trust, commitment, and intimacy between this individual and that characterizes close relationships. It's not necessarily a romantic relationship, it can be a platonic one… I think I've covered all the basics. I hope my answer helps you!"

The girl who made the question seemed satisfied. She sat down and said something to the girl next to her. Ali saw some students taking notes while others just waited for a chance to raise their hands. It seemed to her that this kind of 'talks' were something Ashlyn did with a certain frequency, as a lot of the students looked like they were not only familiar with her but new the 'drill'.

"Ok, so next question?" A lot of students raised their hands again. Ashlyn picked a boy sitting up front right away. He stood up, much more confident than the first girl.

"Throughout your career, you worked a lot with the autism spectrum. What made you change your course of study?"

"I really don't think I changed a lot. I mean, in both fields I've studied a lot about human interaction and how we relate to people. People in the spectrum have a different way of communicating and, because of that, interacting with others. Obviously, there are other characteristics but most of the work I did with this specific spectrum was related to socialization."

"Yeah but you're no longer studying a specific pathology, right?"

"Yes but the way I see, we only use terms as 'autism' or other "pathologies" to specify the way certain usual characteristics manifest in some individuals. Some people are not in the spectrum and have a lot in common with some that are when it comes to starting new relationships, for example. So yeah, I'm no longer working with the autism spectrum as a 'whole' so to speak, but with a small part that is somehow part of it, that is intimate relationships."

The guy seemed satisfied with the answer and sat back on his sit. Ali was already amazed by Ashlyn before, but watching her talk about the things she was interested in with her students had Ali mesmerized.

A few other rounds of questions went on and it seemed that the students were having fun. She spoke about some other topics that they were interested, always being patient to discuss with them. Ashlyn announced that she would only take one more question and asked the students to raise their hands again. She picked a guy from the left side of the auditorium.

"I saw that you did volunteer work in a hospital during your time in Harvard. Can you talk a bit about your experience there?"

"Sure! Well, when you work in a hospital, you usually take emergency cases, meaning that I worked with patients that were usually having panic attacks or hallucinations, or patients with schizophrenia, during this moment you have to help bring them back to reality, talk to them to understand what's frightening them. It's scary and hard, especially dealing with schizophrenia. Some patients had no sense of reality at all, they didn't trust us." She took a sip of water "We also took a lot of victims of sexual abuse. The critical point here is that they usually don't wanna talk, you have to show them that they can trust you and, more importantly, that you'll believe them." Ashlyn was hyper-aware that Ali was in the room, sitting in the back.

"Oh, can I add a second question? It's kind of on this topic" the student requested.

"Sure, go ahead," Ashlyn said.

"Which advice would you give deal with victims of sexual abuse?"

"Well, depends on what kind of relationship you share with them: if it's your friend, partner or patient. In all of this cases, I believe that the keyword is to listen, to create a safe space in which they feel safe to be vulnerable. With my patients, I usually talk to them about how what happened wasn't their fault, that they didn't deserve this and mostly that it doesn't define them. With friends. I give them time to work through their emotions, always letting them know that I'm here whenever they want to talk about it. It's a trauma, and usually, the result of traumatic experiences is fear. The brain has mechanisms to protect you from what it believes will hurt you, and trauma affects this mechanism. The brain turns into an overly protective mother and starts overreacting to everything that reminds it of the trauma. This is completely unconscious, obviously. Anyway, it's hard, but understanding them and showing support and being someone they can trust, for me, the best course of action." Ashlyn said with certain finality.

"But when it comes to sex, how can you make them be open to it again?" the student added.

"Ok first, you shouldn't make anyone do anything, ever. If you're talking about a partner, first you have to accept that maybe they will never wanna have sex, ever. Some people that weren't victims of any kind of sexual abuse don't want to have sex either, so that isn't necessarily a result of trauma. Second, if the person says that they want to, but are afraid, you have to work with them to create this space of trust and safety, where they feel safe to be vulnerable. What I think is important is to remember that sex is not using someone's body to feel pleasure, the goal should always be achieving mutual pleasure. You gotta understand that someone touched them exclusively to use them, and this is hurtful in many scales. I've never been abused so I can talk on the behalf of survivors, so I can't tell you what they need to feel safe. Each individual is unique and will need different things, so as I said before, help them feel safe, give them reasons to trust you, make yourself available, always respect their limits, don't force them to do anything, let them speak and listen to what they have to say. More importantly, your goal should never be sex, but to share a healthy relationship based on these things I just said. Their well-being should be your goal, as a friend, therapist or partner." said Ashlyn calmly.

"I see, thank you, Harris." The student said as he sat back on his chair, taking notes.

 

"Ok, I think we're done here. If you have any more questions, my inbox is open so feel free to send me an email, and you can always try knocking on my door! We had some really good questions, you'll probably get an email about the next talk in a couple of days. Anyway, guys, I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I need, so I'll see you next time! Now go enjoy your Friday!" Ashlyn ended the session. The students around the auditorium started to gather their things and get ready to leave, talking to each other, and suddenly the sound around the room was buzzing again.  
Ali couldn't take her eyes off Ashlyn. Everything she said resonated on Ali, and all she could think was "Ashlyn knows". Suddenly she understood why she felt so safe around Ashlyn, it's because she truly was. Ashlyn understood her, she cared about her, and would always respect her. They haven't been friends for long, but she already showed Ali what kind of person she was.

Some students gathered around Ashlyn up in the stage, and Ali watched as she patiently talked to them. She seemed to be answering some questions but was definitely having fun, as she laughed a few times, throwing her head back a bit. She couldn't help but smile watching the little interaction. The students started their way back to the sits to get their things, saying goodbye to the researcher. Ashlyn scanned the room looking for Ali and smiled when their eyes met. She got her bag from the chair and made her way up to the back of the room.

"Hi, there! Are you bored?" she said as she got closer to Ali.

"Hi! definitely not bored. That was awesome, you're really smart and the students seem to admire you a lot." Ali said reaching for a hug. Ashlyn wrapped her arms around Ali's shoulders let the girl rest her head against her chest.

"I'm just a good actress." Ashlyn joked. "Do you wanna get going?" She said losing her arms a bit. She still had Ali in a tight embrace, but now the smaller girl could see her face in case she bent back a little.

"Sure, is it already open?" Ali said, raising her head so she could see Ashlyn's face. She became aware of how close their faces were, she could feel Ashlyn's breath on her.

"Yeah, as I said, it's more like a cafe than a bar, then just serve alcoholic beverages as well."

"Ok, so we should definitely get going, my car isn't far from here," Ali said leaving Ashlyn's arms, she noticed a few students were staring at them.

 

_________________________________________________________________________

The bar wasn't far from Columbia, just about 15 minutes following Ashlyn's directions. Ali immediately relaxed when she noticed that they were heading to a women-only bar.

"Are you taking me to a lesbian bar?" She said as they walked down the street towards the entrance.

"Yeah, does it bother you?" Ashlyn said opening the door to Ali. There wasn't any evidence, but Ali wondered if Ashlyn picked a place they wouldn't have men because she saw the way Ali reacted to the guy who touched her the last time.

When Ashlyn opened the door, a few things stuck with her: First, it wasn't full. It wasn't empty either, but it was definitely not crowded. Second: It was really friendly, the lights were on, but not too bright, there was a lot of seats. mostly were puffs but there was some that were organized like bleachers. The music wasn't loud, in fact, people could easily talk over it. Ali realized that Ashlyn probably had thought about all these details, she was trying to create a safe space for her.

"How do you feel about it?" Ashlyn asked her when they entered.

"Good, it's cozy," Ali said smiling at her.

"How do you feel about taking some beers first then getting sits?"

"I'm in!"

 

Getting the drinks was easy, there were 3 bartenders and not many people customers. Ali noticed that most clients were already sitting down around the little stage where she assumed the performances were going to happen. It was lighted by little Christmas lights, which Ali loved because it was the visual definition of Pinterest.

With their beers in hand, they opted for sitting one in front of the other in the bleachers. Ashlyn sat on the higher sit, and Ali sat right in front of her, resting her back on Ashlyn's chest, who immediately rest her arms on Ali's shoulders. The height difference between the sits wasn't big, just enough to let Ashlyn see over Ali's head. She inclined a bit forward so she could whisper on Ali's ear moments before the performances started.

"I'm really glad you came with me"

Ali turned her head so her lips were close to Ashlyn's cheek.

"Me too"

The presentations started with a girl singing acoustic songs she wrote, all of them very romantic. The next one was by a couple that played a scene of play they wrote together that made the whole audience laugh.

Ali was so entertained that she melted into Ashlyn, resting the back of her head on the girl's shoulder. She only noticed their new positioning when Ashlyn made a comment about the fourth girl, who was doing a standup comedy. She paid attention to Ashlyn's hands, that were constantly ghosting over her own hands as if Ashlyn was trying to decide on lacing their hands together or not.

Ali made the decision for her, lacing their right hands together and pulling them to rest on her lap.

After a few more performances, a petite girl got up on stage.

"My name is Laura, and I'll start being addressing the elephant in the room: Yes, I have an accent. Yes, I'm an immigrant. I'm from Portugal and decided to read a poem from a Brazilian poet that I love. I opted to read in Portuguese because translating meat losing the sonority, I can tell you that it's about love, and it's called 'My destiny, by Cora Coralina"

 

"I totally understand her choice to not translate, but I'm bummed I won't understand a thing" Ali whispered to Ashlyn.

"Oh, it's your lucky day because I speak Portuguese" Ashlyn gave her a wink.

When the girl started reading the poem, Ashlyn brought her lips closer to Ali's ear to translate.

 

 _"Nas palmas de tuas mãos..."_ // "On the palms of your hands"

 _"Leio as Linhas da Minha Vida"_ // "I read the lines of my life"

 _"Linhas cruzadas, sinuosas"_ // "Crossed lines, winding"

 _"Interferindo no teu destino."_ // "interfering on your destiny"

 _"Não te procurei, não me procurastes-"_ // "I didn't look for you, you didn't look for me"

 _"Íamos sozinhos por estradas differences"_ // "We were going through different roads."

 _"Indiferentes, cruzamos"_ // "Indifferent, we crossed each other"

" _Passavas com Fardo da Vida"_

Ashlyn took a little longer to translate that phrase.

"I'm not sure how to translate this, but basically it says that the other had a lot of burden on their shoulders"

" _Corri ao teu encontro"_ // "I ran to meet you"

" _Sorri. Falamos."_ // "I smiled. We talked."

 _"Esse dia foi marcado"_ // "This day was marked."

 _"_ com a _pedra branca"_ // "With a white stone"

 _"da cabeça de um_ peixe _"_ // "from a fish's head"

 _"E, desde então, caminhamos"_ // "And, since then, we walked"

 _"Juntos pela Vida..."_ // "together through life"

 

While everyone else on the room was applauding, Ali only had eyes to Ashlyn. By some point during the poem, she had turned her head to watch the girl trying to find the best words to use. She watched as her lips turned into a small smile that got a little bigger with every word the recited. Ali couldn't not-kiss Ashlyn anymore, not after watching her lips for so long, saying so many beautiful things.

She placed her hand on Ashlyn's jaw, pulling her face in her direction. Ashlyn looked into her eyes, already knowing what she wanted but still looking for signs of reassurance. She didn't have time to ask Ali if she was sure before their lips were connected.

During the whole time their lips stayed softly pressed together, Ali felt like all the burden she carried on her shoulders was lifted. She didn't dare to move, not even her lips. She didn't want to deepen it, she just wanted to stay exactly like that, at that exact moment, just a little longer.

Ashlyn wanted to let her have all control, from taking the initiative to start and to finish, but she had to feel a little bit more of Ali, so she moved her free hand to the back of the girl's neck, trying to pull her closer as if it was physically possible. She felt Ali's hand drop from her jaw to her neck, her thumb drawing circles on the skin behind Ashlyn's ear.

Ali finally pulled back, she kept her eyes closed for a few more seconds. When she finally opened them, she found Ashlyn smiling at her.

"You know what? I think she was right about the poem, it sounds better in Portuguese." Ali said.

"Is that so?" Ashlyn said laughing and tucking some strands of hair behind Ali's ear.

"Yes, what she doesn't know is that it sounds even better in your voice," Ali said before leaning forward to capture Ashlyn's lips again.


	8. Courage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small chapter but it's a really important one.

When the presentations were over, Ashlyn and Ali were more than ready to go home. They decided to grab one more drink then head to Ali’s apartment and order a pizza there for dinner.  
A wave of warmth washed over her body when, as soon as they stood up from their sits, Ashlyn reached for her hand. She laced their fingers together and smiled when Ali gave it a reassuring squeeze. That's when a blonde girl approached them.

"Hey, Ashlyn! It's been a while since I last saw you here!" the girl said. 

"Hey Natalie, how are things with you?" 

"They're good, Perry and I started the process for adoption!" 

"Oh, that's awesome! I'm so happy for you guys" Ashlyn said honestly. "Oh! how rude of me, this is Ali, Als, this is Natalie, an old friend of mine," she said introducing them. 

"Nice to meet you," Ali said. 

"Likewise. So, listen, Ash, I'm sorry about how things went with Steph, I had no idea about what was going on. You've always been my favorite couple! maybe you'll work it out in the future? I'm still cheering for you" Natalie said, making Ashlyn uncomfortable. She was holding hands with Ali, the last thing she wanted to think about was her late relationship.

"I can't say the same, but it's fine, it was for the best. She's happy and in a new relationship. And I'm probably happier now than I was for the last 5 years so..." Ashlyn said glancing over Ali, that could only smile at that last phrase. 

"I'm glad, Ash. You deserve to be happy"

"I think so too. Anyway, we were already leaving..." Ashlyn said trying to get them out of this situation. 

"Oh sure, ok! Nice to meet you, Ali. Ashlyn, it's always a pleasure"

They left the bar in silence. Ashlyn was still feeling uncomfortable with that little interaction. She didn't want to pretend that her relationship with Steph never happened, but she didn't want people constantly reminding her about it and more importantly: she didn't want people to bring it up while she was holding hands with Ali. 

"She seems nice," Ali said breaking the silence. 

"She is! I'm happy for them, they tried IVF a few times and just couldn't get pregnant. I happy they're considering adoption" Ashlyn said honestly. 

"That's really good for them." Ali held tighter to Ashlyn's hand. "Do you want kids?" 

"Yeah, I always wanted. That's actually one of the things that always made me feel like Steph and I wouldn't work out: she didn't want them" Ashlyn said looking straight ahead. "by the way I'm sorry Natalie said those things about Steph and me, I thought she was kind of rude to you." Ashlyn said, visibly still feeling bad.

"Don't worry about it, Ash! She was kind of rude, yes. But you need more to really get to me" 

"I know but it's super rude to say that you're cheering for a past relationship of mine right in front of someone I'm dating"

"Oh, so we're dating now?" Ali said in mock surprise

"Oh I.. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!" Ashlyn said, but soon realized what Ali was doing "I guess we are? If you don't want to it's completely fine but-"

"I want to, Ash," Ali said squeezing Ashlyn's hand a little harder, making her heart beat a little faster. 

"I'm glad to hear that, otherwise, I'd be super embarrassed," Ashlyn said making Ali laugh.

"That would've been awkward but lucky for you I can't resist this dimple"

"It is pretty cute, isn't it? I mean, I'm pretty cute overall but the dimple has a charm of its own"

"Oh yeah, I don't know what's more irresistible: the dimple or the humbleness" Ali deadpanned.

"Probably the dimple" Ashlyn said giving her a big smile that she knew would put her dimple in full display. 

"You know what? I'm not even making a comeback, I love it" Ali said getting on the tip of her toes to give the single dimple a kiss. "By the way, do you wanna sleep over? I did some research and found some brunch place we could try out tomorrow" 

"I do but just because there's food involved," 

"I hope you enjoy sleeping on the couch," Ali said releasing Ashlyn's hand, making the therapist laugh and take her hand back.

They continued their usual banter all the way over Ali's apartment, only stopping to steal kisses everyone in a while. 

Ali was feeling giddy, but the minute they were past the threshold, she was all over Ashlyn. She kissed her fiercely, with the intent of satiating the need of the taller girl's touch. Ashlyn was a bit surprised at first but was quick to respond to the advances in equal intensity. 

"Someone is in a bit of a hurry hun?" Ashlyn joked. 

"Ok so you have two options: you either stop talking or we're stopping right now and going straight to bed to sleep, I'm not even ordering the pizza," Ali said completely stopping her advances.

"All of a sudden I lost the ability to talk," Ashlyn said and captured Ali's lips again, who put her hands on the back of the taller girl's neck.

Ali guided them to the couch, laying with her back against the back of the couch, leaving the edge for Ashlyn. They were kissing with such passion that Ashlyn was having a hard time not letting her hands wander, not letting the little moans escaping Ali's mouth fuel her desires. 

Ali was enjoying it, her consciousness completely lost with the warmth emanating from the therapist's body. She wasn't thinking, just feeling, feeling the softness of Ashlyn's lips, of her hands on her back, on her neck, on her cheeks. Ali wasn't sure of what she was doing, her body was automatic. She stopped kissing Ashlyn and guided her head to her neck, indicating what she wanted. The moment she felt Ash's lips on her neck, her entire body exploded, the sensations becoming almost too much for her to handle. 

Ashlyn went back to kissing her mouth, not being able to remember the last time she felt so worked up, that was until she felt Ali's body freeze, her lips stopping their coordinated movements abruptly. Ashlyn opened her eyes to look for some reason and found Ali's eyes shut. She looked down and realized her hands were dangerously low on Ali's waist. 

Ali was happy with how things were going, she had started the night hoping for a kiss but was surprised with how her body was responding to the very hot makeout session they were having. 

But what she feared the most happened. A sudden familiar pressure on her waist transported her back to that night many years ago. The soft hands became hard and violent. the touch, more aggressive. The softness and comfort of the couch were replaced by the hardness and coldness of that wall. The whole atmosphere of safety that Ashlyn's had so carefully created was destroyed by the vivid memory of that night. 

She felt her body freezing, her muscles contracting and a battle broke on her mind. She missed the moment and didn't want it to end, but the darkness inside her was too strong for her to handle it. 

All the moments she lost, all the relationships she ran away from, all the desires for intimacy that she had but wasn't physically able to fulfill, that's what Ali was thinking about. She wanted to be loved, she wanted to be vulnerable, she wanted to give herself fully to someone that deserved her, someone like Ashlyn. 

It's been 9 fucking years for god's sake, Ali thought, that asshole couldn't have any more power over her life anymore. 

Her eyes were shut tight. She knew there were some tears gathered on them. After being stuck on her own mind for so long, she didn't know how to find her way back to reality, to leave this dark place behind. 

She heard a voice, someone calling her name, telling her that she was safe, that she could open her eyes, but her brain was telling her to keep them tight, it's not safe and this voice only wants to hurt her again. 

But the voice was soft, calm, nothing like the one that so violently pressed her against a wall. No, this voice was asking, to demanding, not forcing her, not taking against her will. It was full of love and affection. Deep down, she knew it was Ashlyn, who just wanted to be there for her, to keep her safe. 

She remembers parts of the talk she watched earlier, Ashlyn telling her students to work with their patients, to create a safe space with them, to be there and to listen to their friends and to work towards the ultimate goal of sharing a healthy relationship, to not use them for pleasure but to achieve mutual pleasure with them. 

Ali had to work with her.  
She had to tell her, so they could get to their safe space together. 

Because it didn't matter how hard she tried, Ashlyn couldn't to it all alone. If she wanted to have any kind of relationship between them, Ali had to trust her. 

She ignored her brain and opened her eyes, finding Ashlyn's beautiful ones looking at her, filled with concern. She didn't see Ali was the constant burden she was caring, but as a human being that deserved love and comprehension.

Ali gathered all the courage she had inside and finally, after almost a decade letting it consume her light, she put the truth out there.

"Ashlyn, I was raped."


	9. Close Relationships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Description of Rape.

She looked for any change of expression on Ashlyn's face, but there weren't any, she was still looking at her with love and affection, giving her the time and space to talk. 

Ali took a deep breath, gathering all her forces. She remembered her recent realization: no matter what, Ashlyn would be there for her.

"I started thinking about my sexuality when I got to college. I never liked boys but thought that maybe I should try at least kissing one, just because that's what all my friends were doing. I kissed a few here and there at parties, but that was it. When I first kissed a girl, my brain expanded to a whole new length. I got involved with this international student, and when she went back to Spain I was devastated. I decided to try boys again and accepted an invitation from a guy to go on a date, we had a class together and he seemed nice." Ali took a deep breath to continue. She couldn't look at Ashlyn in the eyes, so kept staring at her hands. "After a few dates, I knew boys weren't for me. We didn't kiss or anything, but I didn't want to. He was nice and kind of cute, nothing wrong with him except that he was a guy. So I told him I thought I was a lesbian and we ended things in a friendly way, or so I thought." 

Ali couldn't hold the tears on her eyes anymore, and let them fall freely. "A few weeks later I went to a bar with some friends. The guy was there, and we talked for a while. A few beers later I was ready to leave and he offered to go with me. I never thought any of it, I swear" The smaller girl was full on crying now, and Ashlyn cursed her useless diploma that didn't prepare her for a situation like this. She didn't want to treat Ali as a patient but also didn't know if she could treat her as a partner. She wanted to hug her and find a way to physically comfort her but knew that this could trigger her even more. 

"I don't remember much clearly, but I remember being pushed on an ally and his hands all over me, Ash. I tried to resist but he had a fucking pocket knife and he'd cut the skin on my belly every time and tried to push him. He used it to rip my panties and I just couldn't do anything!" She was sobbing so hard that Ashyn couldn't resist anymore, she pulled the girl into her chest, immediately finding out it was the right thing to do because Ali just held her tighter. 

"He kept smashing my head against the wall, and when he was done he threw me at the ground, kicked my side and left. It took me a while to come back to my senses, and I don't remember much but I ended up on a hospital close by. I got around 15 stitches on my belly and 6… down there. I had a broken rib, a small laceration on my hairline and a concussion." Ashlyn was crying now.

"I'm damaged, Ashlyn"

"No, Al, that's not true"

"It is, but I swear I never asked for it. I didn't want to do it, I just wanted to go home" 

"I believe you, babe, I believe you" 

Ali was shaking uncontrollably. 

"Ali, let's go to your bed" Ashlyn carefully took the girl into her arms and walked them to the bedroom. She was crying, hard. Truth to be told, she always had a guess on what had happened to Ali but hearing her say it was unbearable. She couldn't believe someone could do this, could hurt someone like this. 

She layed Ali on her "usual" side of the bed. 

They stayed there for a while, crying together. Ashlyn was massaging Ali's back while the girl curled up into her chest. She started gently playing with her hair when Ali mumbled something against her chest.

"You knew it, didn't you?"

"Hm?"

"you had a guess at least, right?"

"Honestly? Yeah. But I wanted you to trust me enough to tell me"

"I never told anyone besides my mom and brother… and now you"

Ashlyn tried to pull her closer as if it was possible. She couldn't imagine how hard these years must have been to Ali, to carry this secret every day, to have these memories hunting her. 

"Listen, I know this is not what you signed up for so if you wanna leave-" Ali said raising her head a bit. 

"I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm not leaving, I signed up for you, Als. For your wicked sense of humor and stupid therapist jokes, your kindness, beautiful eyes, nose crinkling smile, and your intelligence. I won't say that this doesn't matter because it obviously does, but just because I wanna make you feel safe and happy. We're together, ok?"

"Ashlyn, I'm not like… partner material." 

"What makes you say that?"

"Well first of, my only sexual experience was when I was raped." 

"Ok first: Abuse is not sex, it's violence. Sex is so many things and sometimes it's violent but not violence. But to answer you: sexual experiences aren't what defines wheater you're 'partner material' or not. I like you, Ali, and I'll be here for as long as you want me" 

Ali rested her head back on Ashlyn's chest. The taller girl could tell that she was getting ready to say something. 

"You said that it's normal for some victims to never have sex… I want to" 

That's definitely not what Ashlyn was expecting her to say. 

"I mean, not now. But someday. I still have desires, it's just that my body doesn't respond well to touch but I really want to." Ali said, unable to look Ashlyn in the eye. She didn't expect to have this conversation today but she figured she had already shared so much, she could cross that item as well. 

"Ok, we can work on that," Ashlyn said, realizing the phrasing wasn't the best. "You know what I meant" she completed, embarrassed. 

"I do!" Ali was laughing a bit. Ashlyn was glad she could make the girl laugh after the conversation they just had. 

"But if we're going to work on that I should warn you that I have some scars on my belly and some.. well, down there" 

"Are you still trying to convince me you're not good enough?" Ashlyn said running her hands over Ali's back. 

"No, I mean… kind of. But I really want to show you." 

"Show me then" 

Ali got off the bed quickly and locked herself in the bathroom, leaving a very confused Ashlyn still in bed. She decided to go with it and sat by the edge of the bed, waiting for Ali to come back. 

Meanwhile, the lawyer was taking her shirt off. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, analyzing the thin lines on her lower abdomen. They had gotten whiter over the years, like stretch marks, but were still very visible. 

When went back to the bedroom, wearing her pants and bra. She stood in front of Ashlyn, who didn't dare to look at anything other than her face. After everything that happened that night, the last thing she wanted was to make Ali uncomfortable even in the slightest. 

"You can look, Ash"

Ashlyn dropped her eyes to her abdomen. She saw 5 long scares, all of them in different heights and angles. She had dealt with scares before: from accidents, self-harm, surgeries, most of her patients had them, but she had never seen ones like Ali's. It was clear that they were made with the sole purpose of hurting her. 

"I have another one, on the-" she cleared her through "on the lips" Ashlyn looked up at her.

"Ali, you're beautiful" There was so much truth in her voice and look and Ali couldn't help but cry again. She looked up at the ceiling, trying to control her emotions a bit. 

"I don't feel beautiful, I feel broken. I've been used thrown to the garbage. I'm not shiny or new, I'm damaged, I feel damaged, Ash. You won't get fooling around anywhere or sexy adventures, I'll probably freeze every time you touch me a little below my waist. I'm might freeze if we're out and there are too many people around me. I guess what I'm trying to say is: If you wanna be with me, don't get high expectations." 

Ashlyn felt her heart breaking for the girl. From what she could tell, Ali wasn't used to letting people in. 

"Als I-"

"Just let me finish saying this: I really want to keep seeing you, I think you're smart and cute and we have fun together. But I'll understand if you say that this is too much for you, I know I'm too much" 

Ashlyn took a second to gather her thoughts. She wanted to answer Ali the best way possible. 

"Listen, can I touch your scars?" 

"Uh, yeah I guess" Ali was a little confused. 

Ashlyn ran her hands over each scar, softly. She traced them with her fingers, paying close attention to the way Ali's body was reacting. 

"Ali, let me like you. I wanna be with you, I wanna get to know you better, I wanna find out more about the things that you enjoy, the things that make you laugh. Let me stay, because I want to." 

Ali looked down at her. This woman, this beautiful and talented woman, who had recently been through a betrayal, was willing to be with her. A small part of her brain told her to not trust her because everyone wanted to use and hurt her, but that part wasn't going to have an impact on her life and her decisions anymore. She wanted Ashlyn, she wanted to tell her about her life, her interests, her goals. 

"Ok," She said with a certain sense of finality. 

"OK?" Ashlyn said chuckling. 

"Yeah, ok. Can we have some pizza now? I'm starving." 

"Anything you want, Als. Let's just change into some more comfortable clothes, can I borrow some from you?" 

"Yep, all I want is some comfortable clothes, pizza and season two of Nailed It" 

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

They changed, ordered pizza and ate it while watching Netflix. Ali rested her head on Ashlyn's shoulder and eventually fell asleep, the emotional tiredness finally catching up to her. Ashlyn moved them back to bed, debating whether she should cuddle with the girl or not. As if she could read minds, Ali raised her head from the pillow to see her better and said

"Hey, can you hold me?" 

"I'd love to" 

She closed the space between them and played with her hair, the way she was starting to learn Ali loved. She watched as the girl fell back to sleep.

"I'm so sorry about what happened to you, you definitely didn't deserve this. But you're not damaged, you're a survivor. You deserve better and I really wanna make you happy. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I want to try this and find out" 

She didn't think Ali was listening but she wanted to say this. Suddenly, she felt Ali raise her head again.

"Hey, would you say we're in a… CLOSE RELATIONSHIP?" She said groggily and already smirking. 

"HA! You're stupid. But as a specialist, I'd say yes, Als" Ashlyn said laughing a bit. 

"Good, because I like being close to you," Ali said snuggling closer to the therapist.

"Me too, Als. Me too"


	10. Chapter Ten: The Big T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not an easy chapter to write, but I'm proud of it. Hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> We're now ready to move on and start developing more their relationship.
> 
> Anyway, be nice :)

Chapter Ten: The Big T 

Ashlyn woke up before Ali and took the opportunity to watch Ali's face while she slept. After the night they just had, Ashlyn couldn't imagine how tired the girl must have felt. They knew each other for just a few weeks and Ali had already shared so much with her, she had patients that hadn't accomplished this much after over 4 years of therapy. She understood that each person had their own time and shouldn't be compared to others, but still: the effort Ali made last night was gigantic. 

What she noticed about Ali's sleep is that it seemed restless. She kept making small movements, like spams. The corner of her mouth seemed to twitch every now and then like she was uncomfortable. Ashlyn wondered if she was having a nightmare. 

Keeping her left arm around Ali, she took her phone from the nightstand and started looking for ideas for what she and Ali could do after their brunch. She wanted to keep things light and fun, to show Ali that she was going to stay, no matter what had happened to her in the past. 

Ali had her arm wrapped over Ashlyn's stomach, and after some time the therapist felt the girl hugging her tighter. She gently squeezed her shoulder, trying to give the sleeping girl some kind of reassurance. She felt Ali starting to fuzz, indicating that she was about to wake up. Ashlyn waited patiently for her to open her eyes. 

"I honestly thought you'd leave during the night," Ali said still resting her head on Ashlyn's shoulder. 

"I told you I'm staying. How was your night? Did you have a bad dream?" Ashlyn said turning a bit so she could see the girl's face better. 

"Yeah, how could you tell?" 

"You moved a lot. How was it?" 

"Well, you left," Ali told her, not wanting to get too much into the dream. She had felt a wave of relief taking over her body when she felt Ashlyn still there in bed with her, after dreaming that the girl had made fun of her after her confession and left. 

"It was just a bad dream. I'm right here and I'll only leave if you want me too" Ashlyn reassured her. 

"Well, If you're staying forever I might as well feed you, right?" Ali said moving to sit on the bed. 

"I wasn't going to say anything but I'm really hungry and I remembered being promised a brunch date" Ashlyn chuckled. 

"Let's go have brunch then!" Ali said leaning for a kiss, to which Ashlyn reciprocated. 

"Morning, Als" Ashlyn said smiling. 

"Morning, I'm gonna brush my teeth because you do not deserve my morning breath," Ali said making Ash laugh loud. 

_________________________________________________________________________

They left the apartment about half an hour later and went to the brunch place Ali had read about. It was called Maison Kayser, and just by hearing the name Ashlyn could already tell it was probably the fanciest place she would ever have been. 

After arriving, she already knew she wasn't wrong. The whole menu was mostly in French and she had no idea what to order. 

Ashlyn was watching Ali going on and on about the different kind of fermentation they used to make bread with the waiter. They were sitting in a table for two and had just ordered their drinks before Ali began inquiring the poor waiter. 

"Anyway, I'll have the croque-madame please," Ali said closing her menu and smiling. 

Ashlyn was so caught up in look at Ali that she didn't even notice the waiter waiting for her order. It took her a full 5 seconds and, to be honest, she had given up on choosing a long time ago. 

"Hm, I'll have what she's having," Ashlyn said a little embarrassed, making Ali giggle while the waiter left. 

"Do you even know what you just ordered?" Ali was smiling adoringly. 

"haha, no! Does it have any milk derivatives?" 

"Yeah, like a lot of cheese! Are you intolerant? You should change your order!"

"I am! I'm gonna be honest: I didn't understand most of the menu so I have no idea what I should order. Help me out here?" She was already calling the waiter over. 

"Of course, Ash! Do you like salmon?" Ali was looking over the menu. 

"I love it!"

"You should try the Salmon Fume then! It's smoked salmon, and there's no cheese" 

She ordered her new dish while Ali was making fun of her. 

"Ok, so lactose intolerant. What else I don't know about you?" Ali asked after the waiter left. 

"Let me think… oh, I'm color blind." 

"WHAT? I didn't know it was possible for women to be color blind!" Ali said looking stunned. 

"haha yeah! It's just very unlikely. I'm color blind for red and green" 

"Wow, that's quite the fun fact," Ali said taking a sip of her coffee "What else?" Ashlyn was amused by the girl's enthusiasm with learning more about her. 

"Well, my favorite book is 'Catcher in the rye, my favorite movie is- this is hard because it used to be 'Annie Hall' but I'm boycotting Woody Allen after those sexual-harassment accusations so I have to say 'Frances Ha'. I don't have a favorite band BUT I absolutely love one called 'The paper kites'-"

"OH, I LOVE THEM TOO!" 

"They're great, right?! Anyway, I also know how to solve the Rubik's Cube in usually less than 10 seconds" 

"WHAT? Ten seconds? That's bullshit!" 

"It isn't! I can show you someday" Ashlyn takes a sip of her coffee. "Your turn" 

"Hm, following your topics: Choosing a favorite book is always hard but I absolutely love 'Mrs. Dalloway', 'Missoula' and 'Fried Green Tomatoes'. My favorite movie is probably 'Amélie'. I absolutely love this band called LANY and I don't have special talents but I love to cook" 

"And all this time I'm the one who has been cooking for us?!" Ashlyn says pretended to be offended. 

"You cooked for us ONCE! And it's not like I had a chance yet." 

"Any chances our next date is a dinner made by you?" 

"Ok FIRST: What makes you think there is a 'next date'?" 

"I feel like there is..." Ashlyn says shrugging her shoulders. "Second…?" 

"Are you allergic to anything besides milk derivates?" 

"Haha, no! But I don't really enjoy eating meat. Some kinds of fish, yes. But not meat." 

"Ok so that rules out barbecue, smoked ribs, steak… well, everything" Ali joked.

"Hey, it's not like that! We can have past, eggs, vegetables, salad, all kinds of dessert..." Ashlyn playfully enumerated.

"All the boring food then, great!" Ali replied still joking while the waiter brought their food. After he left, Ashlyn went right back into it:

"I'm gonna peacefully enjoy my meal and then I'll walk back to your apartment and ignore you for the rest of the day."

"I highly doubt it," Ali said smirking and taking a bit of her food. 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

"So, do you have any plans for today?" Ashlyn said taking her jacket off right after they arrived at Ali's apartment.

"Oh, you decided to stop ignoring me because I'm oh-so-cute?" Ashlyn had spent the rest of brunch pretending to ignore Ali, who insisted on making stupid questions trying to make her talk. 

"You're definitely cute but the main problem is that I already told my friends that I'm spending the weekend with you so I either go home and do nothing or I endure the torture that is being in your presence," Ashlyn said plopping down on the couch. "Oh wait, actually, doing nothing doesn't sound so bad after all" 

"Ashlyn..." Ali said giving her an eye-roll. 

"I'm joking. It's my coping mechanism to deal with the nervousness I feel when I'm around pretty girls." She joked. 

"Ok 12-year-old boy that followed me home, I have no plans. What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna go to Coney Island." 

"To the theme park? You really are a 12-year-old boy!" Ali laughed. 

"OK I'M GONNA FIND ANOTHER CUTE GIRL TO SHARE COTTOM CANDY WITH AT CONEY ISLAND," Ashlyn said getting off the couch. 

"Hey, I'm the pretty girl you're sharing anything today," Ali said pulling her back. 

"Ok" 

"I love that you actually think I'm cute"

"I wouldn't be kissing you if I didn't find you cute"

"You're not kissing me now," Ali said while biting her lower lip. 

Ashlyn leaned forward and captured her lips, pulling Ali closer to her. They were innocently kissing until Ali moved, straddling Ashlyn's lap. Ashlyn immediately moved her hands to Ali's back, positioning them on her waist but hight enough the girl wouldn't freeze. They kissed for a while, Ashlyn completely lost track of time, only stopping when Ali broke the kiss. She couldn't remember the last time she kissed someone and it gave her that tingling feeling on her lips, but just looking at Ali this morning going on and on about bread gave her a tingling in her stomach. She knew exactly what she was signing up for by deciding to pursue a relationship with Ali, and she was 100% sure of her decision. If anything, Ali would be a great friend and if she could help the girl feel more comfortable with her body, that would be enough to make her happy. 

 

"So… Coney Island?" Ali asked running her fingers through Ashlyn's hair.

"Yep!" 

"Two things: Will you win me a teddy bear and can we kiss on the Ferris wheel?" 

"Yes," Ashlyn said leaning in for another kiss. 

_________________________________________________________________________

Ali was not expecting to have this much fun. She never enjoyed going to theme parks, not even when she was little, never being able to relax to a point at which the silliness was entertaining to her. But with Ashlyn was different. They went to every single attraction, she even managed to convince Ali on riding the roller coaster (even though Ali kept her eyes shut and held her biceps like her life anchored on it). Ashlyn's wasn't able to get her the teddy bear she wanted but the little-stuffed penguin she did manage to win was more than enough. 

She had fun, Ashlyn's company was calming and a source of comfort for her all the time. She didn't get nervous, not even for a second. They were sitting on a bench, Ali's penguin sitting between them while they shared a sorbet talking about the highlights of the day.

 

"You know, I never had this much fun at a theme park before," Ali said taking a spoonful. 

"What? Have you ever been to Disneyland?" 

"Yep, but I've always been this anxious. If there's a lot of people, lot of sounds, thousands of catastrophic possibilities as the cart going off-track in a roller-coaster, I get anxious" 

"I'm sorry, Als. You should have told me this before, I would have taken us to see a movie or something else" 

"But that's the thing! I had a lot of fun, you relax me. I don't know, it's as if I know nothing bad is going to happen because you're here." 

Ali wasn't used to opening up, not even before her assault. First of: she never had romantic feelings for someone that needed to be shared. But she also had a hard time telling people that she was uncomfortable or that they had hurt her feelings. Friends, teachers, her mother, her brother, it didn't matter. She mostly just kept things for herself and tried to deal with their consequences on her own. 

But Ashlyn was this calming figure that was always silently reassuring her that everything was going to be fine. She couldn't quite put a finger on it, but there was something about Ashlyn that just emanated peace, and Ali needed peace. 

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. Nothing will happen, have you seen my arms? If anything you have a bodyguard now" Ashlyn joked, rolling her sleeves up and pretending to flex her arms.

"Ugh, I wanted to make fun of you but you're right, those arms are killing me." 

"That's so not the goal, I need you very alive! You still have to cook for me" 

"Oh, so the only reason you want me to live is to get free food?" 

"Maybe… Just kidding but really, if you give me the honor of tasting something prepared by you, I'd be happy to at least buy the ingredients" Ashyn said seriously. 

"Such a gentlewoman. I think a dinner can be arranged." 

They fall into a peaceful silence. Ali watches as Ashlyn tries to get all the remaining sorbet on the cup, which proves to be such a hard task that she even has the tip of her tongue peeking out of her mouth, deep in concentration. When she finally achieves her goal, she offers the spoon to Ali, who gladly accepts. 

"I know it's too early to say anything about our status and please don't think I'm trying to pressure you in any way, but I never thought someone like you would be interested in me, especially after finding out about my past" Ali confessed again. 

"I don't see any reason not be interested in you. Besides, what do you mean with 'someone like me'?"

"You know what I mean. I'm difficult and you're like… not broken"   
"You're not difficult, Als. You went through something traumatic and deserve understanding. It might be hard for you to deal with it and come to terms with your past, and it obviously has a lot of influence on how you deal with romantic interests, intimacy and relationships but that doesn't make you any less interesting, smart, funny or beautiful and more importantly: it doesn't make you any less deserving of happiness. I'll tell you this every day if that's what it takes for you to understand: you deserve happiness, you deserve love. And you know, I'm not not-broken." Ashlyn said taking Ali's hand. 

"You seem pretty perfect from where I'm standing" Ali tried to joke.

"Ha! Don't let the dimple fool you, I'm not perfect." She was staring at their laced hands while using her thumb to trace circles on the back of Ali's hand. "I tried to kill myself when I was little"

"Oh." Ali didn't know what to answer, she wasn't expecting that at all.

"Yeah, I had a very troubled childhood. My parents were addicts to like, pretty much everything you can imagine. They were working two jobs, were barely home and pretty much all the money they made was used to provision their addiction. Cocaine, Weed, Heroin, Alcohol, you name it. And they were always fighting, everything was a reason for 3 hours of shouting. They used to beat us - me and my brother - a lot, nothing we did was ever right. If the dishes weren't clean enough, and I swear they were always like shining clean, my father would slap us. So yeah, not a great family to belong to." She took a deep breath and continued. 

"I had just found out about my intolerance to lactose, the doctor told me that I couldn't drink milk ever again because even a glass could kill me. My parents had a parent-teacher meeting at school and they missed it, so the school called them. I was a very good student, despite the mess I was dealing with at home, but apparently, some teacher had sensed that something was off with my mood recently. Anyway, the school called and asked why they didn't attend, my mom was screaming at my father, saying he was useless as a parent, he said he never wanted to be a parent in the first place. She said she didn't want to be a mother either but here they were. You have to understand that I was doing my homework on the kitchen table - which was the only table we had - and this discussion was going on literally beside me, and my father said something about me being a mistake and that he should have used condoms. That night, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking that everything bad happening in their relationship was caused by my birth, even though my brother Chris was older than me, but I couldn't shake this feeling of guilt. So I went to the kitchen, opened the fridge and drank an entire gallon of milk, wishing I'd die as the doctor said. I obviously didn't but had the worst stomachache of my life and had to go to the hospital the other day, which resulted in my mom being even madder at me." 

"So yeah, I'm not perfect. I have traumas, bad memories, and insecurities. I was just lucky that my counselor in school saw that I needed help and offered to pay for my therapy, or that my grandma eventually took me and Chris to live with her, or that whoever is responsible for Harvard's admissions saw in my application someone worthy of a scholarship. I'm just a truly lucky bastard. It took me a long time to see myself as someone that wasn't just a burden to everyone around me or to believe that someone could actually want me in their life. So yeah, I'm not perfect, I just came a long way." 

"I'm lucky to know you." Is all Ali can say.

"And I feel lucky to know you. Unfortunately, you have anxiety and some stupid bastard thought he was entitled to something you didn't want to give him, but neither is your fault or make you any less incredible, ok?"

"I'll say ok now but you know there are high chances you'll have to remind me of all these things, right?" Ali asked already looking apologetic. 

"I know, repeating things to people is kind of what I do for a living. At least you're cute and makes me laugh and kisses me." Ashlyn says leaning for a kiss

"What?! You don't make out with your actual patients?" Ali feigns surprise making Ashlyn laugh before she captures her lips again.

"I really wanna move on from this topic but can I ask you one last thing?" Ashlyn says after some time spent kissing. 

"Sure" 

"What happened to the guy?" 

"I don't know. I mean, he graduated that year and I never heard of him again"

"You didn't press charges?"

"I was a prospective law student, Ash, I knew how these things usually go. I was mostly drunk, he was a white rich dude, Yale Law student, everyone saw me leaving with him willingly, we had 'dated' - if you can call it 'dating'. I mean, it didn't look good for me. I had wounds and was pretty beat up and yeah, clearly had been raped, so I had to talk to the police, but I told them I didn't know who did it. I knew no one was going to believe me if I told the truth." 

"I'm sorry you felt this way, I believe you," Ashlyn said, pulling Ali closer. 

"I know, that's why I let you have the privilege of kissing me and watching me sleep." 

"It definitely feels like a privilege," Ashlyn said kissing the top of Al's head. 

"You say that now because you haven't heard me snoring" 

"Ha! Can't wait tho, can't wait."


	11. Chapter Eleven - I feel it.

It's been three weeks since that weekend in Coney Island and Ali can't feel happier over the development of her relationship with Ashlyn. They text every day, go on coffee dates at least three times a week and Ashlyn had spent the last two weekends at Ali's apartment.

Despite the very intense first weekend, they fall into a comfortable routine without any other 'bumps'. They share kisses every once in a while, never getting too physical, but neither mind it, they both enjoy these intimate moments and Ali feels like Ashlyn doesn't want to rush her into anything, always giving her time and space whenever it seems like she could use some.

It's Thursday and Ali can't handle reading one more page of the document that she found sitting on her desk this morning. It's about a new case, a teenage girl that had been accused of contempt. Apparently, she tried to beat a police officer that was arresting her. Later exams showed that the girl was on drugs. Ali knew the girl was probably guilty, but her job was to understand what had led a 16-years-old girl, who had a house and a family, to a situation like this? She had been living on the streets for almost a month when she got arrested.

She had been reading the gigantic file for almost 4 hours now. The biggest problem she faced in her career was that she constantly got emotionally attached to her 'clients'. She needed a break.

 

**Ali: Would you be up for some lunch? I could use a friend.**

**Pinoe: Sure! Our usual?**

**Ali: Yep. Be there in… 30 minutes?**

**Pinoe: Sure, let me just check something: you know I'm on the other side of town, right?**

**Ali: See you in 30 minutes!**

**Pinoe: It's almost like you want a reason to say I'm always late.**

 

Ali laughs at the text, Pinoe always makes her feel better, even when she's not trying. As she was reading the file since the minute she arrived at the office this morning, there are some other texts that she hasn't replied yet: One from her brother, letting her know that he'll visit her in two weeks, some from her group chat with friends and two from Ashlyn.

**Ashlyn: Ok I had the weirdest dream ever: my legs were replaced with tentacles and my high school physics teacher was screaming at me, apparently I was on a race and had to get to the finish line (you know, like races usually go) but I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO RUN WITH TENTACLES. Long story short: I failed. Woke up feeling great! How are you?**

The second one was from an hour ago

**Ashlyn: I really wanna watch the Lady Gaga movie that I always forget the name so i'm gonna keep calling it 'the lady gaga movie', wanna join me? Tickets on me :)**

Ali immediately opens her laptop and googles 'dreams with tentacles - meaning'. She gets so excited every time Ashlyn's texts her, especially when there's an invitation to something. She's not used to feeling this giddy over someone.

 

**Ali: I just googled what dreaming with tentacles means and have you ever heard of 'hentai'?**

**Ali: It's called 'A Star is Born' and yes, I'd love to go with you :)**

**Ashlyn: LOL, hentai? not my thing.**

**Ashlyn: Ok, so here is the plan: the movie starts at 9:45 pm, I can pass by your office around 21 pm and we can go together from there, how does that sound?**

**Ali: About Hentai not being your thing: Good to know :). About the plan: sounds great.**

Ali gathered her phone and wallet and left the office. She arrived at the restaurant she usually met Pinoe about 15 minutes later, obviously before the blond.

**Ali: Where are you? By 'our usual' I meant the one we USUALLY go and you're not here.**

**Pinoe: I'M ALMOST THERE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT THERE WAS NO FUCKING WAY ON EARTH I'D GET THERE BEFORE YOU.**

About 10 minutes later, Pinoe entered the restaurant, looking like she ran there. Ali waives, trying to get her attention.

"You're late, as usual," Ali says mocking the girl. She knew 30 minutes wasn't enough and she never really expected her to get there on time.

"I fucking hate you sometimes"

"You absolutely loves me all the time"

"Unfortunately, you're one of my best friends from college - which by the way doesn't mean SHIT because most of them suck - and also, unfortunately, you're hooking up with someone that works with me and that I actually wanna be friends with because she's great."

"Wow calm down, I'm not hooking up with anyone. We're like, going on dates and that's it"

"Yeah yeah, the second weekend in a row she spends with you," Pinoe says rolling her eyes.

"How do you know that?" Ali was genuinely surprised.

"The second Monday in a row she arrived at the university super early and I heard her telling Whitney she wasn't home for the entire weekend"

"I hate you. I always forget she also works with you"

"Hey, Ali, I'm happy for you. This is the first time I've seen you dating someone and honestly, Ashlyn seems like a great girl, and that's just based on her work ethics and academic publications. I just want you to be happy, ok?" - Pinoe said honestly.

"She is great. I really like her"

"I'm excited for you! But enough about this, why were you in need of a friend this morning?"

"Oh, I got this horrible case. I mean, is not even the worst I ever had but I don't know, I don't feel good reading about it. This teenage girl was arrested with some drugs and tried to assault the police officer. She's been on the streets for almost a month and I don't know what got her there! I mean, the girl has a family, a house, I can tell there's something off with the whole thing, I just don't know what"

"Have you met her yet?"

"No, I'm talking to her tomorrow, but she's going through withdraw so I don't know if it's going to be of any use"

"Oh Als, I'm sorry. I wish there was anything I could do to help you"

"You're already helping, I honestly just needed a distraction."

"Ms. Harris wasn't enough?" Pinoe says wiggling her eyebrows.

"I was so deep into work that I only read her text when I got my phone to text you… I'm seeing her tomorrow" Ali says ignoring her friend's antics.

"Ohhh what are the plans?"

"Lady Gaga's movie, 'A Star is born'.

"Oh, so it's a romantic night at the movies I see..."

"Pinoe, stop it" Ali says in a serious tone.

"Are you going to invite her over for some wine after?" Pinoe suggests.

"Probably but I can assure you nothing that you think is going to happen… Is going to happen"

"OH C'MON! I see her every day, Ali! I know she's hot and-"

"Pinoe, we are not having sex. We're getting to know each other and that's it. Yes, she spent the weekend at my apartment… twice. But if you wanna know so much, all we did was cuddle while watching Netflix, eating brunch at a fancy french place and a trip to Coney Island. There's a fucking reason while you've never seen me dating and it's because I don't like being this open and vulnerable, ok? So yeah, I'm trying to open up to Ashlyn, just give me time and space, please. We can talk about anything else, ok? Just keep my relationship with Ashlyn out of it, please."

"I'm sorry"

"It's ok, really. Can we move on?"

"Sure, so: I probably going to host another party soon, after the last one's success I feel like It's time to host a second"

"It's been like, three weeks!"

"Yep, perfect amount of time for people to still remember how epic the last one was but not compare them too much"

"I guess I should have brought my little notebook with me"

"It's fine, now we have an excuse for getting coffee"

"As if we needed one"

 

//

 

It was Thursday, so Ali left the office early to go to therapy. On her way there, she couldn't help but feel anxious about it. The last few days had been great: the weekend spent with Ashlyn, their trip to Coney Island and spending Sunday in bed watching movies, their habit of constant texting about their days, dreams or any interesting they found on the internet. Ali was feeling good about this relationship and she was afraid that spending almost two hours listening to other people talk about their experiences and trauma might put her in a bad mood. So she does the only thing that seems to help her lately.

Ali: I don't really feel like going to therapy today.

Ashlyn: why is that?  
Ali: I don't know, sometimes it depresses me.

Ashlyn: You know, part of therapy is facing things/feelings that we don't necessarily wanna face, and that sometimes depresses patients. But it's important, Als. If you leave feeling like shit, I'm always here to talk about it.

Ali: I know but it's not like I'm facing anything, I never talk, I just listen.

Ashlyn: But listening also brings feelings, especially if what that person is saying resonates with you. Why don't you talk?

Ali: I don't like feeling exposed.

Ashlyn: I get it, but you know everyone there went through something very similar to you. Talking to me was good, right?

Ali: Yep.

Ashlyn: Talking to them should be easier because they understand you way better than I will ever be able to.

Ali: But you're easy to talk to. I know you won't judge me because you're so nice and, more importantly, a therapist.

Ashlyn: Als, they went through something similar, they won't judge you either. You don't have to talk, but promise me that you will at least try?

Ali: Ok. But what do I get out of this?

Ashlyn: Better Mental Health? Jk! I'll buy you any dessert you want for our dinner date that I'm still waiting for you to invite me to.

Ali: Hi Ashlyn, how are you? I hope this message finds you well. Anyway, I was wondering, would you like to go on a romantic dinner date with me? I'll host a candlelit dinner for just the two of us, how does that sound? RSVP.

Ashlyn: Sounds fucking amazing. Text me after therapy!

Immediately upon arriving, Ali felt her stomach tensing up. She didn't want to talk, to relive those memories all over again, but she also didn't want to disappoint Ashlyn. While they were moving the chairs to a circular formation, Ali couldn't stop thinking that there were a thousand different places she'd rather be, and pretty much all of them included Ashlyn.

She sat on her chair and stared at her shoes like she usually did. A girl stood up and introduced herself, it was her first day and she wanted to tell them what happened to her. Ali hears the word 'rape' once and that was enough for her brain to tune out. Over the years, she developed something like a filter, whenever someone's testimony became too descriptive or a movie had an explicit scene, she would tune out. Tuning out was different from freezing, as the later was a reaction to fear. Tuning out was a coping mechanism so she wouldn't freeze anytime 'rape' came into her day-to-day life. Part of her brain was still listening, she just didn't have to actively think about it.

That part started to think about what Ashlyn said earlier: it's true, everyone in this room was a survivor of sexual abuse. They might not share the exact same experience as her, but they knew how she felt. She could feel safe with them, no one would make fun or think any less of her, if anything, they'd admire her for being strong enough to share. Surprisingly, that was enough to make up her mind.

When the girl was over and everyone had already given her encouraging words, Ali raised her hand.

"Can I talk?" She asked timidly.

"Of course, Ali. I think I can say this on behalf of most of us: We've been waiting for you" Sharon said to her, visibly excited that Ali was finally feeling like opening up.

She stood up but still wasn't able to look at everyone, so she kept her sigh on her shoes.

"I guess I should start from the beginning… I was raped back in college. I never talked to anyone about it, just my mom and my brother… well, and my former therapist. In fact, I told a friend for the first time just a couple of days ago, but she's more like someone I'm dating. Anyway, yeah, I was raped. I don't know what to talk about it, I don't think I want to talk about it in the first place, the thing is: this girl I'm dating is a therapist, and like most therapists she's always giving me good advice and pushing me to do things I don't really wanna do but will help me, and she said I should share my feelings here. I've never dated anyone seriously but I really like her and I felt this huge urge to tell her, even though I've been avoiding this topic for over 9 years now. She was super understanding and kept reassuring me that this didn't change the way the felt about me so I think we're good. That's it" She ranted very quickly, almost not stopping to take a breath. She was ready to sit back down and pretend this never happened when a guy she recognized from former sessions made a question.

"How do you feel about dating her?"

"I feel… good. I still don't get why she wants to date me so It's kind of unbelievable, but also so so so good."

"Well, why wouldn't she?" Sharon, the therapist in the group that usually conducted the session, asked.

"What?"

"What wouldn't she want to date you?"

"Oh, well, because of all my burden and my lack of experience probably"

"You don't think you deserve the attention of someone like her?"

"I guess..." Ali was getting more and more embarrassed.

"Have you talked to her about how you feel?"

"Hm, yes."

"Ok" - Sharon seemed to be organizing her thoughts in her mind, so Ali waited for her to say something. "You know, Ali, there's no need to tell us about what happened to you, let's leave that in the past for now, but I wanna know how it affects your life nowadays. How it influences the way you feel about Ashlyn"

"I really like her, and although I'm way more invested in this than I was in all my prior relationships, I'm constantly waiting for her to leave"

"And why is that?'’

"I don't feel like I'm good enough for her"

"But why?"

"Because… because I was raped" - Ali whispers.

"Ali" Sharon took a deep breath "Most of us feel or have felt this way. Don't feel ashamed. We're here to help you heal, ok?"

"Ok" Ali feels like a kid that just got lectured by their mom.

"So… tell me, why do you think you're not enough?"

"Because I was raped and now I don't feel comfortable with my body, it's like I can't give her all of me"

"What do you mean by 'all of me'?"

"I CAN'T-" Ali stars to yell but reminds to calm herself "I can't have sex, for example. I cry every fucking time she-"

"Wait, you can have sex, it's just a matter of you wanting to"

"Of course I do! I really do but-" Ali was getting so frustrated.

"Ali, you can have sex. Ashlyn seems to be really into you. That means that she likes everything - 'all of you' - that you showed her so far. What I think is that you don't like all of you. You don't accept that this is who you are, Ali. There's a lot you have to overcome to get to a place you feel comfortable with your body. But this is you! This is your story and I know that what happened to you is horrible, believe me, I read your file. But you got to accept your past in order to move forward. Ashlyn already accepted it, now it's your turn."

Ali is quiet, taking in everything Sharon just said. Her eyes got glassy with tears, and Ashlyn's phrase echoed in her mind. 'Sometimes, you got to face what you don't wanna face' she thinks.

"I know I'm being harsh with you, but it's only because I know you can take it," Sharon says with a comforting smile on her lips.

"Ok. I think… I think you're right"

"You don't have to think about it right now, take this home and think about it later, ok? We'll talk about it again next session"

"Ok"

Ali returned to her sit quietly. She spent the rest of the session staring at her shoes, not even registering what the other patients were talking about. When it comes to an end, she doesn't even make her usual trip to the food & beverages table, going straight to her jacket and leaving the building as fast as she can.

On the subway, she can't hold back the tears. If she was being honest, she already knew she never fully accepted what happened. She constantly caught herself daydreaming about what her life would be like had she refused Luke's offer to take her home. Daydreaming is fine when it's about being one of the Kardashians or winning the lottery. But in her case, it was just a mechanism to avoid thinking about what had actually happened.

She couldn't be anyone else, she had to be the Yale graduate lawyer who's goals in life was to help people. Unfortunately, she was the student that was raped during her sophomore year. She couldn't change it. The couldn't change her past, but her future was still there to be forged, and she already knew what she wanted: a future with a family. And right now, she wanted a future with Ashlyn.

 

She got home and decided to text Ashlyn.

**Ali: I shared.**

**Ashlyn: Really?! I'm so proud of you! <3 How are you feeling?**

**Ali: Really, my therapist didn't even see it coming. Anyway, she did point out something that made me think a lot, but overall I'm feeling good.**

**Ashlyn: That's therapy for you, it makes you feel like shit sometimes, but you're always glad about it.**

**Ali: haha, yeah. Well, I'm thankful for you.**

**Ashlyn: that's an unexpected confession but I'm thankful for you too.**

**Ali: Just thought I'd make sure you know how I feel.**

**Ashlyn: I feel it ;)**


	12. Unbearable Lightness

Ali was standing, in front of her apartment window, already ready for work. She was holding her mug full of coffee while observing the cars driving through her street outside, trying to think of anything but what she would be doing in a couple of hours.

She was meeting her new client today. Although she loved her job, it was also the cause of most of her stomach aches. Advocacy is a field in which taking risks is, at the same time, a mistake and a hit. You had to bluff, to pretend that you knew way more than you actually did, but the risk of failure was always very high. Failing and making a company lose some thousand dollars was something that she could live with, but falling and letting a teenager in the system for some years as unbearable for her. 

The truth was: there was something in this case that was making her uncomfortable, she couldn't put her finger on it yet, but she felt like something was worse than what it seemed. There was a reason why that girl left her home, and although it could be considered irrelevant for the accusation, it could be important for building an adjacent case.

She finished her coffee, took the mug to the sink and filled it with water, deciding to clean it when she got back from the movie with Ashlyn. They haven't said anything about it yet, but she planned on inviting the blonde to stay over tonight - although she knew it was better to already text her inviting, for a change of clothes/teeth brush reasons. 

She grabbed her bag that was hanging on a chair and left the apartment. She walked to the subway station, just a few blocks from her house, not too far. The client, Johanna, was staying at a rehabilitation center for the youth called Horizon, which only made Ali even more anxious about the whole case. She always hoped her clients weren't sent there, due to the history of power abuse by the cops. She had gotten a lot of complaints from her former clients over the years, but never enough to build a case around it. 

On the station, she waited for the subway leaning on the wall, far from the tracks. She was always afraid some crazy would push her, so she stayed as far away as possible. She watched people to pass the time, and particularly enjoyed watching moms with their kids. Her desire for having children was almost a secret, she rarely shared that with friends and family, simply because that usually led to a conversation regarding her love life, 'why don't you put yourself out there?'. But now, with a possible serious relationship with Ashlyn ins perspective, she was letting herself imagine the future more often. 

She got onto the train and immediately searched for a sit. There wasn't any vacant, so she chose to lean on the metal bar. She searches her bag for her ear-phones, but couldn't find them, realizing she left it on her office yesterday before leaving for the group therapy session. With nothing else left to do, she opened Instagram. She and Ashlyn had been seeing each other for over a month now, and she had resisted the urge of searching the therapist so far, but with the most recent intimacy developed between them, not following her on Instagram felt just weird. 

She searched for "Ashlyn Harris" figuring there weren't many people with that name, and she was right. The same profile picture from Facebook ( They were friends there already) was the first option that showed up. 

For some reason, she already expected a low number of publications. Ashlyn only had 36 pictures posted, not many followers and wasn't following many either. The first pictures were landscapes, and Ali recognized the Columbia campus where Ashlyn worked at. The more 'artsy' picture was of a book on a table, with a coffee cup beside it. "On The Basis of Morality", by Schopenhauer. It didn't surprise her one bit that Ashlyn was reading German philosophy, but she always forgot how smart the therapist was, simply because she wasn't overbearing and so so easy to talk to. 

Scrolling down her feed, she saw something she didn't want to see. There was a picture of Ashlyn with some other women, from almost a year and a half ago. It didn't scream romance, just two people together, that seemed comfortable enough that you could assume they were an item. She looked for the tag and read the woman's name: Steph Haws, but she already imagined she would be the ex. Even though the picture was posted a long time ago, she couldn't help the pang of jealousy in her stomach. 

She knew she shouldn't, but did it anyway: to opened Steph's account. She had over 400 photos, almost a thousand followers and was following more than 3 thousand. She couldn't contain her curiosity and soon enough was looking over her photos. All the most recent ones were of a group of friends, always at parties. She noticed the same woman was at least half of the pictures. She reminded her of Ashlyn, but only because of the short hair and tomboyish style. Ali wondered if that was the woman Steph was cheating on Ashlyn with. 

She browsed Steph's feed a little longer to see if she had any pictures with Ashlyn, there wasn't any. She either never posted one ( which Ali doubted as their relationship lasted 5 years) ou the deleted all of them after the breakup, which seamed more possible. Steph seemed like the type of person that would do that. Ashlyn, on the other hand, seemed like the kind of person that wasn't affected by some pictures of a past relationship. Not because it didn't mean anything, but because it didn't hurt anymore. 

She went back to Ashlyn's profile, browsing it a lit bit longer. The photos were pretty much the same, some were of her with some people Ali assumed were her family, and in some Steph was with them as well, but there were mostly landscapes. She recognized pictures from Ashlyn's trip to Brazil, she was pretty sure some of them were taken in Florida, and some in Europe, but that was it. 

Unsatisfied, she opened Ashlyn's following list and again wasn't surprised to see that she was mostly following universities, newspapers, some writers and soccer teams (at least every nwsl team). Ali smiled realizing that this list summed up pretty well who Ashlyn was: a simple yet incredible human being. 

She felt her heart warm, with little timing of knowing each ther she could already tell that Ashlyn was one of the most extraordinary persons she had ever met. She missed her and decided to send her a text message. 

Ali: I was thinking: do you wanna spend the night? We could grab something to eat after the movie and come here, something that we rarely do. 

She put her phone in her back pocket, but it didn't take long for it to vibrate. With the number of things she knew Ashlyn did per day, it always amazed her how little time it took her to reply to her messages. 

Ashlyn: I'd love to! Can't refuse this unique kind of invitation to do nothing with you, something that we never do for sure. 

Ali giggled, trying not to disturb the other. It didn't matter what the invitation was for, Ashlyn always seemed excited. She put her phone again because her destination was arriving. The nervousness that had temporarily subsided came back screaming. 

She walked the few blocks between the station and the rehab center, the clicking from her heals hitting the sidewalk being her only focus of attention. She'd replay every bit of information she had when she got to the waiting room, but now her only goal was to calm down. 

She got to the center and went through the usual processes almost automatically: she gave the officer her ID and Bar ID, together with the documents that certified her relation to the case. She went through the metal detector and followed the officer to the waiting room. She atmosphere of this place of heavy, but she was already in her working mode, only thinking of talking to the girl. 

After 15 minutes, tops, another officer took her to the interrogation room. She sat at the table, and the door on the opposite side opened. A young girl that looked 14 years old tops (even though Ali knew she was 16) entered the room wearing the usual orange jumpsuit, followed by an officer. She sat on the chair in front of Ali, and the guard handcuffed her to the table. 

"So you're the one that's taking me out of here?" Johanna asked with certain sarcasm. 

"Apparently" Ali replied, matching the tone. 

"It doesn't look promising," Johanna said with finality. Ali had 0 patience with some types of teenagers, even though she wanted to help them all. The one she hated the most was precisely this one, that she had to penetrate this thick wall of attitude they built around them, a certain "I'm cooler than you because I'm already a criminal and you're a law agent". No one wanted to be in one of this centers, and the biggest part of them was just scared, their protection instincts just kicked in.  
"With that attitude, no it doesn't," Ali answered. With time and experience, Ali learned how to deal with most of them. Johanna didn't answer, just kept her sigh at the handcuffed wrists chained to the table. 

"Look, I'm here to help you. My main goal might be taking you out of here, but I'll help you with any other thing you need" Ali told her, trying to create some kind of partnership between them. When Johanna refused to say anything, she tried again.

"Why don't you start by telling me what happened that got you here?"

Johanna sighed and began to tell her the story she already knew: she was with some friends on the street, some other teenagers that left home, when some cops approached them. Johanna didn't react well to the approach and ended up being brought here. She failed to mention that she was high on cocaine, as was proved by the test she took upon arriving at the center, but she admits that doesn't remember much of what happened. She uses a solid 30 minutes to re-tell everything, as she constantly stops the narrative to add comments about the other teens. Ali knows more about the girl's friends than she knows about Johanna. 

"Do you think you can take me out of here?" She asks when the story is over, looking small. 

"I want to, but it doesn't look like you have another place to go, right?" Ali asks, trying to direct the conversation to what she really wanted to know. 

"I have a home" Johanna tells her, looking embarrassed and clearly uncomfortable. 

"A real home? not the street with your friends?" Ali asks seriously but trying to sound amicable. She doesn't want Johanna to feel like she's being accused of anything. 

"Yes." She answers, sadly. 

"And why were you on the street and not there?" 

Johanna doesn't say anything, clearly trying to avoid Ali's eyes. Not long after, a police officer enters the room announcing that their time is up. Ali is sure that it's a lie, but that's how things go on this places, officers lie. She pretends she doesn't notice because she doesn't want to get on their bad side at the very first day, and also because she knows Johanna won't tell her anything. 

The officer helps Johanna up, and Ali takes the opportunity to say one final thing.

"Johanna, I will help you, as long as you help me," She says trying to sound serious without being dramatic. Johanna only nods, signaling she will think about it. 

Ali gathers her things and follows the known process of leaving. She walks to the subway, but gets off on a different station, the one closer to her office. The remaining of her day is pretty average: She uses the morning to write down her first impressions on Johanna, has lunch with Janice and spends the afternoon help some associates with their own cases. 

She tries not to think about the fact that Ashlyn might text anytime now, telling her she's waiting downstairs, but it's almost impossible. She missed the therapist, as exaggerated as it seemed. 

Around 9 pm, her phone vibrates against the table.

Ashlyn: I'm here! That's some impressive building. 

Ali: I picked you up at fucking Columbia University, that's impressive. I'll get my things and come down.

Ali: is not like I study there or anything…

Ali laughs with the last message while she goes to the bathroom. She retouched her makeup quickly and took the opportunity to brush her teeth again, making sure she didn't have a bad breath and finally walked to the elevators. 

Ashlyn was wearing her usual work clothes: Dress pants, button-down white shirt, dress shoes, and a jacket, with her Harvard bag hanging across her chest. Her sleeves were rolled up, showing her also classic Cassio watch vintage edition, although Ali had seen her using a Tag Hauer, the Cassio one was more usual. She had her hands inside her pockets, watching a couple buying hot dogs. Ali smiled watching her, knowing that Ashlyn had already cooked up a story for that couple in her mind. 

"Hi" she said, still smiling when she got close enough Ash could hear her without shouting. Ashlyn smiled even before turning around, already identifying who the voice belonged to. 

"Hello, did you get lost in the elevator?" She joked, gently pulling Ali in for a hug. The shorter girl layed her head against Ash's chest, taking in her familiar scent. 

"I missed you" Ali admitted against her shirt. 

"I missed you too! It's crazy, right?" She said loosening her arms a little so Ali could see her face. The lawyer laughed said:

"Let's get going, I like taking the best sits"

"Of course you do" Ashlyn said rolling her eyes. 

// 

They walked hand in hand to the cinema, which wasn't so far from Ali's office, basically 20 minutes walking at a normal pace. Ali told everything about her meeting with Johanna, trying to describe the weird sensation she had regarding this case. 

"Hm, she must be afraid" Ashlyn comments when Ali is over. 

"That's what I thought," Ali says.

"Try to maintain more visual contact the next time you meet her and tell me if she tried to avoid it again" Ashlyn asks. 

"Hm, ok." Ali says looking to Ashlyn and laughing. 

"What? I'm invested now!" Ashlyn says, also laughing. 

"Of course you are!"

They get to the cinema and get into the line, that isn't too long. They're the last ones, Ali lays her head on Ashlyn's shoulder while making comments about a poster of a movie she wants to watch until they hear a familiar voice coming from behind them.

"wow, what do we have here?" Pinoe says laughing a little too dramatically.

Ali and Ash both turn, finding Pinoe standing beside a considerably taller woman, with straight long black hair. 

"Oh, would you look at that! If it isn't that one co-worker that spend the entire day complaining she wouldn't have time to finish work before her date!" Ashlyn exclaims without missing the opportunity. Pinoe blushes a bit my recovers quickly. 

"Sue, this is Ashlyn, we work together as you can probably tell. They say she's some kind of genius in the psychology of close and interpersonal relationships but clearly has 0 social skills." Sue offers her hand for Ashlyn to shake. 

"Nice to meet you!" Sue says ignoring they're banter and smiling friendly.

"Likewise!" Ashlyn says, not letting Pinoe's comment get to her.

"And this is Ali, she went to Yale with me but it's one of those disgusting monsters that studied law. By the way! They're so not seeing each other or anything serious, this is all just a date night between two really good friends that just basically chose to see each other without no second intentions at all"

"Pinoe" Ali warns while shaking Sue's hand.

"And I'm the one that lacks social skills" Ashlyn jokes. 

"What are you guys watching?" Sue asks, trying to be friendly.

"The Lady Gaga movie," Ashlyn says matching the friendly tone. 

"A Star is Born, Ash!" Ali corrects, laughing off the way Ashlyn simply can't remember the name. Ash shrugs her shoulders and smiles at her. 

"Not even 5 minutes and I'm already sick of you" Pinoe jokes. 

"I'm sorry to ask, but are you guys together? I'm kind of lost here" Sue asks honestly confused."

"In Pinoe's mind, we've married already" Ashlyn answers for them, avoiding putting Ali in an uncomfortable situation. "Which movie are you watching?"

"A Star is Born as well!" Sue says 

"But preferably very far from you" Pinoe says seriously

"The feeling is mutual" Ali jokes, making Ashlyn and Sue laugh. 

Ashlyn pays for the tickets after Ali spends solid 5 minutes debating with the clerk about which sits were the best. Pinoe complained that now, to avoid sitting close to them, she and Sue had to get bad sits.

Ashlyn also pays for the popcorn, soda and tells Ali to chose a candy, getting a very excited reaction from the lawyer. They get into the session and find Ali's almost-too-perfect sits easily. When they're comfortable sitting, Ashlyn's circles Ali's shoulders with her arm. 

"Wow Ash, not even gonna wait for the trailers?" Ali jokes. 

"They say i'm not one to waste time" Ashln replied, leaning in for a kiss, Ali quickly reciprocates. It's not too deep, as they're in public (even though the session isn't too full, a miracle for a Friday night), but it lasts enough for Ali to feel her lips tingly. 

"Get your fill now because I wanna pay attention to the movie" Ali says seriously. 

"Is that so?"

"Yep" Ali says, popping the 'p'. 

"I better get to it then" Ashlyn says, leaning her hand on Ali's jaw, kissing her just a bit harder. Ali can't help but smile into the kiss. 

Even though she was half joking, Ashlyn soon finds out that Ali was rather serious. She doesn't even glance over the therapist the whole movie, not even to comment. The only interaction between them happens when Ali finds Ashlyn's hand when she starts crying, melting the psychologist's heart. 

"You're the most adorable creature on the entire earth" Ashlyn says watching Ali dry her tears after the movie. 

"Stop!" Ali says trying to not smudge her mascara.

"I'm serious!" Ashlyn exclaims laughing. 

 

"Ok, let's get going. I have other plans for tonight" Ali says in a suggestive way. They both know they're probably gonna have a make-out session on the couch, tops, but this foresight isn't any less exciting than something more sexual.

Ashlyn pretends to run, while Ali laughs a little harder. Ashlyn offers her hand, waiting for Ali to take it. They leave the cinema hand in hand, meeting Sue and Pinoe chatting in front of the box officer.

"So, did you actually watch the movie?" Pinoe asks. 

"Yes! Ali actually takes her movies very seriously" Ashlyn answers, making everyone laugh. 

"Well, we'll get going them, let's let these lovebirds go home to… sleep." Pinoe tells Sue. 

"Your obsession with sex, or rather with your friend's sex life, is disturbing." Ashlyn jokes. "I don't know if that's good or bad for you," she says to Sue, who laughs. Ashlyn is thankful that she seems to have a good sense of humor. 

"Ashlyn! Social skills! It doesn't even look like you spend your entire life studying this!" Pinoe warns. 

"This is called revenge for making my girl blush" Ashlyn says nodding to Ali, who's still a little blushed.

"Ok, we definitely have to go" Ali says pulling Ashlyn. "Bye Sue! It was nice to meet you" Ali says, already leaving.

"Byeeeee!" Ashlyn says following her.

"That was intense"Ali comments when they're already far enough. 

"Ha! It was funny, Sue seems nice" Ashlyn adds. 

"Yep and pretty" Ali says, checking if was safe to cross the street.

"Wow, should I be worried?" Ashlyn says smiling while they cross the street. 

"Nops, she doesn't have this dimple" Ali says poking it. 

"I'm a blessed girl" 

 

// 

They get to Ali's apartment a short time after. On their way their, they ended up deciding on not getting anything for dinner, as both ate a lot of popcorn, so they'd make sandwiches later in case they got hungry. Ashlyn took off her bag and jacket, leaving both on a chair and sat comfortably on the couch. Ali watches her, noticing how she seems to belong there already.

"Did you enjoy the movie?" Ali asks while sitting beside Ashlyn on the couch. 

"Yep, but my favorite part was that one before the trailers" She answers e leans for a kiss but meets a hand halfway through 

"I gotta brush my teeth" Ali says standing.

"What? Why?" Ashlyn asks genuinely confused. 

"I ate popcorn, Ash. I don't want to risk having any remaining shells." Ali says as if it's obvious. 

"I guess I have to do it as well then," Ashlyn says, standing up and grabbing her necessaire from her bag. Ali watches as she also grabs her pajamas. "You're blocking the way" Ashlyn says, Ali is standing in the middle of the hallway that leads to her bedroom. She laughs and walks, with Ashlyn in tow. 

They brush their teeth together and Ali can't help but smile every time she catches Ashlyn stealing glances through the mirror. When they're done, Ashlyn goes back to the bedroom and sits by the edge of the bed, almost too dramatically. 

"What are we doing now?" She asks, looking like a child waiting for the weekend's guideline.

"Making out" Ali says, walking to stand between Ashlyn's legs. 

"Is that so?" The therapist asks, circling Ali's legs with her arms. Ali lays her own arms over Ashlyn's shoulders.

"Yep" Ali says. Ashlyn pulls her gently by the legs, leading her to straddle her lap. Their lips meet right after. Ali moves her hand to the back of Ashlyn's head, playing with the short hair she finds there. 

They move gently in the beginning, but soon things start to heat up, their tongues are dancing against each other and low short moans escape their lips. Ali pushes Ashlyn gently so she's laying on the bed, Ali on top. She feels her strong arms circling her waist, and her palms are laid flat on her back. It's like Ashlyn is trying to feel her the maximum possible without making her feel traped. 

Out of a sudden, this contact is enough for Ali anymore. She needs more, she needs to feel more. Still kissing Ashlyn, she opens her eyes to study the girl's face, who seems lost in the kiss. Ali searches for her hand and holds it. Before Ashlyn can think she made something wrong, Ali guides it to her ass, making her squeeze it. They both moan together, and Ali realizes Ashlyn also needed more. She lets go of her hand and grabs her neck. She feels Ashlyn lowering her other hand through her back to her ass, slowly. She keeps her eyes open, just as a reminder that this is Ashlyn, harmless and sweet Ashlyn, that she has nothing to worry about. If she says the word, Ashlyn will stop immediately, and she knows it. 

But she doesn't want it to end. She wants it, needs it. Soon she realizes her hips are moving almost involuntarily because her whole body needs more friction. Something that she finds really peculiar yet amazing about Ashlyn is that she doesn't stop to breath, she breaths into the kiss. So the tingling sensation produced by the kiss is potentialized by Ashlyn's hot breath against her skin. 

She feels Ashlyn spinning them so they're both laying on their sides, facing each other. She uses the new position to lace their legs, and pull Ashlyn closer by the waist. This is definitely, the most intimate position they've been with each other, and Ali is surprised by how comfortable and easy it feels. Ashlyn's warm body it not threatening, it's welcoming. But, even though everything feels so good, she knows they're not doing anything more than that. She doesn't want to grow any kind of expectation on the therapist, so she stops the kiss. Ashlyn immediately repositions her hands on Ali's lower back, making her smile. 

"You're ok?" Ashlyn asks, honestly worried.

"Yeah, it's just that-" Ali tries to think of a better reason than the truth, but it cut by Ashlyn. 

"Hey, it's fine! How do you feel about having a shower, putting some pajamas on and having some sweet? Do you have ice cream?" Ashlyn asks, placing some loose strands of hair behind Ali's ear. 

"I might have a pint of cookie dough on the freezer, can you grab it while I shower?" Ali asks, enjoying Ashlyn's warmth a little longer.  
"Sure!" Ashlyn says. She kisses Ali's forehead and stands, leaving for the kitchen. 

Ali takes her clothes off and turns the shower on, letting the warm faucet of water fall on her shoulders. She definitely didn't have to get… hotter, but hated cold showers. She looks down her body and moves her hand over the scars on her belly, following its path lower. It's been years since the last time she got actually aroused, to the point of getting wet. But it only took a gentle light touch to feel the effect a few minutes with Ashlyn had on her body. 

She wasn't used to feeling pleasure, she rarely masturbated. She had fantasies, that's for sure, but in the same way she dreamed of buying a house by the beach: in the future, someday, as a plan. But Ashlyn's presence in her life now only potentialized this fantasies, they became latent. 

She washed her body quickly, dressed her most comfortable pajamas and went back to the bedroom, finding Ashlyn also wearing pajamas, sitting against the headboard, with the pint laying beside her. She was wearing her glasses, reading something on her phone.

"Did you social-media stalk Steph today?" She asks, looking at Ali over her glasses. She didn't seem mad, just curious, but that was enough to leave Ali petrified, trying to ponder all her options as fast as possible, but not fast enough. 

"I won't be mad, babe. It's just a question" Ashlyn smiled. Ali opted for telling the truth. 

"I started by stalking you, and a picture of you two popped up. I just got curious and checked her profile, but I didn't see much." She sat by the edge of the bad, without being able to predict Ashlyn's reaction. 

"Ha! It seems like you liked a picture by accident' Ashlyn says laughing. 

"Shit" Ali says, starring at her lap. 

"She saw your name and searched you on Facebook, finding out that we're friends. And this is why I just got a text that says 'Your friend Ali Krieger was stalking me today on Instagram'" Ashlyn explains, sensing the brunette's discomfort. 

"Well, technically I was, but in theory, I wasn't" Ali finally looks at Ashlyn. 

"I think you were both technically and in theory" Ashlyn laughs "But Ali, love, it's fine! It's normal to be curious" She pulls Ali closer. 

"She's pretty" Ali says, sitting beside Ashlyn and going for the ice cream. 

"She is" Ashlyn says, observing the lawyers face, trying to gauge how she was feeling. 

"Do you miss her?" Ali asks, starring at the Ice Cream as if it's the most fascinating thing she has ever seen in her entire life. 

"Nops" Ashlyn says, placing her arms over Ali's shoulders, pulling her even closer. 

"How did you two meet?"

"Some friends in common introduced us in college" Ashlyn was tracing circles on Ali's shoulder with her thumb. 

"She also went to Harvard?"

"Yep, Law"

"She's smart than… wait, Law? You have a pattern, Ashlyn Harris!" Ali says lifting her head to look at Ashlyn, almost hitting her with it. 

"Haha I do: beautiful and intelligent women" Ashlyn says kissing her temper. 

"What's her field? I might have heard of her"

"I doubt it, she worked with companies" 

"Hm" Ali says shortly. 

"What? You're judging, right?" Ash asks smirking. 

"I might be" Ali says taking a spoonful of the Ice Cream.

"It's fine, I judge her too. Hey, can you give me some?" Ali takes a spoonful to her lips. They stay in a comfortable silence for a while, Ashlyn could tell Ali wanted to say something more, so she waited.

"You called me 'your girl' today" Ali affirms. 

"Yes, isn't it true?" Ashlyn asks. 

"I don't know, is it?" Ali looks at her.

"I want it to be" Ashlyn shrugs her shoulders. 

"You should ask me then" Ashlyn laughs but soon realizes Ali meant it. "Well, do you wanna be my girl?" To what Ali rolls her eyes.

"Ashlyn, c'mon" 

"What?! Ok… Alexandra, do you wanna be my girlfriend?" She says trying to control her laugh. 

"Will you take me to your apartment?"

"What?!" 

"You never take me to your apartment, we always come here! I'm starting to think you either have a torture chamber or some kink shit like 50 shades of gray" Ali jokes. 

"Torture chamber? no. 50 shades of gray? maybe" Ashlyn says seriously, getting a playful slap to the biceps. "What? It might be true! Anyway, you always invite me before I have the chance." 

Ali keeps looking her, waiting for an answer. 

"I'll take you to my place, Ali. We can go there after Pinoe's party, it's closer than here"

"Ok." 

"Ok?"

"Ok."

"Will you answer me now, Hazel Grace?" Ashlyn's asks. 

"I chose to ignore this shitty reference to "the fall in our stars" and say yes, I'd love to be your girlfriend, Ashlyn Harris. 

It's easy to be with Ashlyn. It's easy to touch her, kiss her, get to know her. There was this lightness, almost unbearable, that rounder her when Ashlyn was around, and she planned on holding onto this feeling as long as she could… hopefully forever.


	13. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We talk a lot about rape on this one. Nothing too graphic. 
> 
> Be nice.

Ali could feel the hands on her shoulders, squeezing them. Her face was being pressed against the wall, she could feel the hot, thick blood sliding over her forehead. She was so scared, and the pain was almost unbearable. She wanted to fall, wanted to scream, but the hands were holding her tight and her mind was too foggy. 

She felt someone pressing her even harder against the wall. She couldn't stop crying, the tears and sweat and the blood were mixing over her face. She felt the hot breath on the back of her neck, the voice cursing her, "Whore", "Bitch". She knew there was no way out of there, all she wanted was to die. 

"You'll always be mine, there's no escaping it" The voice said. 

Ali jerked awake. "It's just a nightmare," she thought, but she knew it was more than just a nightmare, it was a memory. She turned over to her side and found Ashlyn, looking back at her, worried. 

"Hey, it was just a nightmare, it's over. You're safe, babe" Ashlyn said, placing her hand on Ali's shoulder. 

The lawyer began crying immediately. The fondness and worry in Ashlyn's voice were evident, and all she wanted was to run away from that dark and cold alley towards Ashlyn's warm embrace. Sometimes she believed this was perfectly possible, but nightmares like this reminded that there was a long journey ahead of her. 

"Thank you," she said, returning to her position on the therapist's arms. 

"You're welcome, love" Ashlyn said. 

It didn't take long until they were sleeping again, they only woke up hours later when Ali's alarm went on. They had spent the weekend together, something that was becoming usual for them. They got some work done together, went out for lunch, had ice cream and spent almost two hours in a drug store because Ali simply couldn't choose between two types of shampoos. It had been two great days, and Ali was ready to be over yet.

"I don't wanna leave this bed" She said, staring at the ceiling. 

"Me neither, but look, we'll see each other again tomorrow for our dinner date. And then on Friday again for Pinoe's party!" Ashlyn said trying to cheer her up. 

"But I still gotta go to work! And leave the bed. It's so warm in here and so cold out there" 

"Something tell's me you'll survive" Ashlyn laughed. 

They fell into silence again, both trying to find inner forces to help them stand up. Ashlyn wanted to ask Ali about the nightmare. It wasn't unusual for them to discuss dreams, and even nightmares sometimes, but Ali would always bring them up, and even though they weren't awake for a long time, she hadn't mentioned it yet. 

"I was wondering… do you wanna talk about the nightmare?" Ashlyn asked. 

"Hm?" Ali was paying attention. 

"The nightmare you had this night, do you wanna talk about it?" The therapist was usually very patient with Ali's difficulties on sharing, but she felt like they were comfortable enough around each other to push her on a few things here and there. 

"Honestly, I don't. Don't be mad at me, it's just that I really don't wanna think about it" Ali said honestly, trying not to hurt Ashlyn's feelings or make her feel like Ali didn't trust her. 

"I get it. It's just that sometimes talking about this could help you overcome them" Ashlyn said. She wasn't mad, really. But in some way, it frustrated her to watch Ali struggle so hard with things that she truly felt like she could help. 

"Can we try it some other time?" Ali asked. 

"Sure, babe" Ashlyn said leaning over to kiss Ali's forehead. It worried her that Ali assumed there would be another time. 

"OK, let's do this" Ali said throwing the blankets away and getting off the bed. 

"WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE TO FREEZE LIKE THIS?" Ashlyn joked, making a scene of getting to a fetal position and trying to keep warm.

"It's better to rip off the band-aid in one single move, Ashlyn" Ali said already entering the bathroom. 

 

// 

Despite waking up with Ashlyn, Ali's day wasn't going well at all. Ashlyn's words were still resonating with her. Why wasn't she able to talk about that night to anyone else? She had good friends, some she truly trusted in. She knew she was ashamed about it, but all the #metoo movement had been so inspiring and she felt way more empowered than she felt before. Knowing some many women shared the same terrible experience was horrible but gave her hope. 

It also made her think that she wasn't the only one, meaning that she hadn't been chosen by the universe, God didn't necessarily hate her. Unfortunately, this was something that many women had to face. She didn't do anything wrong or was paying for all her sins. She had the bad luck of meeting and jerk, but ultimately that jerk was the only one to blame. 

 

Ali: I have to talk to you. 

Pinoe: The usual at lunch. 

 

//  
Meghan Rapinoe wasn't always late, but she usually arrived at places after Ali Krieger. But she wasn't the only one, Ali Krieger was ALWAYS early. She learned in college that Ali was perfect. She was beautiful, had more-than-great grades, was loved by everyone who knew her, and was always early or precisely on time, but never late. 

That's why Pinoe had no idea what to do with herself at that moment. She was sitting on their usual table waiting for Ali Krieger, who was 10 minutes late. She didn't know how to wait for Ali, no one did. Was she supposed to order? She knew what Ali wanted. Or should she wait for the lawyer? She was already late, so despite the fact that Ali had the same thing the last 200 times they met for lunch, maybe she wanted something different today. 

Out of a sudden, Ali came rushing through the doors, ending Pinoe's suffering. 

"NEVER DO THIS AGAIN" She said, looking desperate. 

"What?" Ali asked confused. 

"Be late. Never do this again. I have no idea how to operate in this situation. Don't do this to me ever again" Pinoe said, visibly calmer. 

"I'm sorry, I had a last minute call." Ali said laughing. 

"Not only you're late but you're late after sending my a fucking mysterious text." Pinoe said trying to get things going. 

"I am very sorry, Meghan. This won't happen again" Ali said still amused. After they placed their orders, Ali began to doubt her decision to talk to Pinoe. Not because of something the blond did, but because she realized that telling her might change everything. 

Telling Ashlyn wasn't necessarily easy, but she had nothing to lose. Yes, she was very into her and she knew Ashlyn was special. But this is the thing: for some reason, she knew Ashlyn wouldn't leave. Pinoe wouldn't either, but their friendship started before the accident and continued after it, and she was afraid Pinoe would feel somehow betrayed by Ali waiting so long to tell her. It's different, knowing from the start and finding out years later. 

"Yeah, well. I gotta tell you something" Ali was nervous, and she knew Pinoe could tell. "Remember that time in college when I went back because my mother was sick?" 

"Yeah, I called you every night to gossip" Pinoe laughed at the memory, so did Ali. But she quickly sobered up. 

"Well, my mom wasn't sick." She stared at her lap. 'Sometimes talking about it helps to overcome it'. "I… I was raped". She looked up at Pinoe, who seemed shocked. She didn't say anything at first and Ali got worried. 

"When?" Pinoe finally asked. 

"During that time" Ali answered. 

"I know, but when?" Pinoe seemed sad, worried and shocked at the same time.

"Remember that night after the football game against Cornell that we won? We went to a bar. I left with Ben Merkett." 

"Yes" Pinoe said, her voice cracking. Ali couldn't speak anymore, not because talking about it was hard, but because she could see Pinoe's heartbreaking. 

"Oh, Ali" Pinoe said when she finally put things together. She couldn't hold her tears any longer, which only made Ali cry even harder. 

"Does Ashlyn know?" She asked a few moments later. 

"Yeah, I told her after our second date" 

"And she…?"

"She's great. I actually decided to tell you because of something she said to me this morning" 

"What was it?" 

"Talking about helps to overcome it." 

"That's basic psychology, but yes." Pinoe laughed between the tears. "Ali, I'm so sorry" She didn't know what else to say, a lot of things started to make sense in her mind. She cursed herself for not noticing there was something wrong earlier. 

"I'm sorry for not telling you before" Ali said still avoiding Pinoe's eyes. 

"I just wish I could have helped you more" Pinoe was drying her tears. "All these years, Ali, and you had to deal with this alone. There's so much I would have done differently, starting by not trying to hook you up with every girl I met" They laughed together. Pinoe had tried to set her up at least 20 times over the years. 

"Well, you kind of got me a girlfriend" Ali said. "Talking about her, that night that we met at the movies, you mentioned some people would call her a genius. Is that true? Like, is she a genius?" She hadn't stopped thinking about it ever since. 

"Ali, she's 27 and has a Ph.D. Most people only get one after 33. We work together but she's pretty much my fugleman. I don't know if she's an actual genius with a super high IQ or anything like that, but she's way above average for sure. Why do you ask?" Pinoe was actually surprised for the sudden change of topic. 

"She could tell I was raped before I told her"

"She's really good at reading signs and associating things, but don't worry, she's not some kind of telepathic or anything like that" Pinoe explained. 

"Well. She's great and super patient with me. And I only met her because of you"

"Still, I wish I could have done more, Als" 

"You're my friend, you did enough" Ali said reaching for Pinoe's hands over the table. 

 

//  
Ashlyn was sitting at a desk at the Teacher's common room, reading a student essay. She made a mental note for stopping to buy more red pens on her way home. She had this horrible habit of adding comments to every single paragraph. She was so focused that didn't notice her phone vibrating against the table, or Pinoe entering the room. She only noticed her presence when Pinoe laid a hand on her shoulder. 

"Hey, can you come with me?" Pinoe asked, sounding serious. 

"Sure, something wrong?" Ashlyn placed the papers back on the table and capped the pen. 

"Just come with me, please" Pinoe said heading to the door. 

Ashlyn followed her through the hallway towards the bathroom, going over all possible scenarios she could come up with. Ever since the party, they had grown closer, but Ashlyn still couldn't think of a reason for Pinoe's behave. They entered the bathroom and the blond headed straight to the sink, throwing some water on her face. Ashlyn stood by the door, not quite knowing what to do or to expect.  
"I had lunch with Ali today." She said, still not looking over to Ashlyn, who waited for her the rest, she knew Pinoe wasn't over yet. "She told me about the incident" 

"Which incident?" Ashlyn was genuinely confused.

"The rape, Ashlyn" Pinoe said sounding frustrated. 

"Oh" Ashlyn said honestly surprised. 

"I was there that night, at the bar, Ash." Pinoe told raising her head. "I saw that guy talking to her, I let her leave with him. I didn't ask anything when she called me saying that she was going home for a few weeks because her mother was sick." Ashlyn finally understood what was happening. 

"Pinoe I don't-"

"Let me finish, please. We moved to New York together, we shared our first apartment. We've been seen each other at least once a week for over 10 years. She's my best friend and I never noticed." 

 

"Meghan, she didn't tell you. There's no way you could have done something to prevent it and she didn't tell you, so there's nothing you could have done differently" Ashlyn said getting closer. 

"I WAS FUCKING THERE, ASHLYN" Pinoe cried. "I saw that asshole every day until he graduated. We went to parties that he was at, to games, to school events. I had no fucking idea! I mean, I never liked him, I could tell he was an asshole, but he raped my best friend, who I would die for, and I did nothing!" She covered her face with her hands, trying to control her tears. 

"You and I know that there's no use on feeling guilty. There's nothing you could have done and, more importantly, she's alive, Pinoe. I mean, if I could go back in time, I would have traveled to Yale and would have gone to this bar and convinced her to go back home before he even got there. I'd do anything to avoid this, I'd even kill him if I had to and we both know that I'm not aggressive at all. But there's literally nothing we can do now besides being here for her." Ashlyn said pulling Pinoe for a side-hug. 

"There's nothing I wouldn't do to take her pain away, to take off her scars, erase her memory from that night, or just give her at least one night of peaceful sleep. But all I can do is treat her the way she deserves, being patient and loving. I can give her some laughs, average meals, company to Netflix and chill and I can be the big spoon whenever she needs one. I can listen to her while she rants, I can play with her hair while she sleeps, I can pay for movie tickets, popcorn, candy, and Ice Cream. But I can't go back in time, I can't change what happened. And neither do you. We have to stick to doing all we can now, and I truly think this is enough." 

"Urgh, you're such a good therapist" Pinoe joked to break the tension. 

"I get that a lot." Ashlyn laughed "If you can help me show her that she's enough, that'd be great too" 

"Can you promise me you'll never hurt her?" Pinoe asked. 

"I can promise you I'll never intentionally hurt her, and I can promise I'll always do my best to make her happy" Ashlyn said honestly. 

"Ok, we can be friends now." Pinoe joked, making Ashlyn laugh.

 

//

Ali was laying on her couch wearing sweatpants and a sports bra, watching 'The Haunting of the Hill House'. She had texted Ashlyn telling her about her conversation with Pinoe but hadn't heard from the therapist yet. She decided to try again.

Ali: can you sleep here again? I decided to start this show and it's kind of scary, I might need you to keep the ghosts away while I get my beauty sleep.

Despite the name being 'The Haunting', Ali didn't expect to be this scared. She had even paused the episode a couple of times to calm down. Soon, she felt her phone vibrate. 

Ashlyn: are you dressed?

Ali: Partially… 

Ashlyn: Open the door then. 

Ali stood up and half-ran to the door, and got disappointed when she found the hallway empty. 

Ashlyn: you have to buzz me first. 

She laughed and buzzed the door downstairs. She stood by the threshold, waiting for Ashlyn. She heard her footsteps and got excited, but was so confused to see Pinoe's face first. 

"What are you doing here?" She asked. 

"I'm sooooo happy to see you too!" Pinoe exclaimed exaggeratedly 

"Hi babe!" Ashlyn greeted from behind. 

"What's going on?" Ali asked confused. 

"We-" Pinoe said pointing between her and Ashlyn "missed you a lot today. So we decided to stop by and see what you were up to" She said entering the apartment, leaving Ali and Ashlyn behind. 

"Hi, babe" Ashlyn said pulling her for a kiss. "Don't be mad, we just really missed you" she said smiling. 

"I'm not mad, just really confused. Did you see my message?" Ali asked. 

"Yes, she talked to me. I'll tell you everything about it later." Ashlyn pulled Ali inside. "You're half naked!" 

"I told you I was only partially dressed, which means half naked!" Ali laughed as the entered the living room. 

"well, i'm certainly not complaining," Ashlyn said kissing her again. 

"Can you guys stop and give me the attention I deserve?" Pinoe shouted from the couch. 

"I ordered some pizza and planned on watching this show, but it's too fucking scary" Ali said sitting on the couch, Ashlyn sat beside her. 

"Well, I'm up for some scares and pizza" Ashlyn said circling her shoulders with her arm. 

"And I'm up for some third wheeling" Pinoe said giving them a dramatic eye roll and making them laugh. 

 

Everything was going to be ok.


	14. Never What You're Looking For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time writing this one, I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Hopefully, you guys will enjoy it...
> 
> Be nice :)

Chapter 14 - Never what you're looking for. 

Ali jerked away from sleep. She had a nightmare, again. It was common for her, but these past ones had been much more intense than the usual. She felt her pajama damp in sweat sticking to her back, sweat drops falling from her brows. She took a few deep breaths to calm her heart, trying to focus on the movements her chest made. 

"Ali, you're safe" She heard Ashlyn saying from behind her. "Come back here, babe" She turned her head to find Ashlyn laying on her side, her head on the pillow. 

"I'm disgusting" Ali said pulling her shirt over her head.

"Disgustingly cute!" Ashlyn joked, moving to a sitting position. "You're sweaty babe, let me feel your temperature." She said putting her hand on Ali's forehead. "Yep, warm. I think you might have a fever, where's your thermometer?" She said getting off the bed. 

"In the bathroom, on the cabinet above the sink" Ali said laying back bed. Ashlyn came back with a thermometer in hand. 

"Ok, place this on your armpit"

"I know how to use a thermometer, babe" Ali rolled her eyes. 

"Let me take care of you, so ungrateful" Ashlyn joked back. 

"I don't think I'm sick, it's probably just the nightmare"

"I don't know, Als. It's a lot of sweat and you're very warm" The thermometer biped and Ali was indeed with a fever. "see? I'm a doctor" 

"Ok Ross Geller, I'm gonna take a Tylenol or something" Ali said raising. 

"I'm completely unaffected by this joke, given that both I and Ross Geller are indeed doctors." Ashlyn said laying back in bed. 

"You are, but saying 'I have a Ph.D' avoids getting mistaken for a medic" Ali said getting back in bed with a pill in hand. "Can you pass me the glass?" She said pointing to the glass full of water that was on the nightstand on Ashlyn's side. 

"It does, but it also makes me sound like a brat" Ashlyn said passing the glass. 

"So does saying you're a doctor when you only have a doctoral degree but aren't a medic!" Ali laughed. 

"So it's better if I don't say anything?" 

"I guess. Everyone knows you're a genius, Ashlyn" 

"Everyone I'm currently friends with, BUT what if I meet someone knew? How do I bring this up?" 

"Wait, you totally hit on girls telling them how many degrees you have, don't you?" Ali asked. 

"Of course not! I'm always hitting on you and how many times did I mention this?" Ashlyn was trying to keep some distance between them, she didn't want to warm Ali. 

"I think you said Ph.D., degrees and doctor a couple of a hundred times just on this conversation" Ali was having none of this distance thing, she laid her head on Ashlyn's chest. 

"I didn't and you know it. Are you sleepy?" Ali only nodded. "It's probably just a cold"

She played with Ali's hair until she fell asleep again. She fought hard to stay awake for a little longer, keeping track of lawyer's temperature. She was starting to drift off to sleep when heard Ali's voice.

"please stop" Ali whispered. Ashlyn searched for her face, trying to identify what she was talking about. "please!" she said again. Soon, Ashlyn realized she was still sleeping. She didn't know if she was supposed to wake her up or not. 

"Let me go" her voice was getting louder. Ashlyn felt her temperature, finding her even warmer. She decided to wake her up gently, not wanting to scare her. 

"Ali, it's just me, you're safe" Ali began to stir. "Love, listen to me: you're safe" 

"You're hurting me, let me go" Ali whispered again, and Ashlyn's heart broke for her. 

"Babe, you're free. No one can get you're here." She could feel Ali begin to sweat again, profoundly. Her attempts to wake her up gently were futile, but the way Ali was shaking indicated that she was going to wake up on her own. Ashlyn decided to continue playing with her hair and talking to her. "Als, you're ok. I won't hurt you"

"STOP" Ali jerked awake again, looking lost.

"It's just a nightmare, babe. He can't get you here" Ashyn said, sitting up again. She gave Ali some time to understand that she was in her bedroom, in her bed, with her girlfriend, safe. After some time watching Ali taking deep breaths, she layed her hand on her back.

"Hey, talk to me" She said gently. 

"How did you know it was about him?" Ali said, not moving. 

"You were talking, you told me to stop hurting you and let you go… I kind of assume" 

"I can't take these nightmares anymore" Ali said dropping her head on her hands. 

"It's probably related to the fever, I think it got higher" Ashlyn said getting the thermometer again.

"I feel sick" Ali said laying again. 

"You look sick" The therapist handed the thermometer. They waited for the bip in silence. When it came, Ashlyn was right, the fever got worse. "Ok, let's get you bathed and change the sheets" She stood up from the bed looking like she was on a mission.

"Don't wake Pinoe up" Ali asked. The blond was sleeping on the couch. 

"Ok, I'm gonna prepare you a bath and then change the sheets silently" Ashlyn entered the bathroom and turned the water on. She plugged the bath when the water temperature got just right. She went back to the bedroom and searched Ali's commode for another pajama. 

"What are you doing?" Ali asked from the bed, looking small. 

"I'm looking for clean pajamas, where do you keep them?" 

"Far drawer on the right"

She got new clothes and went back to the bathroom, finding the bath tube almost full. She turned off the water and went back to pick Ali up, bringing her almost bridal style. 

"Ok, get into the bathtub and tell me where I can find clean sheets"

"Wardrobe, it's on the third shelf" Ali said taking her bra off. 

Ashlyn left the room before Ali got further undressed. She found the sheets easily and grabbed some extra pillows as well. She took the sweaty ones off and disposed them on a pile by the bedroom door. She didn't want to leave the room and risk waking Pinoe up. She heard Ali calling for her quietly and went back to the bathroom. Ali was completely submerged, except for her shoulders. 

"Can you stay here?" she asked. 

"Sure" Ashlyn sat by the mat, propping her elbows on the edge of the bath. She watched Ali, who had her eyes closed. She seemed calmer now, and Ashlyn was glad. 

"Do you wanna see me naked?" Ali asked, still with her eyes closed.

"What?!" Ashlyn asked, blushing. 

"I need help getting up." Ali stated. 

"Sure, I mean, if you're comfortable with this" Ashlyn said, surprised.

"If you promise you won't pass out with my striking beauty" Ali smiled softly. 

"I think I can manage that"

"Ok, but get me the fluffy towel first" Ali said pointing to the white towel that was hanging behind the door. Ashlyn got it for her and stood near the bath, leaving the towel on the toilet seat not knowing what to do next. 

"Ash, give me a hand" Ali was having fun over her girlfriend's antics. 

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry" She moved closer to the bath and offered Ali a hand. She wasn't ready to what happened next: Ali used her hand as support to get up, standing fully naked right in front of a very stunned Ashlyn. 

The therapist had the hardest of times trying not to look anywhere other than Ali's eyes, but she could see her breasts with her peripheric vision, and that was enough to leave her paralyzed. 

"Babe, the towel" Ali said calmly, breaking Ash's trance. 

"I'm sorry!" Ashlyn said abruptly turning to get the towel again. She opened it wide, trying to cover as much of Ali's body as she could. Ali held the towel and smiled at Ashlyn. 

"Ash, you can look" She said. 

"You're sick and not thinking straight. Look, I got you clean underwear and clean pajamas and even got you socks and-" She ranted but got interrupted by Ali. 

"Ashlyn, look at me" Ali said dropping the towel. Ashlyn couldn't stop her eyes from taking her girlfriends naked form completely. Ali pulled her in for a kiss, crossing her arms on Ashlyn's neck. 

The therapist reciprocated the kiss but didn't move her hands. She wanted to touch Ali's skin more than anything, but the girl was sick and Ashlyn knew she wasn't actually ready for this. 

"Ash, just touch me, please." It was almost like Ali could read her mind. 

"I can't, Als" Ashlyn said honestly. 

"Why not?" Ali asked, feeling hurt. 

"Because you're sick, babe. And I don't think you're really ready for this" Ashlyn answered. "I really want to, I swear. It's just not the time"

"It's not like we're going to have sex right now, I just wanna feel like I'm yours, not his. Just so I don't have another nightmare" Ali said, almost pleading. 

Ashlyn could tell she meant it. But still, she didn't want her making this decision at a moment of weakness and then regret it. 

"Ash, please" Ali was feeling ridiculous. She was standing naked and sick in front of her first girlfriend ever, who was also the very first person to ever see her naked, and she had to basically beg her to touch her. She knew what she wanted. It wasn't sex or anything sexual, she just wanted Ashlyn's hands on her skin. It could be on her back, her arms, it didn't matter. 

"Come with me" Ashlyn said leading them back to the bedroom, forgetting the clean clothes completely. Ali noticed that not only she had changed the sheets, but she also got more pillows from the wardrobe and even used the special sheets perfume. 

They stood by the bed, Ali still completely naked.

"If you get uncomfortable, even in the slightest, let me know." Ashlyn said and proceeded to take her shirt off, slowly so Ali had time to change her mind. When she was shirtless, she checked Ali's eyes for any sign on discomfort but found them glued to her chest. She then took her sleeping shorts, also slowly, and stood completely naked right in front of Ali. 

She reached for Ali's hand and pulled her closer. Their hips and chests met, and Ali felt like her heart would burst out of her chest any second now, the fever wasn't the only reason for her body heat anymore. 

"You're not mine because you can't belong to someone. You're my girlfriend, you might be my fiance and wife someday, but I will have no right over you, no matter what the title is. No one - and that includes me - can force you into doing something. More importantly: Sex is not a way of claiming someone. Consensual sex doesn't make someone yours, non-consensual even less, ok?" Ashlyn was moving her hands up and down the girl's back. She waited for Ali to nod. 

"Now, I chose to be with you, in a relationship, and that makes me feel like I do belong to you. But I belong to this space that we created together and that we chose to maintain every day. This is our sacred place, this is where you belong." She found Ali's hand and interlaced their fingers. "I make this promise to you now: I will never hurt or disrespect you. It doesn't matter whatever state of undress you are, if you don't explicitly give me your consent, I won't touch you. Now, can I hug you?" Ashlyn finally asked.

"Please" Ali said emotionally. Ashlyn closed the space between them. Their chests were touching fully and Ashlyn laid her head on Ali's shoulder, taking in all the feels.   
Ali felt like she was going to burst any moment now. Her heart rate was through the roof, her temperature was dangerously high. She never felt like this before. She had kissed girls in college, but groping over the clothes was the closest she ever got to consensual intimacy. Now Ashlyn Harris, probably the most attractive person she ever met, the same person she felt this ridiculously high affection for, was naked in front of her. Not only that, but they were in this very tight embrace. She felt Ashlyn's hand running up and down her back, and closed her eyes, dropping her own hands to Ash's hips. 

"you're ok?" Ashlyn asked. 

"Honestly, I'm pretty sure I've never been better" Ali said against her neck.

"Do you wanna lay down?" Ashlyn stopped her hand's movements and just held her tight. 

"Yes" Ali answered. Ashlyn pulled back and helped her into a comfortable position.

"Wanna be the small spoon?" She asked, offering the space in her chest. 

"Always" Ali smiled. 

They layed there in silence, both enjoying their new intimacy. Ali waited for her body to react in some negative way, but it never came.

"Listen, I know I'm not what you were looking for-" she started. 

"Best things in life never are" Ashlyn interrupted her.

"What?"

"The best things in life, they're never what you're looking for. It's not even the fact that you had this horrible thing done to you, it's simply that I wasn't looking for a relationship. I wasn't deeply hurt by the end of my previous one, I just knew that it wasn't the right one for me and I just assumed that it would take a while for someone truly amazing to appear. I wasn't looking for a partner, but the best thing showed up" 

"So you're basically saying that you wanted to sleep around?" Ali joked. 

"Haha, no! I'm saying that I was simply not looking for it. It honestly feels like this is what was meant to be tho, even if I wasn't looking for it."

"You have a weird way of being romantic" Ali said nuzzling deeper in her chest. 

"You're the one who flirted with me using Freudian jokes." Ashlyn laughed. 

"It worked, didn't it?" Ali raised her head. 

"It surely did. That's a big ass tattoo you got there" Ashlyn said pointing to the tattoo on Ali's ribcage. 

"Yeah, I got it a few years ago, when I was learning German" Ali said running her hand over it. 

"It's beautiful… just like you" Ashlyn says running her thumb over Ali's cheek. 

"You're so cheesy" Ali laughed. 

"How are you feeling?" Ashlyn asks. With everything that just happened, she almost forgot that Ali was sick. 

"Horny" Ali deadpanned. 

"Alexandra!" Ashlyn exclaimed. 

"What? This is pretty much the first time I've ever been naked in bed with a woman, what else am I supposed to feel?" 

"So many things like 'Better from the fever' or 'sleepy as it's 3:45 in the morning', so many things" Ashlyn said looking over her watch. 

"Well, you make me feel hot." Ali said pulling Ashlyn for a deep kiss. They kiss for a while, both of them not letting their hands roam. 

"How terrible is it that the first time we see each other naked, Pinoe is sleeping in my living room?" Ali asks when they finally break the kiss. 

"Is that what you were thinking of while we were kissing?!" Ashlyn asked indignantly. 

"Of course not! But the things I was thinking of are so inappropriate for a situation like this" 

"We're naked! How inappropriate can it be?" Ashlyn couldn't contain her curiosity. 

"We're naked while my best friend is sleeping on my couch!" Ali laughed. 

"I'm not asking you to put any of those things in action, I just wanna know" Ashlyn pouted. 

Ali got closer to her ear and whispered: "I'll tell you on Friday."


	15. No one enjoys their first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut.
> 
> I don't know how to write smut, I don't really enjoy writing smut, but for character development reasons, I wrote smut.  
> I'm not sure how I feel about this either, but I hope you guys enjoy it. 
> 
> Be nice.

Ali only felt the symptoms of the cold for 2 days, but they were forced to adapt their dinner date plans. Ashlyn ended up cooking a soup recipe she found only that promised to cure any illness. As promised, on Friday morning Ali was feeling great. She and Ashlyn were meeting after work so they could go together to Pinoe's party

She was currently sitting with Janice at her office and couldn't focus on work at all. She had hinted Ashlyn that she might want to try to have sex tonight, and this is making her so nervous. She knows her girlfriend won't press her on this but, even though she's amazing, she's still human, which means she probably had some expectations, even if she doesn't let them show. 

"OK" Janice said all of a sudden, capping her pen and looking at Ali "What's wrong with the therapist?" She asks. 

"What? Nothing's wrong" Ali says confused. 

"Alexandra, you're causing a small earthquake with that leg, AGAIN. Check your phone to see if we got any natural disasters alerts." Janice says pointing to Ali's bouncing leg. 

"Urgh, nothing is wrong. It's just that we're going to a friend's party today and I'm going to stay over at her house" Ali confesses. 

"And you guys haven't fornicated yet?" Janice asks emotionless. 

"That's an interesting choice of words" Ali laughs. 

"Oh god Ali, sex, coitus, fornication, bang, nail, get some, shag, you get the fucking idea" Janice says rolling her eyes. 

"I do!" Ali laughing even harder. Janice stays still, clearly waiting for an answer. "No, we haven't"

"Well, Als, there's nothing to worry about. She has a pussy like all the other girls, I assume. Just do your thing!" Janice jokes. 

"The problem is I never had sex." Ali confesses. Even she is amazed by how much she's willing to share today. 

"You're joking, right?" The older lawyer looks stunned. 

"I'm not." Ali blushes a little. 

"Oh lord. Well, then just let her do her thing. I never had sex with a girl so there isn't much I can help you with, but I guess you should let her go first and then just do whatever she does" 

"Ok, this is worse than having the conversation with my mom, honestly. I'm gonna go back to work, k?" Ali goes back to her papers. 

"Oh no, I can't send you this raw to uncharted territories." Janice says fishing her phone out of her purse, that was hanging on the chair. 

"Please tell me you're not googling lesbian porn on my office" Ali closes her eyes.

"You damn right I am. Listen, you gotta have a little idea of what is going to happen" Janice explains typing on her phone. 

"Hunny I've known I'm gay since my freshman year in college. I'm watched plenty of lesbian porn before, I KNOW what it's like. I just don't know what to do!" Ali exclaims. 

"You might not wanna mention how much porn you watched before having actual sex."

"Can you stop making fun of me?" Ali asks honestly. "I'm just really insecure." 

"Ali, there's no need to feel this way. You're the most beautiful women I have ever seen, no kidding." 

"I'm afraid I'll freeze or something" Ali looks down at her lap. 

"You have to stop overthinking. It's just sex! It's good and everything but having Ice Cream is way better, I promise" Janice joked, making Ali laugh. 

"I really want it to be special." Ali blushes. 

"I promise you it will be, but remember: no one actually enjoys their first time. It's always clumsy and weird. You'll be fine!" 

// 

Ashlyn picked her up around 8 so they could go together. Ali had a duffel bag with her pajama, change of clothes for tomorrow and teeth brush, for her the size seemed reasonable. 

"Wow, are we going camping and I didn't get the memo?" Ashlyn says when she sees the bag. 

"Oh cmon, it's not that big. I'm only bringing the essentials." Ali justifies. 

"Did I forget to tell you that I have sheets and pillows at home? Because it seems like you're bringing some" Ashlyn jokes. 

"Keep that attitude and you'll be sleeping alone tonight" 

 

// 

Upon arriving at Pinoe's apartment, Ali heard a familiar laugh that she hasn't heard in a very long time. The minute Pinoe opened the door, she searched the room for the familiar face.

"Oh gosh, Natalie is here!" She squirms to no one. She bee-lines to the women. 

"Who's Natalie?" Ashlyn asks Pinoe. 

"A friend from Yale! I forgot to mention she was coming tonight. Anyway, how are you? It's been-" she glances her watch "3 hours since we last saw each other." 

"Except being completely forgotten by my girlfriend, I'm fine. And you?" Ashlyn asks laying a hand on her friend's shoulder. 

"I just spent 2 hours cleaning this place, so I'm already tired." Pinoe says making Ashlyn laugh. 

"Oh my god" Ali says when she's close enough to be heard. Natalie turns her head, already recognizing the voice. 

"Oh. My. God! If it isn't Ali Krieger herself!" The women exclaim. 

"Pinoe didn't tell me you were coming! I don't even remember the last time we saw each other" Ali says hugging her friend. 

"I think it was the last time I came to visit my brother….. like 2 years ago! How are you, girl?" 

"I'm good, I'm good" Ali says searching for Ashlyn "I think I left my girlfriend at the door but well, I'm good!"

"Girlfriend? That's a new one! Introduce to her!" Natalie exclaims sounding honestly surprised. 

"Well she became officially my girlfriend just this week but we have been seen each other for over a month now. She'll show up eventually but if you see a short-haired brunette with a tattoo sleeve, it's her. And how are things with you?" Ali says giving her full attention. 

"Well…. I'm engaged!" Natalie points to the ring on her finger.  
"Holy shit, since when? To Tomas?!" Ali asks.

"Since march! Of course to Tomas! We'll get married in February, you'll be getting your invitation soon." Natalie says still looking at her ring. 

"I'm so happy for you" Ali said honestly 

"I'm happy for you too, Als! This is the very first time you ever mention a significant other! Anyway, how's work?" 

 

//

Ashlyn is on the other side of the room watching Ali talking animatedly to a girl she assumed is Natalie. She smiles every time Ali gives the famous nose-crinkling smile.

"You're so in love" Whitney approaches her with two drinks in hand, offering one. Ashlyn accepts and takes a sip. 

"That's quite an assumption and I'd dare to say it's a little incorrect, but we're sure heading that way" Ashlyn admits. 

"Well, she is great. I just hope you know what you're doing" Whit takes a sip of her drink.

"What do you mean?" Ashlyn asks "I usually do." 

"I know, Ash. And it's been a while since you broke up with Steph, but you guys were together for so long, I just wanna make sure this isn't a rebound." Whitney shares her concerns. 

"I thought about it before our second date and honestly, officially Steph and I were together until 4 months ago but I had been feeling like we weren't for over a year before that. I just had the decency of acting like we were for longer than she did. I grieved our relationship before it even ended, you know?" Whitney nods, she gets what Ashlyn is saying completely, she was with her while all of this was happening. She wasn't truly concerned about this new relationship, she was just doing her job to check on Ashlyn every once in a while. 

"I gave this a thought before asking her to be my girlfriend and didn't see any reason to postpone what I was already sure I wanted. So here we are." Ashyn finishes.

"You're so rational sometimes. Well, I believe you. Just don't hurt here, ok?" 

"You're MY best friend, shouldn't this be reversed? You should be giving her the whole 'don't hurt my friend' talk, I already got it from Pinoe" Ashlyn joked. 

"Ashlyn, look at her." Whitney said nodding towards Ali, who was gesturing a lot while she spoke to her friend. She looks so genuinely happy that Ashlyn felt her heart bursting. "Does she look like she could ever hurt someone?" 

"To be honest I'm not sure she ever killed a mosquito" Ashlyn joked. 

"She doesn't need a best friend talk, she won't hurt you" 

 

"Wait, does that mean that you guys think I could hurt someone?" Ashlyn exclaims. 

"Of course not, Ash. But she deserves us being extra careful" Whitney gives her a blink. After that, Ashlyn decides to pay Ali a visit. 

//

"I see a short-haired hottie coming..." Natalie says. Ali turns around to find Ash heading towards them.

"Hi! I thought I had lost you forever" Ali says.

"I thought I should give you guys some time to catch up" Ashlyn explains.

"Well, Ash, this is Natalie, we went to Yale together. Nat, this is Ash" Ali introduces them. Ashlyn offers her hand to shake.

"Nice to meet you"

"Likewise!" Natalie shakes. Ashyn realizes she forgot her drink on the other side of the room.

"I'm gonna go get a drink, do you girls want something?" Ashlyn offers.

"Can you get me some water?" Ali asks. 

"Sure, babe" Ashlyn kisses her temple and leaves. 

 

"So, how did you guys meet?" Natalie asks.

"Funny enough, precisely at this very same spot, during Pinoe's last party. They work together at the university" Ali tells. 

"Oh, she's a psychologist? She doesn't look like one… but well, neither does Pinoe" Natalie laughs.

"That's what I said to her the night we met! But yes, she is. She's a researcher/teacher actually, but she has some patients" 

"Well, at least you can vent to her all you want! Or does she charge the hour?" Natalie jokes.

"Haha, no! She's a really good listener." Ali says turning to look for Ashlyn. She finds her pouring some water on a glass… while two beautiful girls talk to her. "I think I'm gonna go there." 

"Yeah, it might be good." Natalie laughs. 

// 

Ali has to sidestep a considerable number of people to get to Ashlyn, but she makes her way up to her like she's on a mission. She's not the jealous type usually, but those girls are too beautiful to not play safe, she thinks.

"Ashlyn" she says without touching her. She doesn't wanna look like she's marking territory or something, she usually judges partners that do that.  
"Ali! I'm so glad you're here. I was just telling..." She trails off looking at the girls.

"Samantha and Katherine" The tall blonde says. 

"Samantha and Katherine here that I do have a girlfriend and that no, I'm not making it up! So it's so convenient that you showed up! Girls, this is indeed my very real girlfriend" Ashlyn says pulling Ali closer gently. 

"Hello!" she greeted and they just waved, looking defeated. 

"Well, me and my girl here are gonna go dance. Bye-bye!" Ashlyn says leading them away from the pair. 

"That was so awkward! They thought you made me up?" Ali laughs

"I know! Apparently, that's something people do when they wanna turn them down" Ashlyn says handing her the glass. 

"Do you actually wanna dance or was it just a lame excuse?" Ali put her arms around Ashlyn's neck.

"I do" She said pulling Ali by the waist.

They dance together for a while, music isn't too loud but there are so many people talking around that it's almost impossible to hear each other. As time pass, more guests arrive and the room gets very crowded. Ashlyn keeps studying Ali's features searching for any sign of discomfort. When Ali looks a little uneasy, Ash asks:

"Hey, do you maybe wanna get going? I don't feel like staying much longer." She offers. 

"Yeah, it's getting too crowded for me" That's when Ashlyn realizes that Ali left the other party early as well. Knowing what she knows now, it makes sense. 

"Let's say goodbye to Pinoe and call an uber" 

They look for Pinoe, finding her seating on Sue's lap in the kitchen, talking to a group of girls, eating cake.

"ASHLYN! Just who I was looking for!" Pinoe greats "What's the name of that bakery we got your birthday cake from? I bought this cake but it isn't nearly as good and I SO disappointed" Pinoe says looking defeated. 

"I don't remember, you're the one who bought it" Ashlyn laughs. "Anyway, we came to say goodbye" 

"Ok bye" Pinoe goes straight back to her conversation about cake. 

They leave the apartment and call the uber from downstairs. While they're waiting, Ali replays the last conversation in her head.

"Hey, when is your birthday?" Ali asks. 

"October 19th" Ashlyn says tracking the driver on her phone.

"WHAT? ASHLYN! That was a week ago! Why didn't you tell me?" Ali asks indignantly. 

"Don't be mad, I just don't celebrate it. I don't even know how the guys from work found out. I got there and there was a cake! It's really not a big deal" Ashlyn shrugged her shoulders. 

"It is a big deal! celebrating your life is a big deal, Ash! I wish you would have told me" Ali pouts. 

"I'm sorry, really. I just don't see it as this big thing. But listen, you still can give me a present if you want to" Ashlyn jokes. 

Ali is still mad when they arrive at her apartment. Going up the stairs, she tries to understand why would Ashlyn fail to mention her fucking birthday. Not only did they see each other that day but Pinoe as well and the blonde never said anything. 

She forgets she mad when Ashlyn opens the door to her apartment and Ali's curiosity sparkles. It's very small: the kitchen and the living room share the same space and Ali knows from Ashlyn's comments that there's only one bedroom. She looks around and the room is 60% taken by books, there are more shelves than Ali can count. 

"You live in a fucking library" Ali says. 

"I do. I should probably get a kindle" Ashlyn watches as Ali takes the apartment in. 

"I could have gotten one for you… as a birthday present, you know" She's looking over the titles of some books that were sitting on a desk. She notices there are almost no picture frames around. 

"I can think of a couple of things you could give me instead" Ashlyn says circling her arms around Ali's waist from behind. She's careful to do it slowly so the lawyer isn't taken back to old traumas. She knows she's walking on a thin line, seeking so much physical contact and suggesting things, but she realized recently that treating Ali like she was asexual was wrong, as she had manifested her interest in having sexual experiences a couple of times already. 

Still, Ashlyn was always 100% focused on keeping an eye on Ali's reactions to every touch they share. She wanted to be ready to pull back at the very first sign of discomfort. 

With Ashlyn's comment, Ali turned in her arms and kissed her hard. They skipped 'normal' kissing and went straight to fighting for dominance. Ali could feel her body heat rising, as well as her nerves kicking in. Things got very heated when Ashlyn dropped her hands to her ass. It warmed Ali's heart to notice how slow Ashlyn did these things, always making sure Ali had time to process. 

She decided to focus on getting Ashlyn naked. She knew she sounded like a hormonal teenager but ever since that night when they slept naked, Ali couldn't stop thinking about Ashlyn's naked form. She had to be the most beautiful human being on earth. Ali tugged her t-shirt, trying to let her know what she wanted, and Ashlyn got the message. She took off her shirt and attacked Ali's neck for a second, but decided to check in with Ali first. 

"Will you tell me if anything doesn't feel good?" She asked pulling back.

"Yes, honey. Now go back to what you were doing" Ali said fumbling to find Ashlyn's pants button. She couldn't flawlessly get it open tho, and Ashlyn had to help her. She dropped her pants and kicked them out, completely aware that she was half naked and Ali was fully clothed. She went back to kissing her mouth but Ali wanted to kiss her neck instead. 

She ran her hands through Ali's hair while the girl kissed her throat. She wanted to let her try everything she felt like doing, but her desire to see Ali naked was huge. She found the hem of her shirt and tugged it. When Ali didn't move, she asked.

"Als, can I get your shirt off?" Ali stopped what she was doing immediately and took her shirt off, followed by her shoes and jeans, looking impatient. 

"Wow, so romantic" Ashlyn joked. For a second Ali worried that she might have done something wrong, but noticed the smirk on Ashlyn's face. 

"I just really wanna kiss your breasts" Ali deadpanned. Ashlyn already had noticed that, opposed to her shy and insecure usual self, when it came to taking action, Ali was really verbal about what she wanted. 

"Let me take you to the bedroom then" Ashlyn took her hand and lead them to the bedroom. Looking her from behind, Ali noticed a medium-sized scar on Ashlyn's right shoulder blade. It looked like she was burned. She decided not to mention anything not to break the moment. 

Ashlyn layed them in bed over the blankets and they finished taking off their clothes, this time helping each other. The minute her sports bra was over her head, Ali's lips were attacking her nipples. Ash knew Ali had 0 sexual experiences but she did everything in such intensity that it all felt so good. She got lost at the contact for a second and forgot what she wanted to do, only being reminded by a moan escaping Ali's lips.

She pushed Ali down gently and started kissing her breasts, alternating between sucking and lapping on her nipples. Ali's moans were loud and only fueled her desire to make the lawyer enjoy every second of this. 

Ali tangled her fingers on Ashlyn's hair. She felt like she had lost control over her body and her skin was on fire. She felt so good she even forgot why she was nervous before. She wasn't even sure her heart should be beating this fast. 

"Can I touch you?" Ashlyn asks gently and Ali nods. She feels ready, but the prospect of being touch this intimately by Ashlyn brought her nerves back. 

"Hm I didn't shave or anything, I'm so-" Ashlyn interrupts her with a kiss. 

"You're perfect, Ali" She assures her, connecting their lips again. She trails her hand down slowly, feeling the little bumps of Ali's scars. She lays her hand over her pussy without touching the folds to give Ali some time to process everything. The lawyer is absolutely petrified but not out of fear, it's out of pleasure. Her legs are shaking, Ashlyn hasn't even truly touched her yet and she's pretty sure she's already dripping. 

Ashlyn gets nervous. She really wants to make this special for Ali but doesn't quite know what to do now. She knows some victims of sexual abuse have a hard time getting aroused, so she knows she has to be extra careful and make sure Ali is enough lubricated so she doesn't hurt her. 

She runs her finger lightly through Ali's folds and the girl moans louder. She tightly holds Ashlyn's shoulder and stops kissing her completely. 

"Are you ok?" Ashlyn checks. Ali only nods, she's no longer able to form sentences. Ashlyn runs her finger from her clit to her entrance a couple of times, driving Ali crazy. She then slowly pushes one finger into her but stops when she feels Ali's hand holding her wrist. She isn't sure what Ali is feeling, so she waits for some sign or instruction.

Ali feels a mixture of pain and pleasure. She knows her pussy is… tight. She never had anything penetrate her other than that one time she didn't have a say in, so even just one finger is enough to hurt her. She also knows it's normal to feel a little pain, the problem is that in this case pain brings back memories. She opens her eyes to find Ashlyn looking at her, worried. She's holding her hand tightly, and Ashlyn hasn't removed her finger yet. 

"Hurts" is all she can say. She shuts her eyes close, trying to hold back the tears that are forming rapidly.

"I'm sorry, babe" Ashlyn says removing her hand. She clumsy cleans her finger on the sheets and lays beside Ali. She hasn't opened her eyes yet, so Ashlyn kisses her temple and caresses her cheek with her thumb. "Als, look at me". Ali turns a bit and open her eyes, but doesn't meet Ashlyn's. Instead, she keeps them down. 

"I'm sorry" she finally says after some time. 

"For what?" Ashlyn asks.

"For stopping you. We were so close" she begins to cry. 

"Exactly, babe. Look how far we got! you should be proud of yourself" Ashlyn says. She wanted to go further, but respecting Ali's pace was the most important thing in the world for her right now, and she was honestly proud of the girl. 

"But I wanted to cum so bad" Ali half-jokes. She's sad, but Ashlyn's words resonated with her. For someone that normally freezes when touched below the waist, she did well. 

"Ha! And I really wanna make you cum. But there can't be pain involved, love. Besides, I can make you cum without penetration" Ashlyn says. 

"But then it's not sex" 

"Of course it's sex! If we work together to pleasure each other, it's sex." Ashlyn explains, pulling Ali closer to her chest and starts playing with her hair. They remain in silence for a while. 

"What's this scar on your back?" Ali asks. 

"Which one?" 

"You have more than one? I only noticed the burn one." She looks up to Ashlyn. 

"Have you ever heard of Freud's theory on coincidences?" Ashlyn asks casually. 

"Yeah, what does it have to do with your scar?"

"You just learned that I don't celebrate my birthday and later on asks about the scar that is the reason why I don't celebrate, even though I have at least other 5 scars that are considerably bigger. " 

"Hm, so what's the story behind this one?"

"The day I turned 10, I was running around the house shirtless like I always did. My mom was ironing some clothes. It was late, like 9 pm or something, and we hadn't done anything for my birthday yet. I was kind of expecting something, obviously. So I went to ask my mom if there was any cake for me and she started yelling saying I was ungrateful and didn't deserve one. I just turned my back to leave and she hit me with the iron. I don't think she actually wanted to hurt me like this or something, but she was probably on drugs and the iron was what she had in hand. It wasn't even that strong but was really really hot. I just never asked for a cake again" Ashlyn tells. 

Ali stares at her, not knowing what to say. She knew Ashlyn had had a troubled childhood, but this was something else. 

"And the others?" Ali asks, almost whispering. 

"I know there's two that are from when my father hit me with his belt, my grandmother had to take me to get stitches. The other ones I'm not sure, they were constantly beating me for no reason so it's hard to know which one is from what"

"Oh Ashlyn, that's abuse" Ali says trying to hold the tears. She couldn't deal with the image of a small Ashlyn going back to her room, with her burned shoulder, just wanting to be celebrated with a fucking cake. 

"I know" is all Ashlyn says. 

"I'm really sorry" 

"Don't be! I turned out just fine." Ashlyn pulls her for a hug. 

"When was the last time you saw them?" Ali asks.

"Before I went to college. I dropped by to tell them I got into Harvard and was leaving in a few days. They didn't seem impressed at all. I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my grandma but they never show up so..." 

"Oh babe" Ali says visibly sad. 

"Hey, to be sad! It's fine. I'm fine! I was sad for a long time, it sucks when your parents don't show up at your graduation in fucking Harvard but believe me, I worked really hard to come to terms with it."

"But you still don't think you deserve a cake." Ali points out.

"Well, yeah. I guess I don't" Ashlyn said shrugging her shoulders. 

"But you do, Ash. You deserve all the cake in the world" Ali feels so sad for the therapist.

"Tell you what: I'll believe you when you believe me that you deserve to be happy, ok?" Ashlyn asks.

"Haha, what a duo we are" Ali jokes.

"You know what else we are?" Ashlyn asks. "Naked". She leans in and trail kisses down Ali's neck. Their conversation didn't set a sexual mood at all but Ashlyn isn't ready to lose an opportunity like this. Neither is Ali, who moans at the contact and gently guides Ashlyn's head to her nipples.

"I love your breasts" Ashlyn says before taking one nipple in her mouth. Ali is enjoying it but decides to take action. She turns them so she's straddling Ash's waist. The therapist moans when she feels Ali's folds touching her abs. She lawyer kisses her throat and chest. 

"Fuck Al" she moans. 

"Can I touch you?" Ali asks, and Ashlyn finds it adorable that she wants to check too. 

"Please." Ashlyn begs, it's been a long time for her.

Ali keeps her assault to Ashlyn's chest while trailing her hand down her torso. She tries to match what Ash did to her before and finds her incredibly worked up. Ashlyn keeps in mind that this is all new to Ali. 

"Hey, take your time" She says gently making Ali smile. She pushes a finger inside, watching Ashlyn's face closely. She starts pumping slowly, being careful not to hurt her girlfriend. "Add another finger, babe" Ashlyn asks and Ali obeys. She also starts picking up her pace, pumping faster. 

Ashlyn can't tell what feels better: Ali inside of her or the way she's looking at her, completely admired by Ashlyn's pleasure. Ali doesn't even look as lost as she expected her to be. Soon her thoughts get fogged by pleasure and all she can do is ask Ali to add one more. Moans escape her mouth effortlessly. She tries to hold back her orgasm and long as possible, wanting to make this last for Ali, but when the lawyer leans forward and whispers "Cum for me" on her ear, it's impossible to do anything else. Her whole body shakes as she cums. 

"Oh Lord" she tries to catch her breath and Ali lays on her. She runs both her hands up and down her back. 

"Thank you" Ali says against her chest. 

"Hey, I'm the one that should be thanking you!" Ashlyn laughs. She keeps running her hands. "Al, come here" Ashlyn asks. Ali raises her head to kiss her again, still straddling her lap. Ashlyn pushes her a little so they are sitting and she has easy access to Ali's breasts. She sucks and bites her nipples a couple of times, making the lawyer moan. 

"Do you wanna try something different?" Ashlyn asks.

"Like what?" Ali feels her body waking up again.

"Like sitting on my face" Ashlyn suggests. She figured that this would be the position in which Ali had total control over the situation and she didn't have to penetrate. 

The idea of sitting on Ashlyn's face sends a new wave of pleasure through Ali's body. She leans forward to kiss her again. "Are you sure?" She asks. 

"Yep" Ashlyn answers popping the 'p'. 

Ali leaned to kiss her again and repositioned her hip on Ashlyn's face with help from the therapist. They kept their eyes locked while Ali lowered on her lips. She used the headboard as support, but the moments Ashlyn's lips met hers, she knew she'd need more.

"Holy shit" she grasped. She held tightly, her knuckles getting white. 

Ashlyn was mindful to just suck on her clit and run her tongue from it to her entrance, not wanting to hurt Ali at all. But looking at her face, she could see pain was the last thing she was feeling. She speeded up a bit and Ali immediately tugged her hair. 

Ali was pretty sure she had never felt like this before, her body was shaking. In the beginning, she was being mindful of not letting her whole weight on Ashlyn's, but that was completely forgotten by now. All she wanted was more, she was full on straddling Ashlyn's face. It doesn't take long for her to cum, but when she does, her eyes get glassy with tears as she falls over Ashlyn again. 

She lays there on her chest, trying to catch her breath. After a few moments, she raises her head to kiss Ashlyn, tasting herself. 

"Are you always this good or is it just because I don't have any parameters?" Ali says drying a lone tear.

"Haha! not to brag or anything but I used to get a lot of compliments" Ashlyn says caressing Ali's back. 

"You're something else, Ashlyn Harris" 

"But you like it, right?" Ashlyn asks.

"I don't know yet. I might need more time to be sure" Ali jokes. Ashlyn smiles and keeps caressing her, looking at the ceiling, trying to organize her thoughts. 

"Thank you for trusting in me, Als" Ashlyn says after a while. 

"Thank you for being patient" Ali sais running her hand up and down Ashlyn's ribcage, paying extra care to her tattoos. 

"You know what… I think we make a great duo" Ashlyn says. 

"I think so too." Ali is almost drifting off to sleep. 

"How are you feeling?" Ashlyn checks. 

"Sleepy" Ali confesses. Ashlyn smiles, she half expected Ali to be more excited than that, but it makes her happy that she's relaxed to the point of feeling sleepy. "I'm happy, Ash. I feel blessed that my first time was great" it means a lot to Ashlyn that Ali is no longer considering the abuse sex. "But this whole cumming thing is exhausting." Ali completes with her eyes closed. 

"It is, babe. Get some sleep, my love" Ashlyn says smiling at the girl. When Ali doesn't answer, she figures she finally slept. She's so high on adrenaline that it takes her a while to feel sleepy as well. 

All of a sudden, she feels Ali moving. 

"Oh, and Ash: I'm in lesbians with you" She says pointing to the three volumes of "Scott Pilgrim" on a shelve by the window, without even opening her eyes. Ashlyn smiles widely, she truly believes that Ali is the cutest human being alive. 

"I'm in lesbians with you too, Alexandra"


	16. You better get used to it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More smut on this one. I'm still terrible at writing it. 
> 
> Also, I made a Tumblr! If you wanna ask me anything, "fromsp-withlove.tumblr.com"
> 
> Anyway, be nice! :)

Ali woke up to find Ashlyn also awake, looking right back at her. She could tell Ashlyn had just wake up as well. They laid there, studying each other’s features, in complete silence. Ali studied Ashlyn’s freckles, almost one by one. Then she paid close attention to her nose, the little - almost imperceptible - movements her nostrils made with each breath, then the fine lines on her lips, the color of her iris, the design of her eyebrows and her hairline. She already knew that Ashlyn Harris was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, but her face, kissed by the sunlight that escaped the curtains of Ashlyn’s room, had a special beauty. 

Those lips had touched her last night in the most private way. Those lips had touched her nipples, her breasts, her scars, her other lips. They had tasted her, ate her, made her feel whole, made her forget. She couldn’t say Ashlyn had fixed her, seen that she wasn’t broken in the first place, but she had taken Ali out of the dark corner she was hiding, 

Ashlyn was doing the same, but mostly focusing on the little faint scar on Ali’s hairline. It was so small that she had only noticed after Ali pointed out, but the size didn’t reflect the story behind. Laying there, in front of Ali, Ashlyn couldn’t believe her luck. This women laying there, so close to her, had to be some kind of goddess. Everything about her was incredible in its own unique way, from the color of her eyes to the expression marks adorning her nose, the result of her nose crinkling smile. She was such a precious human being that Ashlyn just couldn’t believe someone would ever be able to hurt her. But the scar was still there, on her hairline, reminding her that Ali had gone through a lot but still chose to open up to her, to let her touch her, to kiss her and to love her. Ashlyn was definitely lucky, and right there, she made a promise: she would forever do everything in her power to make Ali happy. 

Ali placed her hand on Ashlyn’s cheek, caressing her with her thumb with such tenderness that Ashlyn almost cried, but stuck to just mirroring the action. They held each other’s faces, caressing and touching their favorite details. She whole moment was so special that neither dared to speak. 

Ali felt her whole body tingling, Ashlyn looked so so beautiful that she couldn’t spend another minute without kissing her. She leaned in slowly, looking into Ashlyn’s eyes until the very last second before their lips touched. It was such a light kiss but the moment was charged with intensity, and it ended up meaning the world for both of them. When they parted, Ali leaned in to kiss Ashlyn’s forehead.

“Thank you” She said against her skin. Holding Ashlyn in her arms made her feel like she was holding the world’s most precious treasure. 

“For what?” Ashlyn asked nuzzling her head onto Ali’s chest. 

“For being you, I guess” Ali was running her fingers through Ashlyn’s hair. “For not giving up on you or on me, for being so patient and such a great partner. For respecting me. Basically, for being you” 

“Respecting you is the minimum I should do as a human being, Ali. You shouldn’t thank me for that” 

“I know, but not everyone does it. I guess I’m somehow thanking the universe for putting you in my life.” Ali said making Ashlyn giggle. 

“Well, I thank the universe for that as well.” Ashlyn raised her head a bit so she could see Ali’s eyes. “How are you feeling? Did you sleep well?” 

“The way I’m feeling right now can only be described as: I just woke up after having sex with my girlfriend who happens to be the sexiest women I have ever met” Ali joked. 

“That’s funny, I’m feeling like that too.” Ashlyn laughed. She leaned in to kiss Ali again, this time letting her lips linger a little longer. 

“I’m sorry for not letting you penetrate me” 

“Oh Ali, don’t ever apologize for that, babe. If it makes you feel better, I personally prefer doing oral” Ashlyn confesses pulling Ali closer. They tangled their legs together, and Ali feels her body getting hotter. 

“Why?” She asks. 

“I don’t know, I guess it’s because it makes me feel closer to you. It’s more intimate” Ashlyn explains. 

“Makes sense, I think it’s the most intimate you can get, right?” 

“Maybe, I think some people would say it’s anal but I think both are pretty intimate” Ashlyn runs her hand over Ali’s arm. 

“Have you tried it?” Ali asks curiously. 

“Anal? Yes. I mean, I’ve always been pretty open to trying whatever the other person involved wanted to try, so except for sadomasochism and like, those super gross stuff, I’ve tried a lot of things.” Ashlyn tells her. Ali seems deep in thought for a while, so Ash waits for her. 

“I don’t like anal.” She finally says. Ashlyn immediately feels like she had been punched in the stomach, not because of Ali’s dislike, but because of the meaning behind it. She knew she got it right the minute she saw the look on Ali’s face, she seemed honestly sad. 

She looked at the little scar on her hairline, then her eyes, the scars on her abdomen, her entire naked form. Then back to her eyes, and said the only thing she could think of: “Honestly, me neither.” Ali laughed. 

“Do you wanna have a shower before getting breakfast?” the lawyer offered. 

“Only if you shower with me” Ashlyn suggests with a smirk on her lips. Ali rolls her eyes and throws the blankets away, leaving the bed. She’s almost at the bathroom door when she looks back to find Ashlyn laying in bed still, one arm behind her head, studying Ali’s body. 

“Well, what are you waiting?” She asks. Ashlyn stands up and half-runs towards her, circling her waist and picking her up. 

Ashlyn puts her down when they enter the bathroom and tells her to sit on the toilet and wait. She hops onto the bathtub and lets the faucet fall from the shower head. Ali watches as she tries to find the perfect temperature.

“Ashlyn, I’m not picky. As long as it’s not cold, I’ll be fine.” She says. 

“I don’t wanna mess up with that skin” Ashlyn says pointing to Ali and making her laugh. “Ok, feels right.” She says offering Ali a hand, who takes it. 

She doesn’t quite know what to do next. She’s not used to seeing Ashlyn naked yet, so it’s still very overwhelming and her body reacts to it. She pulls Ashlyn for a kiss by the back of her neck. It’s deep and intense. Ashlyn is quick to reciprocate and soon their hands are roaming. They get lost in the contact, both getting very worked up. Ashlyn pushes Ali against the shower wall under the water, but pulls back when Ali holds her shoulders still. 

“Are you ok?” She checks, trying to find any sign of discomfort on Ali’s face.

“I am, just don’t push too hard, ok?” Ali asks. Ashlyn smiles and leans in to gently kiss her. 

They pick up their previous pace, tangling their legs together. Ali feels Ashlyn’s tight against her core and she’s sure she’s dripping all over her, just like she feels Ashlyn dripping on her own tight. They move together, trying to please each other, building up the moment. When this is not enough, Ashlyn lowers her hand to find Ali’s clit and begins to rub it gently. 

Ali throws her head back in pleasure, her moans muffled by the water falling over them. She loses her train of thought for a moment, but Ashlyn’s own moans bring her back. 

“Can we come together?” Ali asks. With her free hand, Ashlyn reaches for Ali’s hand and guides it to her clit, answering her question. Ali mimics her movements, and soon their moans become louder than the shower. 

When she feels that Ali is close, Ashlyn leans in to kiss her harder, boosting her orgasm. Feeling Ali come on her leg is everything she needs to come as well. Ali hugs her tighter, and she listens to her trying to catch her breath. 

“My legs can’t stand much longer, can we fill the bathtub?” Ali asks. 

“Everything for you, my queen.” Ashlyn says. She crouches to close the lid and open the bathtub tap, then turns off the shower. 

They sit on the bathtub, watching it fill up, holding each other. Ashlyn lays her head against Ali’s chest, paying attention to her breathing movements. 

“You know, I kind of had given up on dating. I just assumed that I’d never find someone that I’d trust.” Ali says. Ashlyn feels like she has more to say, so she waits. “I just… I feel safe with you. I don’t feel safe with anyone else, not even Pinoe, who is my best friend in the world, or my brother, who I love so much. And it’s not like I think they’d, I don’t know, sexually abuse me or anything, I don’t. But I just feel uneasy, not as much as I do if other people, but the feeling is still there, at least in the back of my head.” She confesses. 

“But when I’m with you, I feel safe. Even when you penetrated me and it hurt, I knew you’d stop. Or now, when you pushed me against the wall, I knew you would stop the minute I told you so. It’s not just that I feel safe, I know I’m safe, and this is such a new feeling for me.” 

Ashlyn smiles at her “Well, you better get used to it”. 

// 

They spend a good 20 minutes in the bath, helping each other get clean. They cook breakfast together (Ali does most of the cooking) and enjoy their food sitting on the couch. 

Ashlyn papers to grade, so Ali decides to choose a book to read while she works, but it’s nearly impossible with such vast possibilities, Ashlyn ends up having to help her. 

Ali is fascinated by the way Ashlyn talks about her books, with makes her decision worse. She ends up choosing the "Underground Railroad". They sit on the couch again, Ashlyn with the papers laid on the coffee table and holding the one she’s currently grading, while Ali is laying on the couch with her feet rested on Ashlyn’s lap. 

That’s how they spend their morning, stealing glances of each other here and there, sharing something interesting from what they’re reading from time to time, but mostly just enjoying being close to each other. 

Ashlyn eventually gets tired and lays on top of Ali, resting her head on her chest. It’s usually Ali who takes this position, so she enjoys this different dynamic. 

“Read for me” Ashlyn asks, closing her eyes. 

“They crossed the meadow whose soil was too thin for planting and entered the swamp. It had been years since Cora had played in the black water with the other pickaninnies, scaring each other with tales of bears and hidden gators and fast-swimming water moccasins.” She read, running her fingers through the short hairs on Ashlyn’s neck 

“Men hunted otter and beaver in the swamp and the moss sellers scavenged from the trees, tracking far but never too far, yanked back to the plantation by invisible chains. Caesar had accompanied some of the trappers on their fishing and hunting expeditions for months now, learning how to step in the peat and silt, where to stick close to the reeds, and how to find the islands of sure ground.” Soon, she noticed Ashlyn had fallen asleep in her chest. She took some time to just enjoy this moment, having Ashlyn so close and cozy, trying to match their breathing. It didn’t take long for her to fall into sleep as well. 

//  
Ali woke up with the buzzing noise of her phone vibrating against the coffee table. Ashlyn said something about ‘making it stop’ but her voice was muffled against Ali’s chest. The reached blindly for her phone and pressed green when she saw her brother’s face on the screen. 

“Hi” she greeted groggily. 

“Tell me you weren’t sleeping” Kyle said from the other side of the line.

“I wasn’t sleeping” Ali said watching Ashlyn begin to stir. 

“Alexandra, it’s almost lunchtime” Kyle exclaimed. 

“I wasn’t actually sleeping, just taking a nap with Ash” She smiled when the therapist looked up to her. 

“Oh, I see how this is. Don’t you lesbians have something better to do on Saturdays?” 

“Nope” She says popping the p. Ashlyn begins to lazily kiss her neck. “Definitely not”

“Ok… Anyway, I’m calling so we can coordinate our highly expected arrival for Thanksgiving. We can get flights that arrive around the same time and Uber together to Mom’s house”

“Yeah sounds good. Can I talk to you later tho? I’m kind of in the middle of something now” Ali says when Ashlyn starts kissing her chest close to the neckline of her shirt. 

“Bitch what? You were sleeping not even 5 minutes ago. You know what? I don’t even wanna know. Call me when you’re not being gross anymore!” Kyle says. 

“Bye, I love you” Ali says before turning off, not waiting for a response. Ashlyn has her hands under her shirt now. “Babe” Ali says trying to get her attention. 

“Hm?”Ashlyn asks against her skin. 

“How are you spending Thanksgiving?” Ali asks. 

“What?” The therapist was so focused on Ali’s body she lost the question. 

“Thanksgiving, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?” The lawyer tries again. 

“I’ll probably stay here” Ashlyn says sitting up. 

“Do you wanna come home with me?” 

“To your mother’s house?” Ashlyn checks “Ain’t she gonna kill you for bringing someone on a short notice?” 

“Ash, there’s almost a month until Thanksgiving! That’s definitely the opposite of ‘short notice’ And no, she’s really excited to meet you actually” 

“Ok then” Ashlyn says leaning in again to continue what she was doing before. 

“That’s it?” Ali laughs. 

“Yeah, what was it that you said to your brother? ‘I’m kind of in the middle of something’” She said while raising Ali’s shirt a little. The lawyer was actually very impressed with her abilities to make things sound sexy but make her feel secure and not pressured at all. 

“What do you want, Ashlyn Harris?” 

“I wanna eat you out” Ashlyn said hooking her fingers on Ali’s pants. “Can I?” Ali only nodded. She pulled her pants and panties down slowly, with a little help from the brunette. She pulled her legs and placed them over her shoulders, positioning herself between Ali’s legs, so close to her core she could smell her scent. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop” She said closing the distance between her mouth and her clit. She notices for the first time a thin white scar crossing Ali’s lips. She remembers the girl telling her about the 6 stitches she got there. 

“Just eat me, Ash” Ali said tugging on her hair. Seeing this scar was just a reminder of how lucky she was that Ali trusted her. She wanted to convene her gratitude by making her come, hard. She wanted to do it slowly, so she started by just lightly touching her with the tip of her tongue, but Ali’s moans made her throw her plans away and take her folds completely into her mouth. She then paid special attention to her clit, which drove Ali wild. She closed her eyes to fully absorb the moment, but Ali wanted something else. 

“Ashlyn, look at me” Ali said tugging her hair. They locked eyes and Ali came, moaning Ashlyn’s name so loud she was sure her neighbors heard it. With her body shaking uncontrollably, Ali tried to catch her breath. Ashlyn just lays her head on Ali’s tight, watching her, trying to keep her heartbeat in check. 

“You’re really good at this” Ali finally says after some time. She pulls Ashlyn to her chest, just wanting to feel her warmth. Ashlyn laughs and leans in to give her soft kisses. 

“You make me better” Ashlyn says between kisses. 

“You know what I could totally use right now?” Ali asks while caressing her cheek. “Birthday cake” 

//  
It takes some convincing, but Ashlyn ends up agreeing on going out to buy a birthday cake. They spend a solid 15 minutes doing some online research and found a Bakery that offered dairy-free and gluten-free goods. 

“By the Way Bakery” was a little bit far from Ashlyn’s apartment, so they took the subway and walked a few blocks. Ali was buzzing with excitement. She knew this was an overreaction, as they were just buying a cake, but since last night she couldn’t stop thinking about the young Ashlyn Harris that just wanted some birthday cake. She wanted to celebrate her girlfriend, even if it was a week later. 

But it wasn’t just the cake itself. It was the way Ashlyn held her close while they were waiting at the subway station, how she held her hand when they were walking, how she always tried to keep some kind of physical contact. How she leaned close to her ear every time she wanted to say something, regardless of how little it was. Ashlyn seemed proud of being with her. 

When they finally got to the bakery, Ali knew they had made the right choice. The front was painted in yellow was mostly a huge window. They had an old wood bench in front and a little bell above the entrance door. They entered and were immediately hit with the smell of baked goods. 

“Ok, I’m so excited now” Ashlyn said seeing all the cakes, cupcakes and other goods. There was a sign right above the display that said ‘ALL OUR PRODUCTS ARE DAIRY-FREE AND GLUTEN-FREE’. “I can eat any of these!” She said gesturing to literally everything. 

“I mean, just because it’s dairy-free it doesn’t mean that you won’t have a stomachache. It’s a lot of sugar anyway, love.” Ali said but the Ashlyn’s childlike excitement was warming her heart. “And we’re here to buy you ONE birthday cake” 

“But how can we be sure about each one we want if we don’t at least try all of them?” Ashlyn argued. 

“Ashlyn…” Ali laughed. When an employer asked what they were looking for, Ali explained that they needed the best birthday cake ever. The girl, Hannah, went on and on about all the different kind of birthday cakes they had, always giving Ashlyn a small piece to try. 

They settled for a cake called “The M”, which was basically vanilla layers with chocolate frosting. Hannah went to the kitchen to grab a fresh one and they stood there studying the cupcakes. Ashlyn made a comment or two about how she might be developing a small "stomach cake" and Ali laughed, pulling her for a hug. 

That’s when they heard a shy “Hi” coming from the door. Ashlyn knew right away who that voice belonged to. 

Steph was standing by the door, a girl that looked a lot like Ashlyn stood behind her.


	17. In portuguese we say 'rebuceteio' and I think that's beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry it took me this long to update, but between Finals and going back home for the holidays I had absolutely no time to write. I hope this extra long chapter makes up for the waiting time. 
> 
> I wanted to get this out as fast as I could, so I didn't check my spelling or grammar, so I'm so sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Be kind :)

That’s when they heard a shy “Hi” coming from the door. Ashlyn knew right away who that voice belonged to. 

Steph was standing by the door, a girl that looked a lot like Ashlyn stood behind her. 

“Hi!” Ashlyn greeted Steph, her arm draped around Ali’s shoulder. She didn’t seem to bother AT ALL that her ex-girlfriend was there with possibly the girl she had cheated her with. If she was being honest, the last 24 hours had her on cloud nine. She couldn’t care less for Steph, she was getting dairy-free birthday cake with Ali, nothing could bother her. 

Ali, on the other hand, was nervous. First, because she had seen pictures of Steph, she even had liked one of her pictures in accident so she probably knew who she was. And second, Steph was even more beautiful in person. 

“Steph, this is Ali. Ali, this is Steph” Ashlyn introduced. Ali felt her limbs going stiff. She had no idea how to behave in this kind of situation. She managed a small smile, but that was it. 

Steph smiled too, crossing her arms on her chest. She took some steps on their direction. “What are you doing here?” She didn’t sound mad, just curious. 

“Buying cake!” Ashlyn said excitedly. 

“Birthday cake” Ali completed, smiling at her girlfriend. 

“Oh, and whose birthday is it?” Ali couldn’t tell if Steph was studying her or both of them. There was something about her that made her feel uneasy, something other then being Ashlyn’s ex-girlfriend. 

“Mine” Ashlyn answers proudly, making Steph scoff. 

“Ashlyn, your birthday was last week. Besides, you don’t celebrate it” She says with a little smirk on her lips. It seamed like she was trying to show how much knowledge she held about Ashlyn. 

“I know, but I felt like celebrating it today.” Ashlyn explained. Ali didn’t understand why Steph sounded so aggressive and why Ashlyn was being so patient with her. 

“Yeah, ok” Steph laughed. “Well, we’re trying this new gluten-free diet so Jane and I love this place” She said, acknowledging the girl behind her for the first time. 

“Yeah we came here because they have dairy-free cakes” Ali said. She just wanted this interaction to be over as quick as possible. 

“Oh yeah, you’re intolerant!” Steph exclaimed looking at Ash, purposely ignoring Ali. Hannah came back from the kitchen carrying a box. 

“Ok Girls, your total is 27.89” Hannah said going to the register. “What’s your payment method?” 

“Oh, that’s my cue” Ali said getting out of Ashlyn’s embrace. “Excuse me” 

“So, I assume you’re dating her” Steph said starring into Ashlyn’s eyes when Ali was out of reach. 

“Yeah. She’s great” Ashlyn said smiling, to which Steph smirked again. “What?” Ash asked, sensing that the lawyer wanted to say more. 

“Nothing… I did some research on her after that little accident, you know” She said letting her words hang a bit, Ashlyn knew right away she meant the day Ali accidentally liked a picture on Steph’s Instagram. She knew the lawyer had more to say so she waited. “Human Rights Lawyer…” 

“Yep, as I said, she’s great.” Ashlyn interrupted, she knew what Steph was trying to do. Steph scoffed and even though Ashlyn didn’t want to get into her game, she couldn’t help but ask “What?” 

“Nothing… I just always thought you’d wait longer… or find someone better than me” Steph said with a little smirk on her lips. 

“You know I don’t rank people… but so far she has been a better girlfriend for sure. She doesn’t put me down to feel better about her self, she gives me time and space and doesn’t judge every little thing I do, she makes me feel like celebrating my birthday. And you know, there’s also the obvious: she’s loyal.” Ashlyn played back. 

Steph was about to answer when Ali returned with the box under her arm. She sensed right away that the mood around the former couple had shifted. 

“Do you… wanna get going?” she asked Ash. 

“Sure, love” Ashlyn taking her hand. “Bye Steph, it’s always a pleasure” she said ironically, walking towards the entrance. “Nice to finally meet you in person, Jane” She said while they passed the threshold, making the little bell jingle. 

“Taking the subway with that cake doesn’t sound like a good idea, do you wanna call an Uber?” Ashlyn asked taking her phone out of her back pocket. 

“Sure” Ali could tell that Ashlyn wasn’t her usual happy self. “Hey, what happened back there?”

“Nothing, she was just trying to get to me” Ashlyn said keeping her eyes from her phone. Ali didn’t know what to say, so she just stood there and waited for Ashlyn. 

“She’s not a really nice person, Als” Ashlyn finally said raising her eyes. “Honestly, I don’t know why I dated her for so long. ETA is 3 minutes” She said putting her phone on her back pocket. 

“Ok but what did she say?” Ali was curious. 

“Some shit about how she thought I’d wait longer” Ashlyn was looking for their driver. She had a policy of not hiding anything from her partners but she knew Ali’s self-esteem was usually low and she didn’t want Steph’s comment getting to her.

“Ok” Ali, on the other hand, could tell that Ashlyn was hiding something. She decided to wait until they got home to ask her. 

The whole drive home was weird. Ashlyn was holding Ali’s hand while starring at the window, mindlessly tracing circles with her thumb. Ali watched her, she could tell Ashlyn was into some deep thought and that something wasn’t right.

Right upon arriving Ashlyn’s apartment, Ali went straight to the kitchen, setting the box with the cake on the table. She watched as Ashlyn sat on the couch in complete silence, starring at her shoes. 

“Babe, it’s clear that whatever Steph said is bothering you” Ali said from the kitchen. “Did she say something bad about you?” 

Ashlyn didn’t like lying or hiding things. She had spend the whole way home debating whether she should tell Ali or not about Steph’s comment. She choose to take a risk, having no idea how it would affect Ali. 

“No, it was about you” She said starring the wall across from her. When Ali didn’t respond, she continued “She just said something about how she expected me to find someone better, trying to imply that you aren’t” 

“Oh” was all Ali said. 

“I don’t think she’s right, Ali, and you know that.” Ashlyn finally turned towards her. 

“Then why is it bothering you so much?” Ali crossed her arms on her chest. She feared whatever Ashlyn might say, particularly because her insecurities towards Steph every well known by the therapist. She had mentioned a couple of times how she though Steph was pretty and sounded like a very bright and well succeeded woman, to which Ashlyn would usually agree but always make sure to comment how Ali was all of this things and more. Still, Ali couldn’t stop thinking that she couldn’t compete with Steph if she had to. 

“Well, first because I don’t ever wanna hear someone saying something hurtful about yo. And second because it just makes me remember how mean she can be. Like, she wanted to make this comment not because that’s what she thinks, but because she knew it would bother me and I’d end up telling you, so she’d be kind of like, indirectly hurting you I guess.” Ashlyn ranted. She could tell Ali was feeling insecure, and that’s what she feared the most. 

“Babe… there’s a chance you’re exaggerating or looking too much into her actions” Ali took a few steps closer to Ash, sitting on the edge of the couch. 

“But that’s the thing: Steph is exactly the kind of person that would think of all this. She’s always a few steps ahead of everyone else, or at least she tries to be.” Ashlyn sounded really upset. “She’s not really a good person and it took me so long to realise that.” 

“What do you mean?” Ali said caressing the back of Ashlyn’s neck. The therapist looked like she needed some affection. 

“I mean like, she treated me bad for so long but it was so subtle that I didn’t realise. And events like this just makes me even madder for taking so long to end things between us. Actually, I didn’t even end things! Technically I did but just because she was cheating on me, not because of how much harmful she was to me” She sounded regretful. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Ali offered. Ashlyn took a few deep breaths to calm her heartbeat. She knew she was mad and this was the kind of conversation that deserved an unbiased narrative. 

“I do, but I don’t even know where to start, honestly” She said looking into Ali’s eyes. 

“I might be wrong but it’s usual to start from the beginning” Ali smiled managing to make Ashlyn crack a small smile. 

“I guess you’re right” The therapist said “ Well, so Harvard isn’t heaven, as you might know. Before my first semester there, a lot of people told me that I should get used to feeling offset or like I wasn’t good enough because the other students would be as good as me or better than me.” Ashlyn started. “The thing is, I’m competitive, but not in everything. I didn’t care if others were getting better grades or if my GPA was 4.0, I just really enjoyed learning and doing my school work, I never felt any pressure to perform, you know?” 

“So even though the other students were super competitive and were always trying to be better than me, I either didn’t notice or didn’t care. I think that’s what made me the best student and get a super high GPA. I was volunteering at the Hospital and working at special groups for kids on the autism spectrum, doing well on my classes, had friends, life was good. That was until I met Steph.” 

“I met her on my junior year, she was pretty, so I was interested right away. And she’s smart, she talked about things in such a way that made you interested without even noticing. I don’t know, she seemed nice and popular and seemed to be interested in me. We started going out, went on a couple of dates and soon enough we were officially dating. Everything was going great until we got closer to our finals. At Harvard, the week before the finals is called “Reading period”, it’s a week with no classes so you can get ready for the finals.” 

“I wasn’t one of those students that gets nuts and spends all day at the library, trying to memorise every little detail. Steph, on the other hand, was extra competitive, she had to be better than absolutely everyone. During the days leading to “Reading period” all she could talk about was how we had to prepare to study like crazy because she couldn’t let a girl called Rachel get better grades than hers. I think she could tell that I didn’t care that much by the way that I tried to avoid talking about it or nervously laughed every time she mentioned this Rachel.” 

“I’m gonna cut this story short: basically, she was so freaking crazy about staying over-night at the library studying that she and her friends started taking Adderall with gallons of coffee. While this is something that I wouldn’t normally do, I really wanted to be with her and have her approval, doing the things she was doing seemed like the only way to get that. So I took the pills as well. I have history of abuse in my family, that’s exactly the kind of shit I should be avoiding, but I did it, for her.”

“She quickly realized that I’d do almost anything to be with her and get that seal of approval, so it didn’t take long before she was constantly putting me though small ‘tests’ sort to speak, like somedays she’d say she wasn’t feeling so well and asked me to spend the day with her, so I had to skip class or call in sick for the hospital, which was two things that I absolutely loved doing.” 

“But that’s how our relationship went: I was always trying to be good enough for her because, somehow, she convinced me that she was better than me. And every time life showed her otherwise, like when I got accepted to the master's program, she’d try to diminish my achievements.” 

“I honestly hated moving to New York, but she got this amazing job opportunity so I felt like I had no option. I started working at a hospital here and eventually got some patients but what I truly love is study, create new knowledge, you know? So I applied to the PhD program at Columbia and got accepted. I thought she’d be happy for me but she was actually so mad. She kept saying that I had to find a better job and that she was tired of having to financially sustain both of us, as if I wasn’t making any money.” 

“She only said this thing because she knew I’d feel guilty, even though I knew it wasn’t true. But I let her do it, I let her bring me down and make me feel worthless sometimes.” 

“Babe, you know you’re not worthless” Ali said almost crying. Her heart was breaking for her girlfriend. “She was so abusive to you, Ash. All you’re telling me about your relationship screams abusive” 

“I know that now, and If I’m being honest I think I knew it back then, but all the relationships I had had so far were abusive as well. My parents never treated me right, I had felt useless and worthless for my entire life. I wanted someone to love me so bad that I unconsciously did everything I could to make her love me. Basically. I was in a desperate need of affection and I do realise that now.” 

“But Ashlyn you didn’t make a conscious choice to let her do this to you. On the other hand, she did. She chose to be mean, she chose to put you through this” 

“I know, babe. I think the last two years of our relationship were good for me to see things clear. She was already cheating on me during this period so she wasn’t on my neck all the time or as needy as she usually was. All of a sudden I wasn’t feeling pressured all the time anymore and it felt so good. I would sit down on my desk and work on my thesis all day without having to deal with her criticism because she was out working or ‘with some friends’, which now I assume was when she was with Jane.” 

“This is something I told Whitney the other day: of course I was sad when we broke up, but I already had grieved our relationship during these two previous years and I did a lot of working on my self esteem. It wasn’t easy though, we fought a lot because she had no patience with me anymore and I had to constantly sleep on the couch, which was obviously bad for my back. And there’s also the fact that I was so used to being in a relationship with her that the first day by myself was weird, but I didn’t miss her. I felt relieved.” 

“I’m so sorry, Ash. You definitely didn’t deserve any of this. But it’s over now, love.” Ali said sitting beside her and putting her arm around her shoulders. 

“I know, but hearing her trying to imply she’s better than you really got to me. She is really smart, Ali, and manipulative. It makes me so fucking mad that she tried to hurt you, even if it was indirectly.” Ashlyn says visibly angry. 

“As long as you don’t agree with her, she won’t hurt me. She doesn’t sound like a nice person and I have this policy of not letting anyone like that hurt me.” Ali said trying to make Ashlyn feel better. 

“A policy?” Ashlyn chuckled. 

“Yep” Ali gave her a sweet smile. “I’m sorry you had to go thorough this.” She continued caressing the therapist’s neck. 

“Don’t be sorry, I learned a lot out of this and it’s not like we didn’t have any good times. I started seeing a therapist during that time which is good, and now I’m with you!” Ashlyn says excitedly making the lawyer smile. 

They fell into a comfortable silence to a while, Ali was replaying the recent conversation on her mind. 

“I just wish things were easier sometimes” she confesses after some thinking. “I know we tend to learn a lot during difficult times and I’d be ok with it if they were just hard, but sometimes I feel hopeless.” There’s a hint of sadness on her voice. 

“Oh, babe. But that’s the thing: every time you feel hopeless, you gotta remember that you went though worse before. Also, you should call me whenever you’re feeling down” Ashlyn pulls Ali into her lap.

“I haven’t felt like that since we got together, to be honest.” The lawyer snuggles on Ashlyn’s neck. 

“I’m happy to hear that but in case you feel like that again, please call me or let me know” 

“I will! Now, can we eat your cake?” Ali asks standing from Ashlyn’s lap. 

“Sure, love” Ashlyn giggles. 

//   
“Can I ask you something?” Ali said while she licked the frost from her fingers. They were sitting on the floor next to the couch, the cake on the coffee table in front of them. 

“Always” Ashlyn said cutting another slice. 

“Those pills you take before bed, what are they for?” Ali asks carefully. Hearing Ashlyn talk about how she took Adderall during college got her thinking. 

“Antidepressants. I don’t actually have depression, just some symptoms. But I do have a lot of anxiety and had a few episodes of panic attacks a few years ago. Considering that and my troubled past, both me and my therapist agreed that it’s better if I take some precautions.” Ashlyn took Ali’s plate and placed another slice as well. She was half expecting this question for awhile now. 

“Is it weird to go to therapy being a therapist?” Ali had been waiting to ask this since she found out Ashlyn went to therapy. 

“A little. She never tells me something I don’t already know. Honestly, that’s my main problem: I’m constantly analysing myself. I don’t do this to anyone else, friends, family, significant others, no. But to me? All the time. It’s like there’s a voice in the back of my head saying things like ‘oh that’s not a really nice copping mechanism’ or ‘shit Ash, Jung could write a whole thesis on this one particular choice you just made’ So going to actual therapy to hear a fellow therapist say all the things that I spend the week thinking is kind of weird, but super necessary. I have to get out of my own head sometimes” 

“So she agrees with all the things you think of yourself?”

“No, every session she tells me even my inner therapist is too hard on me. My conclusions on myself are usually way harsher than hers. We mostly agree on specific points regarding by upbringing”

“Why are you so hard on yourself?” Ali asks kindly. 

“That’s the great question, isn’t it?” Ashlyn smiles. “Why are we so hard on ourselves?” she says making Ali chuckle. “I don’t know, honestly. I just feel like I should be doing more, you know? I should help more people, I should be a better researcher, make more money, take more patients, deal better with my past. It feels like I’m always failing something or someone.” 

“Ash, you’re not. I mean, honestly, from where I stand I can tell that you’re an amazing human being”

“It’s your obligation as my girlfriend to say that” Ashlyn jokes. 

“No it’s not. I am your girlfriend because you are amazing. All I hear from others about you confirms my suspicions that you are the greatest human being at least in New York.” 

“To be fair New Yorkers aren’t hard to beat” 

“That’s true, but still.” 

“You’re pretty great too.” Ashlyn leans in to pull Ali for a quick kiss. 

// 

Ali was walking around the shopping mall. After their weekend together, it was hard to leave the therapist on Monday morning. She was obviously afraid of moving too fast, but being with Ashlyn made her feel so good, not to mention that after sharing more intimate information and having sex, she felt more connected to the short haired brunette than she ever felt to anyone else her entire life. 

She went to the mall to look for something for Ashlyn. She wanted to give her a birthday gift, just because the though of Ashlyn not getting anything as a kid made her sad, she wanted to help make her feel special. 

She had already bought Ashlyn’s present and was just mindlessly walking around when she found herself in front of Victoria’s Secret. She had never worn any kind of lingerie but was completely captivated by the mannequins. 

The later developments in her relationship with Ashlyn had her feeling a little different with her body. It was safe to say that her relationship with it wasn’t healthy as she was constantly trying to find more and more reasons to not describe herself as pretty, not to mention how she felt about her scars. 

But with Ashlyn, she felt like a goddess. It was on the way the therapist looked at her, like she could see beyond the scars or any other thing that made Ali insecure. She felt so good when they were together, it gave her some kind of confidence that she doesn’t even remember feeling before. 

She entered the store almost unconsciously, wandering through the racks and displays, trying to picture her wearing some of the pieces. She avoided making eye contact with the attendant, hoping no one would talk to her. 

She came across one particular set that caught her eye. Both the bra and the thong panty were made of white, pretty much see-through lace. She ran her finger over it, feeling how comfortable it seemed to be. It had nothing in common with her usual underclothes, but she really wanted to try. She grabbed the set and headed to the fitting room. 

She closed the door behind her and sat on the little bench in front of the mirror. She didn’t know why, but she felt a little embarrassed for even thinking of trying lingerie. She was still fully clothed and alone, but felt so vulnerable. She fished her phone out of her bag and wrote a quick text to Ashlyn. 

Ali: Are you into Lingerie? 

Ashlyn: For me?! 

Ali: No, I mean would you like if I wore lingerie? 

Ashlyn: Well, your body is absolute perfection (in my humble opinion) so I think you’d look fucking fantastic in lingerie. 

Ali: I might be thinking about trying lingerie. 

Ashlyn: WHAT? Oh man… if you want my opinion on trying lingerie, I’d say go for it, babe :) 

Ali smiles down to her phone, Ashlyn always find a way to pull her out of her bad thoughts even if she doesn’t know it. She puts her phone back on her purse and stands up. She slowly takes of her white blouse and places it on the bench she was previously sitting. She then proceeds take off her shoes and pants, standing there with just her underwear. 

She looks at her reflection on the mirror, paying attention to what she usually looks like. If it wasn’t for the scars her skin would look so smooth, she thinks. Overall, she likes her body. Her arms and legs are strong, her abs were toned, she got a lot of compliments on her ass and she actually loved the size of her boobs. But it was so hard to ignore the scars. 

She took off her bra and put on the lace one. She did the same if the panty and took a deep breath before looking herself in the mirror. 

She looked… stunning. The contrast of the white of the lace with her olive skin was just beautiful. A shy smile formed on her lips as she ran her hands from the bra to the panty, feeling the different textures of her skin and the set. She turned a little to check her ass, loving what she saw. 

She felt so comfortable that even decided to snap a cute picture. She posed as she usually did when trying new clothes, which seemed more like her than trying to look sexy. 

She took a few more minutes to admire herself before taking the set off and getting dressed again. Her mind was already made: she was buying it. 

//   
Ashlyn was sitting on her desk, grading a student’s paper. She was leaning back on her chair, bitting her red pen and was wearing her glasses a little lower than she usually did. 

It wasn’t easy for her to get on her work mood this morning as the memories from the weekend kept floating back to her. Ali naked on her bed, bathed by moonlight, her face lost in pleasure. She had to keep the images of her girlfriend away from her mind, she had to focus on Andrew McMiller’s (class of 2020) impressions on B. F. Skinner’s behaviorism, and that required A LOT of attention. 

So her first actions upon arriving her room after her lecture was putting on some classic music, turned on the oil essence diffuser and kicked her shoes off, getting a feel of the fluffy carpet against her feet. 

She was fully immersed on the paper when her phone vibrating on her desk pulled her out of her trance. She placed the papers on her desk and pushed her glasses back to their usual position. She picked her phone and opened the text (from Ali). 

Her heart almost stopped. 

The text was a picture of Ali wearing just a lacy set of lingerie at what Ashlyn assume was a fitting room. She never expected to receive a semi-nude from Ali, so she wasn’t prepared for this, not even a little. 

Ashlyn: Alexandra… holy shit. I think I lost my ability to form sentences. 

Ashlyn: Jesus fucking Christ 

Ashlyn: how am I supposed to work now? 

Ashlyn: You’re like, God’s most perfect creation.

Ashlyn: I obviously don’t know what I'm saying anymore 

Ashlyn: You’re just perfect. 

Ali: lol glad you like it :) 

Ali: I actually bought you something. 

Ashlyn: the lingerie? 

Ali: I did buy the lingerie, but I bought you something else. 

Ashlyn: Is it Christmas yet? 

//

It took her some time but Ashlyn managed to focus on work again, although she was truly bored. She honestly loved reading her student’s thoughts on the books she requested them to read, but some of them simply had nothing to say. 

She was debating wether she should get some coffee after finishing this paper or if she should interrupt her reading to get some right now when there was a knock on her door. She was about to stand up when Pinoe just came bursting into the room. 

“HELLOOO” She said cheerfully, making Ashlyn laugh. 

“Hello, beautiful” Ashlyn said sitting back on her chair and crossing her arms. 

“Oh Ali is such a lucky girl” Pinoe sat on the couch and kicked her feet on the coffee table. 

“That she is. Don’t get me wrong, I love when you pay me a visit but I gotta ask: what are you doing here?” It wasn’t unusual for Pinoe to drop unannounced, but it was usually on Friday or on the days she only gave one lecture, but today was Monday and Ashlyn knew her schedule was full. 

“Well, I was given the mission to deliver you a package.” Pinoe tells her, but shows no intention of moving. 

“And the package is….?” Ashlyn tries to get things going. 

“Urgh, I’m just trying to make this moment last longer so I can avoid my real duties” 

“You shouldn’t tell that to your BOSS, Pinoe” Ashlyn laughed. 

“Yeah yeah yeah, you’re such a killjoy” Pinoe stands up, gently tosses a package on Ashlyn’s desk and leave the room pretending to be mad. Ashlyn just chuckles. 

She unwraps the box to find a Kindle Oasis, a post-it stuck to the box.

 

You deserve all the books in the world.   
Happy Birthday, Gorgeous! 

Love, Ali.


	18. 'Till it happens to you

Ali was absolutely heartbroken. Last week she had asked one of her trainees to interview Johanna’s family. He had just left her office after telling her how it went.

Johanna’s mother had slammed the door on his face after he introduced himself, so he decided to walk back to the subway station. Just before he reached the station, a girl called him from behind. She introduced herself as being Johanna’s older sister, and told him she knew why the teenager had runway. 

According to her, their father had been molesting her since she was 10. She had tried telling their mother but she ignored her, saying she didn’t want to her about that nonsense. The mother showed up a few minutes later, rushing her daughter back to the house and accusing the trainee of coercing the girl. He obviously wasn’t able to get her official statement, so they couldn’t do much about it besides trying to make Johanna tell her version. 

Right after the trainee left her office, Ali broke down sobbing. She couldn’t imagine what this girl must have gone through to think her only option was running away from her home. Actually, she could imagine, and that made things a hundred times worse. 

She tried to focus on her other clients but her thoughts kept drifting back to Johanna. She couldn’t bare the image of the girl sitting by herself at the rehabilitation centre, having to endure being there after years of being abused back home. 

After an entire hour went by and she had produced nothing, she decided to text her girlfriend. It was Friday and she wanted to check with Ashlyn could end her day earlier. 

Ali: How are you?

As it was usual, it didn’t take long before her phone vibrated, singling a reply from Ashlyn. 

Ashlyn: Good…. Bored. Both my clients canceled so I’m laying on my office reading on my the new Kindle I got from my hot girlfriend. 

Ali: do I know this hot girlfriend?

Ashlyn: You might. Anyway, how are you?

Ali: Not so good. Any chance you can leave early today?

Ashlyn: Hm I gotta check with my boss. 

Ali doesn’t even have a chance to respond before her phone chimes indicating a new text.

Ashlyn: Boss says yes! Where do you wanna meet?

Ali: Can we get ice cream? I know a place that has sorbets…. 

Since finding out Ashlyn was lactose intolerant, Ali had been doing some research on places that offered her favorite food without milk deviants. 

Ali: WAIT A MINUTE, you are your own boss! 

Ashlyn: Details, Alexandra, details….. 

Ashlyn: Sounds good! Text me the address and I’ll meet you there. 

 

// 

Ali was standing in front of the shop, waiting for any sign of Ashlyn. It was a cold day, so she was also cursing her girlfriend for taking so long. 

“Oh my god, if it isn’t the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world awaiting for my arrival!” She heard Ashlyn saying loudly from her right. She turned to find the psychologist wearing her usual black slacks, black shoes and a hoodie that had a large H imprinted in the front. She had her usual bag hanging across her chest and was wearing a black beanie. She also had shopping bags on both her hands. 

“Hey! Took you long enough” Ali greeted her with a soft kiss. 

“Sorry! I stopped by the market to buy us dinner” Ashlyn said trying to open the door to the shop, but ultimately failing to balance everything and open it. Ali giggled watching her. 

“What dinner?” She said while opening the door for her struggling girlfriend. 

“The one that I’m gonna cook you after here” Ashlyn dropped her bags close to a table and waited for Ali to sit as well.

“We’re gonna have desert before dinner?” Ali joked.

“Alexandra, life is too short to follow some weird rule. I don’t know who decided sweet comes after salt but I don’t like them one bit.” Ashlyn said on her best British accent to use, making Ali laugh and smile at her warmly 

“I guess you’re right. Anyway, Look at all the sorbet you can have!” Ali showed Ashlyn the part of the menu under the title “Sorbet” that had over 20 names. “They even have cookies&cream” 

“The 12 years old Ashlyn that lives inside of me is so happy right now. You have no idea how sad I was every time I went to a birthday party and couldn’t have a piece of the ice cream cake” 

“Oh poor baby. It’s good that your girlfriend plans of making up for every cake you couldn’t have” Ali smiled. 

“I’m gonna get so fat… I can’t wait” Ashlyn said happy. 

“As long as you’re happy and healthy, you should have whatever you want” Ali smiled warmly. 

They each try a more then 5 tastes. Ali settled for the cookies&cream, ignoring Ashlyn’s comments that she should have a normal ice cream, but Ali argued that she wanted something Ash could have as well. The therapist ended up choosing strawberry cheesecake made with vegan cheese. 

They shared Ice Cream and talked about their rapidly coming trip to Washington for Thanksgiving. Ali found truly funny how much worried Ashlyn sounded about meeting her mom.

“Ash, I’ve never brought anyone to meet her, she will be thrilled. As a matter of fact, she called me on FaceTime three times already to check all your food restrictions! She even asked me which sheets she should put on the bed.” Ali confined to the therapist, trying to calm her. 

“I’m honestly traumatised, don’t have great memories of the last time I had to meet the parents!” Ashlyn still remembers the look on Steph’s Father’s face when he saw her in person for the first time. Later that night, she had overheard him asking his wife ‘which kind of respectful therapist had so many tattoos?’. “How’s your mother with tattoos?” She asked, trying to get a better idea of what she was facing in a couple of days. 

“You’ve seen pictures of my brother, he has tattoos all over his body. I mean, she’s not super into it, but she’s very supportive, you really don’t have to worry about it. Besides, I don’t know if you noticed but I have a really big one of my own” Ali gesticulated over her ribs.

“Oh I’ve noticed…” Ashlyn have her a smirk, making Ali blush, but she recovered quickly. 

“You might want to avoid telling her how much you love it, but tell her the story behind yours, she’ll love to hear it!” Ali knew her mother very well and she could picture her older woman sitting on the couch of their living room, wrapped up on Ashlyn’s story, laughing wholeheartedly every now and then. She made a mental note to remember to her mother some insight on Ashlyn’s family history - not much, but enough so she wouldn’t make any inconvenient questions. 

“Ok, I’ll try to be my most charming self.” Ashlyn said straightening her posture. “Oh lord I don’t have clothes for this, you have to come shopping with me before we go!”

“Ashlyn, I’m taking home a PhD therapist, who attended fucking HARVARD and has absolutely no problems with my pace and treats my wonderfully. I’ve told you a million times how much I struggled with dating in the past, can you imagine how many times my mother asked me when I was going to find someone? She would call me like 9 am on Saturdays and go on for H O U R S about how her friend Betty’s daughter just had twins, that all she every wanted was to get some grandchildren and that I’m her only hope because ‘you know how your brother is, I can’t expect him to settle down anytime soon’. 

“I’m bringing home the most amazing human being I’ve ever met, you’re wait better than everything she ever wanted for me, babe. I can promise you that.” Ali said reaching for Ashlyn’s hand. “I bet she can’t wait to brag about you to her friends and the rest of my family” 

“So I should take my Harvard sweatshirt, right?” Ashlyn joked, taking Ali’s hand to her lips and giving it a soft kiss. 

“It might be a good idea” Ali laughed. 

// 

“How about ‘Requien’? It’s a murder mystery.” Ali asked from the couch. They went to her apartment after the ice cream. Ashlyn was cooking them dinner while Ali browsed Netflix, looking for a new show for them to binge-watch.

“Oooh I read the synopsis! Sounds good. I’ll be done in 10 minutes.” Ashlyn told her from the kitchen. She was making them a vegan recipe for a pasta with asparagus and black olives. “Tell me what happened today, babe” 

Ali stood up from the couch and walked the few steps to the kitchen, taking a sit on the edge of the free counter that Ashlyn wasn’t using. “I found out Johanna was being abused” 

“What?!” Ashlyn stoped dead on her tracks. “By who?”

“Her dad. For the last 6 years” Ali felt the bile on her stomach rising again. Ashlyn stood there in silence, looking at her. She had this weird look on her face. After a minute, she turned her attention back to the pasta in front of her. “How are you feeling about it?”

“Fucking horrible. I cried the whole morning, almost threw up my lunch.” Ali said honestly, watching Ashlyn’s semblance. It seemed like she had entered the ‘half-therapist/half-girlfriend’ mode she usually did when she felt that Ali needed more than just her girlfriend, but less then a therapist. 

“Wanna talk about it?” She asked, finding Ali’s eyes again. She could tell this was disturbing her very much. 

“I.. I mean, I believe every one get’s disturbed and sad when they find out a child was being molested by their parent, but I think it hits me harder.” Ali told her, feeling good about being able to share her feeling with her girlfriend. 

“I bet it does, love” Ashlyn trying to comfort her some how. They fell into silence, Ashlyn waiting Ali to continue. 

“It lasted like, 5 minutes, 10 tops.” Ali said, looking to the floor. 

“What did?” Ashlyn asked turning off the oven. 

“My… rape” Ali said still looking to the floor.

“Ali, look at me.” Ashlyn told her in a serious voice. Ali raised her head, finding her girlfriend’s hard but somehow lovingly stare. “Don’t be embarrassed. You wanna share something with me, don’t be embarrassed by it. You can always look at me, ok? We only look to the floor in three situations: We’re either embarrassed, feeling threatened of looking for something. You shouldn’t feel any of this, got it?” Ashlyn said closing the space between them. She placed her hands on Ali’s tights, caressing them. “Now, tell me what you want so say”

Ali looked deep into Ashlyn’s eyes, and felt her body relax. “I was raped. It didn’t last long, probably 5 to 10 minutes, maximum. But it’s been haunting me for almost 9 years.” She said. 

“Ok” Ashlyn said, positioning herself right between Ali’s legs. 

“All I remember is the pain, because it hurt so bad. I felt my body ripping, and for a week I couldn’t go to the bathroom without crying because even peeing burned like hell.” Ali continued, to what Ashlyn just nodded to signal that she was following. 

“What I want to say is: it lasted 5 minutes, the 5 worst minutes of my life, and it haunts me every single day. It caused me damages that I’m still learning how to deal with, I still have nightmares, I still feel pain, I still have a long road to be fully ‘recovered’ sort to speak, and it only lasted 5 minute- MINUTES” she pronounced every letter of the word. “Can you imagine having to go through this for 6 years? 6 fucking Y E A R S. And it’s her father! Someone who should be taking care of her. I have no idea how much therapy it takes to fix her” Ali finished. 

Ashlyn just stood there, thinking. She watched the tears form on the corners of Ali’s eyes, listened to the sound of her rapidly beating heart. She chose her words very carefully, wanting to be compassionate. 

“Ali, neither of you need fixing. I’ll tell you this everyday for the rest of my life if that’s what it takes for you to understand. You’re not broken.” Ali nodded. She was still learning this, but it felt so good to hear someone else telling her that she wasn’t broken after all. 

“I can’t imagine what she’s feeling, or what you felt. But it breaks my heart that there’s young girls being subjected to this. I don’t know how many years of therapy she’ll do until she learns how to cope with this trauma, but I sure hope that it doesn’t take long, she’s young and still has so much ahead of her, just like you” She smiled at Ali, who was already looking less sad. 

“What I do know is that she’s lucky to have someone who cares about her as much as you do, someone who will believe her.” She took a deep breath, knowing that what she was about to say next may not be welcome. “What worries me is your mental health” 

“What do you mean?” Ali asked abruptly. She didn’t sound mad, just curious. 

“I mean that you had a lot of progress this past month and a half. You’ve faced your traumas and overcame so many of them. I fear that dealing with this might bring bad memories back and-”

“Ash these memories will never go away” Ali interrupted her. 

“I know, Ali. I just don’t want you to get upset over this” Ashlyn tried to explain. 

“I’ll always get upset over children getting molested” Ali was getting angry and Ashlyn could sense it.

“Yeah, me too. But I’m trying to say is that maybe it’s best for you if someone else takes this job” Ashlyn tried again. “I’m not sure if being exposed to something so horrible that resonates so much with your past traumatic experience will do you any good, Ali” Ashlyn felt like her hands were tied. She just wanted to take care of Ali.

Ali pushed her back, hopping off from the counter. “There’s no way for you to know what I feel, Ashlyn. No matter how much you study, you’ll never know what being raped feels like. Don’t come to conclusions for me, I can decide what I can or can’t take.” She snapped giving Ashlyn a hard glare. She returned to her sit on the couch, leaving the therapist on the kitchen, clearly upset. 

They ate their dinners in silence, Ali did compliment Ashlyn on the dish she had prepared, but that was it. Deep down she knew Ashlyn wasn’t trying to overstep, she was clearly worried. But Ali felt this need to take care of Johanna, and the fact the Ashlyn didn’t think she was fit do to so drove her mad. She had spent the last 9 years pouring herself into work because that was the only part of her life that hadn’t been “contaminated” by the aftermath of her abuse. 

When they were done, Ashlyn took the plates to the sink and washed them, trying to decide her next move. She wasn’t sure what Ali wanted, if she was supposed to stay or not. She’d usually spend the night, but they never had an argument before (if it could be called an argument at all). 

“Well” She said after returning from the kitchen. Ali was sitting on the couch again, the Netflix homepage on the tv. “I think I’m gonna go” she looked at Ali, who was staring the tv. 

“Stay” Ali said, not moving. She wanted to sleep with the therapist, to have the comfort of her arms. Ali wasn’t stubborn, she would eventually apologise for snapping. 

Ashlyn was confused because Ali’s voice sounded like she actually wanted her to stay, but her face had the same weird expression she had on over dinner. 

“Are you sure? I can give you some space” She replied, trying to give Ali the chance to tell her what she really wanted. 

“I’m sure, Ashlyn. I don’t need space, I need you.” Ali answered finally meeting Ashlyn’s eyes. 

The therapist took the seat beside the lawyer, going over apologies and ways of expressing what she really meant. 

“I’m sorry, I know I completely misunderstood what you meant. I just… I wanna forget, Ash.” Ali said before Ashlyn had a chance to start. “I wanna forget what happened and move on with my life, I don’t want this to influence any aspect of my life anymore, you know?” 

“I think I get what you mean. But you can’t just erase a memory, babe. And I think you’re doing a pretty good job on moving on. I just don’t want you to face any more obstacles than the ones you already have to face.” Ashlyn tried to show her point in another way. 

“You’re right.” Ali said, defeated. 

“I’m sorry” Ashlyn just wanted to make her girlfriend feel better.

“Not your fault. If anything, you make my life easier” Ali confessed. 

Ashlyn pulled her into a hug. They shared the tight embrace for a couple of minutes, both just wanting to feel close. Ali eventually asked if they could what some episodes of the new show, so they curled up together on the couch and watched two episodes. 

Ali decided that they should head to bed when Ashlyn stopped replying to her comments, and she felt the therapist’s hot breath on the back of her neck, indicating that her girlfriend had felt asleep. The gently woke her up and guided her to the bedroom. 

Ashlyn lazily took her clothes off, not even putting any sleeping clothes before jumping on the bed. Ali laughed and decided to go with it. She took her clothes off as well and laid besides Ashlyn, just pulling the blankets over them. 

She watched Ashlyn sleeping for a while before resting her head on the therapist’s chest and drifting off to sleep.


End file.
